The night was cold and the wind howled like a weeping woman, frightening the little ones as hey clung to each other, hanging on the storyteller's every word. He stood tall before them, moving his arms and his torso, making the heroes and monsters of his tales come to life in the eyes and minds of the children.

All through the night he spoke until his throat was as dry as the desert outside. And then it was time for the last story of the night. He paused long enough to wet his lips and his aching throat, and then he turned back to the children, so eager to hear the tale they had waited for all night.

"Know and beware of this thing of which I speak, children," the storyteller said. "For this thing is merciless in its cruelty. It steals and loots, murders wherever it goes. Only those that are clever and wise may defeat it, for it is too strong for us. Not because it is brave, but because it is a coward. They do not stand alone and fight as we do, but gather in small hands like the cowards that they are, and they raid through our villages, taking what they want and leaving only dust, ash and blood in their wake. They kill fathers and mothers and children because they do not want us to prosper. They fear us, children. That I . s why you must learn their ways, for you can learn to use their owa fear against them."

One of the children stood from the shadows. "And What is this thing called, Master?"

The storyteller looked into the child's eyes and in those eyes, he saw wonder and terror. "It is called 'Man', child. And you would be wise to fear it. Any Ork would. "

(The following was taken from a letter written by the noted Ork scholar GOttASALCRO, official diplomat of the Ork Kingdoms to the Wizard's Guild.)

To make a dissertation on Ork culture to an audience that is filled with misconceptions is a difficult task, but recent actions in the halls of the Guildhouse have made it impossible for me not to address the incredible prejudices that reside here with me. Too often, misunderstanding has brought Orks and the kindred races to blows, but perhaps knowledge will save lives on both sides of the racial fence.

The CHeater's Guide to Ork

I have chosen to use the Ork language with all of the proper nouns in this writing to provide the reader with a basic understanding of the Common Language of "ORK." A phonetic guide to pronunciation is provided at the end of this writing. I have also provided the pronunciation with every new ORK word (in italics) along with its translation.

While ORK has over two hundred dialects, these phonemes provide the reader with a basic understanding, allowing them to communicate with ORKS from any tribe. The word ORK has many meanings and cannot be translated well into the Common Tongue of Man. It is a non-gendered greeting, a noun, an adjective and an adverb. Anything that has qualities an ORK admires is considered to be ORK. A sword may be ORK, a good drink may be ORK, and even some humans have been considered ORK, although these are few and far between.

How to Know You're Being Insulted in Ork

It is considered very ORK to be able to insult with cleverness. Wit is an attribute that ORKS value very highly, and it is also considered very "un-ORK" to not know when one is being insulted. For these reasons, I have included some of the more common ORK insults so a gglP (gip non-ORK) will not look like a fool in the company of ORKS.

One of the most common insults among OPKS is to refer to another's body parts as MOGD (moogd , "yellow"). Since ORK skin is green, human, dwarf and Elven skin all appear to be very yellow to an ORK. These races are not ORK, and therefore are weak. MOGD hands are shaky hands, a MOGD tongue is a lying tongue, and one with MOGD feet is a coward. And, of course, to have MOGD privates is to have lusty feelings for the ugly kindred races.

Having "yellow feet" is to insinuate that one is a coward who runs. ORKS never run, they charge. In ORK there is a very distinct difference between the two words. When an ORK charges, they are running into battle, and when an ORK runs, they are running away from battle. An ORK never turns away from a good fight, and for a very good reason. (see "The Cult of BOssttRaKa" below.)

To refer to another's DOMGA (dowmga mother) in a derogatory way is not a very intelligent thing to do in ORK. Motherhood is considered a very holy thing, and to disrespect an ORK'S mother is to disrespect the Mother, Goddess herself.

Having NAttRPATS (nathrpats) is to have "a tongue that waggles." An ORK knows when to shut up. An ORK that talks too much will inevitably get BLINDRBO (blinderbow - a konk on the head).

These are some of the more common insults, but it takes a skilled ORK speaker in order to use them. One cannot simply go out into a crowd full of ORKS and begin calling them yellow. Verbal challenges are just as real and honor-testing as physical challenges in an ORK'S eyes. Both kinds of challenges will be discussed in "The Cult of BOssttRaKa" and "The Cult of Pugg" below.

Ork Religion

According to the sacred scrolls of BOssttRAKA, the ORK race was born from the Goddess-Mother, QttDOMGA. At the dawn of time, she gave birth to one hundred and seventeen children. The children were all born with armor on their bodies and weapons in their fists, screaming battle cries.

They fought with each other until only three remained: GOttDUKu, BOssttRAKA, and Pugg. QttDOMGA still remains the chief deity of the pantheon, although she appears in few of the stories.

The Cult of QrrDOMGA

QttDOMGA (keethdowmga) is the Chief Goddess and Mother of all ORKS. She is the keeper of all secrets of femininity, secrets that no male ORK could ever hope to understand.

ORK females are called ORKe (orkay - "little one") until they reach the age of maturity. Then, they are initiated with all the secrets of womanhood and they become ORK (oork - the best translation is "woman", but this is insufficient to convey the true meaning in all of its contexts).

ORK are taught all of the secret rituals for womanhood, including the birthing rituals. No ORK is ever allowed to view an ORK during birth, for it is a time when the spirit of QttDOMGA enters the mother, filling her with a divinity that only ORKS can bear to view. All of this is done with the Goddess' blessing. Unlike the elves and dwarves and humans, ORKS do not recognize paternity; there is no ORK word for "father."

Once an ORK has given birth, she is considered a DOMGA (dowma, "mother"). An DOMGA is the head of the NJO (neeoo - "home"). Her authority is unquestioned when inside of the NJO. There is no ORK unwise enough to challenge the authority of a DOMGA in her NJO.

While the DOMGA is the head of the NJO, she may chose a favorite consort to live with her. This favorite . the8gINE , stays in the NJO, protecting the NJ , the DOMGA and her children.

The only ORK clerics are those of QttDOMGA, and all of them are Mother ORKS. Their miracles are performed in the NJO, the Holy Place of the Mother-Goddess, and may not be performed anywhere else. They are powerful miracles of healing, restoration and protection.

The Cult of GOttDURU

GOttDuKu (Gowthduhkuh) is the God of Storms. He appears in the tales of the ORKS as a massive warrior with a black hide and a great spear. It is said that it is his battle with the blue dragon of the sky that causes storms. You see, the sky is the belly of the blue dragon, and whenever the thunder begins to roll, that is the dragon's growl when he sees the mighty ORK Storm God approaching. Lightning flies from the dragon's maw and GOttDuKu raises his great spear GOttRINDR and battles the beast.

It is during this time that ORKS I make war, when the Thunder God is full of fury and might. He throws his thundering spear, drawing the crystal cool blood from the dragon's body. And just when the storm has reached its worst, GOttDuKu and the dragon slay each other.

His black blood, which has spilled across the dark sky, is carried away by the wind and the blood of the dragon gives him - and the dragon - life once more to fight another day. Any day that brings weather is a holy day in the calendar of the worshipers of GOttDuKu, but because their War God dies when the sky clears, ORKS will never fight under a blue sky.

The GOttFRAttA (gowthvrah" - "child of GOttDuKu") dedicates his life to the worship of GOttDuKu. Some scholars have even gone as far to call them "knights", but this is a mistranslation.

The GOttFRAttA use just about any weapon they can get their hands on, but they do not consider any victory to be tribute to GOttDuKu unless they use his holy weapon, the spear. GOttDuKu only uses a spear and a shield in war, and the ORKS know that the sound of thunder is his spear smashing against his shield, and so the G0ttFRAttA follow his example.

ORKS follow a very strict code of honor called QRssONttuNK (keershoonthunk - "wearing the warrior"). This is a very difficult concept to convey to those who are not raised with it. In every ORK community, there is a place for GOttFRAttA to bathe after battles. In this building, they hang their armor and walk home in simple cotton long shirts. "Never wear the warrior when you should be at Home" is a common ORK proverb meaning that one should not profane the sacred place of the Mother with the presence of war.

Physical Challenges, Defying Death and Ork Justice

ORKS do not look forward to the Afterlife. It is not a pretty picture that awaits them and they know it. But an ORK proving that he is not afraid of death is truly a noteworthy act. ORKS call a display of courage ggJKL0 (geeiklo) and to have it marks you above others. The more ggJKL0 an ORK displays, the more respected he is by his fellow ORKS.

It is impossible for humans and the other races to show ggJKL0 because their Afterlives are not as dreadful as the one ORKS have to look forward to, and so they cannot prove their ggJKL0 through defying death. But there is another w~jy to earn ggJKL0, and that is through ffAEgg0ttu (vaheegoo"). ffAEgg0ttu is the display of a certain kind of courage: the courage to make right what is wrong. The closest word that can be used to describe ffAEggOttu is "justice." This is the only way gglPS may achieve ggJKL0, and the ones who have gained ggJKL0 have never found themselves alone in ORK company.

Misconception of Ork Cannabalism

GOttFRAttA are known for pillaging a field after battle, but one of the great misconceptions of the ORK race is the fable that the Dwarves spread about ORKS eating the bodies of their enemies.

No ORK would ever eat the flesh of an Elf, Human or Dwarf, and certainly not the flesh of a goblin. ORKS believe that the body is inhabited by a soul, and it is this soul that keeps the body warm. For once a body dies, the soul leaves the body behind, leaving it cold.

When an ORK dies on the battlefield, ORKS are very concerned with keeping the body warm so the soul cannot escape to the Afterlife. Then, after the battle, the ORKS eat their own dead, so the soul of their fallen brothers can rest within the bodies of their living brethren. This allows the strengths of the fallen ORK to live in the body of his devourer.

This act, called PJIEA (pyieeah) is one of the most sacred duties of GOttFRAttA, for they must keep their brothers from going to the cruel Afterlife that has been prepared for them, and also makes their brothers stronger to defend ORK lands in danger of being raided by the kindred races.

I hope that this discussion will dismiss the superstitious belief that ORKS eat their enemies. They do not. They bury them in fire.

You see, ORKS believe that if you keep a body warm, the soul will stay within the body. ORKS bury their enemies with hot coals so their souls will stay in the ground and not be able to enjoy the Afterlife that has been prepared for them.

Cult of BOssttRAKA

BOssttRAKA (bowshthrahkah) is the tall, slender older brother of GOttDuKu. He was born before the Thunder God and was born mute. Because he could not speak, he spent his days learning to write, and it was then that he invented the ORK language. Not only did he invent the ORK language, but it was he that taught the ORKS many secrets (although he did not create fire; that story belongs to his younger brother, Pugg).

Because BOssttRAKA was tall and slender and mute, he learned to make up for his ggIP-ness by observing the other races. He saw how the Elven Gods used magick and how the Dwarf Gods made machines and how the Human Gods made steel, and he wrote all the secrets down. BOssttRAKA is often called FJueK KAFJON Qyuheek kafyoon), "The Secret Keeper" because of his still tongue and his keen eyes.

After he wrote the secrets down, he passed them on to the ORKS in the form of scrolls. The Sacred Scrolls of BOssttRAKA are holy artifacts, for they contain the oldest ORK knowledge in the world. There are supposed to be thirteen scrolls, but only six are held by ORKS today.

The Ork Scholar

The idea of an ORK scholar confuses much of the academic community, but I would put forth that JQD0DItt (ykeedohdith - "the one that watches") are scholars in the traditional sense of the word.

ORKS do not possess the ability to use magick as do the kindred races, but there are ORK practitioners of magick, and some are the most courageous ORKS I have ever met.

ORKS learn everything from watching. They watch humans fold metal, dwarves build war machines and (sometimes regrettably) elves use magick. They know the strength of each race and have drawn knowledge from each of them through observation. JQD0DItt observe and write down what they observe, thus giving them a record of the experience. Then, if a JQD0DItt needs to use his knowledge, he pulls it forth from his pouch of scrolls and remembers the knowledge that he observed.

This leads to great deals of trouble for some scholars. Imagine an ORK "sorcerer" carrying about scrolls full of magickal observations that he copied from another JQDODItt. He does not know how the spell is cast, but is reading the writing and improvising as he goes. Yes, ORK magick is a thing that must be seen to be believed.

The JQDODItt obviously follow the path of BOssttRAKA the Watcher. They gather knowledge through watching and teaming and are respected and feared throughout ORK. There are ORK "sorcerers", ORK 11 engineers", and ORK "blacksmiths", all who practice trades and hold secrets regarding those trades. Respecting the silence of B0ssttRAKA, they maintain a solemn silence with their knowledge, often spending their entire lives without speaking (except to use an occasional spell or two).

There are many groups of JQDODItt each with their own DOttA (doothay - guild) that maintains the secret of each trade. In order to become a member of a DOttA, an ORK must go through a rigorous apprenticeship to prove his worth. Much like the secret rites of DOMGA, these rituals are religiously guarded and cannot be spoken aloud. The secret rituals of BOssttRAKA are silent as they are performed, with only a set of hand signals being used to communicate. All ORK scholars know the secret hand symbols, and often use them without any gglP ever knowing that communication was occurring. The system is slight and quiet and subtle and I shall mention it no more.

The Cult of Pugg

Pugg (pug) is the ORK God of Tricks. He is often portrayed as a small ORK with a maimed hand and foot. It is said that GOttDuKu crushed his foot and bit off four fingers from his right hand for stealing his spear and shield just before a battle.

Pugg is not only the master of tricks but he is a shapeshifter as well. His cloak P2)ssttLAKA (pooshthlaykay - "the cloak of a thousand faces") allows him to take any form he desires. He sometimes shares POssttLAKA with his brother B0ssttRAKA, but he always demands a secret as payment. There is an old ORK saying that goes "BOssttRAKA LMNO OE ssKLAM Pugg 1 0 BuDR ggIP" or "BOssttRAKA may be wise, but Pugg is no foot."

Of all ORK tales about the Gods, Pug populates most of them. All ORK storytellers know at least a dozen stories of how Pugg fooled one God or another, for ORKS must always be full of wiles and tricks. Even GOttFRAttA appeal to his wisdom by wearing a black feather in their helmets, for his cloak of a thousand faces is made from black feathers.

Tricksters and Thieves

ORKS are too small to be GOttFRAttA or too maimed to become JQDODItt often turn to Pugg for a role model. The Trickster is often called "the Bringer of Misery" because ORKS believe that Pugg sets tricks and traps for ORKS to test their wits. If they are caught by the trick, then Pugg has gotten the better of them, but if they are clever and quick, they can get the best of Pugg, thus proving themselves to be worthy of his attention.

ORKS often whisper quiet prayers to Pugg, but they are not the prayers you may be accustomed to. Prayers to Pugg often curse him for his cleverness. An ORK can often be heard to whisper, "RSTM ssI10, EIOO" or "Not this time, limper." The reference is, of course, to the maimed foot Pugg has. As was mentioned above, it is honorable for an ORK to throw courage in the face of death, and what better way to prove one's courage than to taunt the master of tricks?

Another reason to insult Pugg is to draw his attention. An ORK who proves his wit to Pugg can sometimes draw his favor, thus being one of the POttggattO, the Lucky Ones.

The Ork Bard

The ORK Bard, called MeffD0GttA (mehvdowthay), is an ORK of high respect and regard. A MeffD0GttA does not live his own life, but lives for FRAttu (frathuh - "the Truth"). FRAttu is the word used to describe the body of ORK mythology, folklore and history.

A MeffD0GttA must know all the stories there are to know, going through an intense apprenticeship under the direction of an elder MeffD0GttA. The apprentice teams dozens of stories, and memorizes them all. But more importantly, learns what each story means. For to tell a story without passing along its meaning is to be BRAKAFRAttu (braykayfraythah , "untrue"), and to a MeffDOGttA, there is no greater insult than to be called untrue.

A MeffD0GttA carries his stories wherever he goes - literally. For each story that he knows, he gains a small favor that is stitched onto his clothes. Sometimes these favors are stitched onto a coat, making a kind of storycloak that may be removed when not needed (this is a recent trend as ORK adventurers are becoming more prevalent in the society of Man, and ORKS have learned that Man likes his city streets to be "QUIET!" although quiet is definitely not ORK).

So, if you wish to hear a story from an ORK, you simply point to the story you want to hear and the ORK will tell it to you. "What is the story of the bell?" and "What is the story of the button?" are questions ORK Bards hear every day from little ORK children.

The First Trick

ORKS love to tell stories. Of course, the concept of "truth" is a bit different for an ORK than for a human or an elf. As discussed above FRAttu is the ORK word for "truth." It is a very complicated issue to discuss in a paper of this length, but to give you a taste of it, when an ORK Inds a story to be FRAttu, the story holds some kind of truth. Just as the tales of the gods are true because they teach lessons, so is the story of - tricking a human is true because all humans are stupid.

As said before, almost all of the stories keffDOGttA tell are about Pugg. ORKS value trickery, but abhor cheating. To an ORK, a JIP (Yip : cheat) is when one breaks the rules. A ttWAK (thwak - trick) is when an ORK uses the rules to his advantage. There is a very old ORK tale regarding the four most famous ttWAKS in ORK history, performed by Pugg on the Human Gods, the Elven Gods, and the Dwarven Gods.

As It turned Out, all the Gods decided to gather together to divvy tip the Afterlife and someone "forgot" to invite the ORKS. Well, they didn't think very kindly of that and they decided to crash the party. The problem was that by the time they got there, all the land was already claimed by another pantheon, and so the ORKS were left out in the wind.

But Pugg had a solution. He invited all the other Gods to a great feast on the mortal plane. He did this for many reasons, but the main reason was that it was a neutral site where no powers could be used (he didn't want his ttWAK going foul on him).

At the feast, he revealed a great table of food. "Enough to feed us all, for surely none of us here could finish such a table themselves."

"Do not be so sure of that," said the Dwarf God. I think I might be a match for your table."

"Well, now that would be something to see. But I do not think that you could perform such a feat. In fact, I would wager you something very precious for such a feat..." and Pugg pulled a bag out of his cloak of shadows (which is said to have one hundred pockets). "This is a very special pouch, my little friend. For every one thing that you place inside of it, seven things you may pull from it. Now wouldn't it be nice to put a big fat roast in my little bag and pull out seven?"

"Indeed!" cried the Dwarf God. "But, what would I wager against that?"

"Oh, nothing, really. just a tiny slice of that land that you claimed when all of you divvied up the Afterlife. Just a small slice is all I would wager against my magical bag - if I were you, of course."

Well, the Dwarf God's eyes were filled with loaves of butter-smothered bread and steaming pies and crisp cold chocolates and try as he might, he could not resist Pugg's offer.

So the contest was on, and the Dwarf God started eating. In no time at all he had finished a third of the table, the appetizer all but gone, and he was beginning to work on the entrees when Pugg shouted to him, "My, my little cousin, you must've not eaten for a week, knowing that you were coming to my feast. Here," he said and took the wine from the table, filling his glass. "Here, drink some wine to wash down the dainties. After all, the wine was sitting on the table, and you'll have to finish it off sooner or later."

"Indeed," said the Dwarf God and he swallowed up the goblet of wine faster than you can say KRUNKITS. Then, in not half a breath more, he was finished with the entrees and beginning to work on the deserts.

"Slow down!" cried Pugg. "You eat so fast it is easy to see why you'll never grow any bigger. Here, take another drink of wine to wash down what you've eaten before you begin on the desserts."

"Indeed," said the Dwarf God and swallowed down the wine faster than the first time. Then, turning his attention to the desserts, he began to chew away like a suckling on his mother's breast.

And just when it looked as if the Dwarf God would finish the table, just when there was only one tiny cake left, Pugg raised his hands and cried, "Enough!" All the other Gods cheered and Pugg scooped up the wine flask and poured out two goblets and handed one to the Dwarf God. "You have all but beaten me, little one. Let us drink now to your health, as I salute your victory and my humility."

"You are a very gracious host," said the Dwarf God, "for an Ork" (this misspelling is to show that the other races do not know the proper way to pronounce ORK). They both drank to the Dwarf God's victory and when the goblets were empty, the Dwarf God finished off the last little cake and raised his head in victory.

"Now, give to me what is mine," said the proud little God, "for I have won!"

Pugg shook his head, heavy and low with sadness. "I do not wish to correct you, Dwarf, but you are wrong. You have lost."

"And how have I lost?" the Dwarf God demanded.

"The wager we agreed upon was for you to eat all that was on the table."

"And I have done so. Look! The table 'is empty." He stretched his hands over the table, and indeed, it was devoid of eatables and drinkables.

But Pugg smiled and said, "You have missed one swallow. A swallow that you can never finish, little God." And as he spoke, Pugg raised the goblet that he drank from and slammed it empty on the table. "For this swallow of wine that I took from the table to drink to your victory is one swallow that you missed and cannot finish. So you have lost, and I have won!"

And that is how Pugg fooled the Dwarf God out of one small sliver of his claim to the Afterlife.

Now ORKS consider this to be FRAttu. It teaches a lesson, and makes Dwarfs seem to be gluttonous fools who cannot see beyond their own puggy little noses. And because that is FRAttu, the story is FRAttu.

There are many other stories, including the three other ttWAKS that Pugg used to foot the other Gods out of portions of their Afterlands, how BOssttRAKA learned the ways of magick from the elves and mechanics from the dwarves and steel from the humans, and of course, the tale of GOttDuKu and the Dragon of the Sky, and all of these stories are FRAttu.

The Last Trick

It has been told how Pug tricked the other Gods out of their places in the Afterlands in the beginning of the world, but the tale of the end of the world is the one that concerns ORKS most.

All ORKS know what awaits them in the Afterland; it is a great toad called GORLAM that waits for the warm souls of fallen ORKS.

GORLAM devours the ORK souls when they pass on, and they must spend the rest of eternity trapped in his belly, forever aware of the Afterland that has been prepared for them. GORLAM was created by the kindred races to keep ORKS out of the Afterlands in revenge for their being ttWAKD by Pugg.

But one day, a great ORK hero will arise. There are many prophesies concerning his appearance, but the greatest was told by the blind MeffDOGttA GOttRBAN. Called "The Last Trick" it talks of an end time when all ORKS must Join with the kindred races in a battle against a great shadow. One ORK rises to bring all the Clans and Tribes of ORK together to join with the kindred races. He fights the shadow beside a human, an elf, and a dwarf, and it is his spear that kills the shadow. But his wounds are so great, even his DOMGNs miracles are not enough to keep his soul on the mortal plane.

And so the ORK hero's soul (filled with the souls of a thousand fallen brothers) will rise up to face GORLAM. After a terrific battle, he defeats the enemy of the ORKS, splitting GORLAM's stomach with his spear, allowing all the swallowed souls of the ORKS to spill into the Afterlands they have been promised. Such is the end of the world as ORKS understand it.

Conclusion

I hope this scroll will help in establishing better relations between the races. It has always been my goal to educate myself and my fellow ORKS, and that is why I followed the path of the MeffDOGttA, and that is why I came to this college. But ever since I came to this College, I have heard all the whispers that have passed behind my back, and I have tolerated them, but no longer. I will not stand idly by while insufferable ignorance in this "academic community dedicated to the search for truth" continues.

There is nothing I despise more than hatred and fear. Those things are for gglPS. It seems that many of my' whispering and snickering compatriots have forgotten that ORKS have ears... and we carry them in a little pouch tied to our belt.

More Ork

A New Look at an Old Enemy
Ork Phonetic Guide
What Do an Ork, Pickaxe, and a Mermaid Have in Common?