Best in Serious Gaming

Last month, I announced that this month's review would be the new release from Excruciating Simulations. Yet Another Battle For Some Nameless Piece of God-Forsaken Steppe Somewhere East of Warsaw (volume MCMLXIX in their best-selling series, Real gamers Only Play East Front Comes). However, an outpouring of render mail about an intriguing new effort has convinced me otherwise. A worm round of applause, please, for Bottomline Publications' Golf War.

"Golf War" is a facinating game of war, mayhem, intrigue, diplomacy, & role-playing on an imaginary (and somewhat improbable) golf course sometime in the not-so-distant future.

The game starts as the players take various personae who are playing golf at an exclusive country club which occupies the center of the mapboard. Most of the scoring is based on the characters performance at the actual game of golf, so in this preliminary phase it is crucial to snap up as many points as possible before shooting starts. The Golf Pro character, in particular, will (with luck) be able to snap up enough points to remain viable during the later game, where he is at a disadvantage.

I found the golf rules to be a bit too realistic & detailed; using viscous drag to determine the distance a bell flies is a real pain. Also, the course is something of a cross between regular golf & miniature golf; who ever heard of a golf course with huge windmill obstacles?

In general, this part of the game is often quite frustrating. The March Here, which tends to appear & steal balls, can be a reel annoyance. The Worst, though, is the Don Quixote counter, which tends to do incredible mayhem with a lance against unarmed golfers who stray too close to the windmill that he claims for his own foe. The luck factor in all this is thankfully controlled by the fact that players can play cards to deflect the good Knight's attention to another player. A similar mechanism to control the action of the Klingon Lending Party, another troublesome unit, would be a considerable improvement.

Each turn, the wind direction is rolled for; prevailing winds are eastward, but soon enough the die will bring it around to the west. This brings with it the fumes from the department of defense chemical warfare plant, which is undergoing a disaster of the first magnitude,. This is when our peaceful golfers turn into homicidal maniacs, & the real fun begins.

Each character has an array of special abilities, which is much of the fun of the game. The General can call in one artillery barrage per game from the military base to the north, while The Admiral con call in one air strike from the carrier battle group stationed in the ocean to the south. The extra turn delay in resolving the air strike is balanceby the fact that the Admiral's Marines are slightly tougher than the General's Soldiers.

Three of the characters are variations on a theme. The Mad Slasher has a horrifying array of edged weapons, & an absolutely horrifying Personal Combat rating. Arnold Action (a clear Arnold S. rip-off) has an assault rifle with two clips, & The Tree-Trimmer has a ghostly gasoline-powered tree trimmer which pretty much dismembers whatever it is used on.

Their combat prowness makes these three characters straightforward to play, £r many beginners find them unstoppable. A god strategy is to play off the Slasher & Trimmer players against each other, so that their ferocious weapons are mostly waved at each other. They can make unstoppable allies once Arnold has used up his ammo, but this is usually not a game-winning tactic against experienced opponents, because the alliance immediately becomes the target of every "Allies quarrel" chit on the board. Their high Temper 'ratings ensure that if the quarrel is reinforced with a second chit in the Psychological Warfare phase of the following turn, the results will be spectacular indeed.

A few more playing tips: the Trimmer should keep to the woods, because the +4 Defense modifier for the Trimmer in Woods is crucial for survival; the fact that the character is deaf from years of handling power tools makes him a sucker for an Ambush otherwise. The Slasher, seemingly invincible, is actually rather weak because of his high Beserk rating. But he is often the kingmaker, since he can expect to take out at least one other player of his choosing while beserk, and the sheer joy that most players seem to find in directing his homicidal tendencies makes him a popular choice.

The Diplomat is actually one of the most powerful characters; he makes up for his lack of high-caliber weaponry by his ability to talk his way out of almost anything; he often peacefully plays golf while the blood flows around him, stopping occasionally to duck a particularly determined attacker. His ability to break other alliances make him an even more powerful ally. I find it useful to use him to direct the affections of the Movie Starlet to make the other players miss carefully chosen turns. As a historical simulation, though, the rules do not reflect the actual situation. We use a secret Diplomatic Mission houserule to keep the Diplomat from taking advantage of the Oil Sheik too often, and to inject some realistic uncertainly as to what the Diplomat's actual objectives are.

Another popular choice is the Course Owner, since (like the Trimmer) he knows the entire mapboard well & con in addition command the Lawnmower Panzers (big riding lawnmowers used as assault vehicles). The graphics for what happens to someone ridden down by these mad vehicles is stomach-churning. However, their tendency to explode when hit in the gas tank (a location rolled surprizingly often) keeps them from sweeping the course & ensures that they must be used with core & not committed to battle too early or too often. I have found that when they are used, however, it is better to commit all the Heavy Mowers & retain only two or three Light Mowers to defend the Owner. You need to destroy the opposition before they con roll some gasoline criticals, & if the Owner is flanked you should load him onto a light mower & get away while the other covers the escape (other than try to fight. The great mobility of a mower almost guarantees an escape, if the player is clever enough to stay on the relatively open terrain near the center. Avoid roughs & woods like the plague, as mechanical breakdowns in bad terrain can be fatal.

The Pro, as we mentioned, is rather week in the later game, but his deadly Accuracy rating with the plastique-filled golf balls is often enough to holout for a decisive victory on points. The subtleties of winning play as The Pro are best left to experts who understand the delicate positional play involved.

Certain considerations are crucial to all characters. Overall strategy revolves around timing & careful use of the monetary rules; many players pay to little attention to the state of the International Monetary Fund chart until they find themselves unable to invest In further weapons from the International Arms Denier (who should "Never' be attacked by less than overwhelming force; the +8 column shifts for his lavishly armed & trained guards are brutal beyond belief--if you con seek his booth, though, the captured weapons should give you a good shot at a decisive solo victory.

The rules are reasonably concise, but suffer from an over-serious style. Often even the most serious simulation benefits from entertainingly written rules, & this game is no exception. There are also a number of annoying ambiguities left unresolved. For example, rule 167.2.34 clearly states that the Hail Mary division of militant nuns from the Abbey to the southwest use Vehicle Mounted Weapons rules for their cream-pie howitzer, but rule 23.7/z.1la-c clearly indicates that "all" non-handheld infantry weapons must use the Artillery Fire Table. Neither alternative seems to capture the historical performance of the weapon anyway, marring an otherwise admirably realistic simulation.

In a similar vein, does the x2 Sneak-&-Slash bonus while inside the Crystal Palace (rule 7.90.8.z, case 3d) also apply to the Pro while using his #2 wood as a hand weapon? Presumably so, from the wording, but this not only contradicts the clear implication of rule 5.43%.3/56/1 but also makes it too easy for the Pro to hole up in the Palace & try to outlast the other players. We play that the wood merely counts as a Weighted Weapon From Behind, rule 74@3:(#3#)-f/17, which both balances things & seems to reflect the realities of the situation.

The greatest difficulties, however, result from the Alchemy rules, which neither make sense nor capture the historical "feel" which experienced garners expect. The magic system used by the Faerie Horde is a bit better, but don't expect either to be as good as the elegant Djinn rule (34#2.d5Y19.5).

However, I should applaud the rules writer on his social awareness; gender neutral language is used throughout, hopefully making worsen feel more welcome as participants in the wholesale slaughter, a goal which seems to of some importance to the author. "Women are wargaming's little sugarcakes", he notes, "B we should do more to make the sweet things welcome to quit primping in the bathroom & play with the men. Besides, they sure look better than the average convention gamer at three AM."

In a similar vein, the hobby has long needed a game designer with the moral courage to rise above the current glut of games which play on easy stereotypes & adolescent hormones. Here too, "Golf War' breaks new ground: it is explained that the Horde of Hottentots which bedevil many a winning player late in the game are "...brave & mighty warriors whose peaceable nature is only exceeded by their desire to wreak justice on the decendants of the shirt-tail relations of the Dead White Male oppressors who unjustly incorporated their ancestral homeland into a vicious & degrading Colonial system." The author is also careful to note that "The Blonde Bombshell is actually n victim of a male-dominated society which only valued her for her appearance.- & that "she still dreams of going to college & completing her degree in numerical magneto-hydrodynamics while paying her own way by jello-wrestling at local taverns."

The hobby has long needed a game designer with the moral courage to rise above the myriad of games which pander to the lowest common denominator, & demonstrate the enlightened & inclusive nature of our hobby. Clearly, this is a game which speaks volumes about the oft-repeated criticism that wargaming is a pimply-faced white adolescent middle-class male activity. The author's next game project, "Unchained D-cup Vampire Leather Vixens From Below Hell" is said to be even more ground-breaking in this regard.

So, does "Golf War" work? It certainly works as a game, particularly during a convention where the alcohol flows entirely too freely. As a simulation, it is a good effort, but probably not the definitive historical work that this particular gaming genre awaits. It will, however, be the game that all others on the same subject will be compared with for years to come. The simple, playable, yet historically accurate rules ate a rare treat, & the intuitive organizational scheme spelled out in rule (89zed24).#8#-9 should be a model for future rules-writers. Overall, a solid "9+" on the Laurence Review scale.

What does the future hold for "Golf War" fans? Many of us will eagerly await the Second edition, which will incorporate the "19th Hole Slaughter' module, as well as a sequel using the same system titled "Polo & Lawn Dart Mayhem", which I understand will introduce the Tactical Nuclear Weapon rules & give a more detailed B playable treatment of Ritual Necromancy than "Golf War".

I urge my readers to support this fine effort. The publisher has been named in a series of unfair & wholly groundless lawsuits by Paramount Pictures, Steve Jackson Games, the National Organization of Women, & the NAACP. This frivolous litigation will no doubt be soon thrown out, but in the meantime these fine people need your gaming dollar.

Fortunately, Bottomline Publications has filed a lawsuit against the publisher of a game entitled "Gulf War", clearly a rip-off on the part of a jealous publisher eager to cash in on the popularity of "Golf War". With an expected lucrative settlement in this lawsuit, the "Golf War" folks should be solvent & bringing us fine games for many years to come. Until then, accept no substitutes. Demand that your game store stock "Golf War". If we as consumers don't demand quality games, who will? Dustin

Next Month: The Discriminating Wargamer reviews the latest offering in one of the hottest genres of roleplayinq: "Brooding Existential Gothic Teenage Mutant Vampire: The Charade", by Albino Alabatross games.