Of all the indoor sports save one (girl chasing), wargaming is overloaded with over-serious people who take thzmzelves far too seriously. It might even be said that this excess of sober-sides has, down through history, kept the sport from becoming as wide-spread as it might. For after all, what timid beginner likes to be bashed around by an opponent? That good-natured fellow will put up with a cardboard-stiff know-it-all? So millions have, down through ages turned to less ill-natured activities. But the grim-faced experts of wargaming go on and on, complaining of a 1ack of opponents yet never recognising that it is their own harsh natures which drive others away. Why must wargames be so damn serious? Why must every little detail of uniform and tactics be perfection? Why is the humanity and humour of history ignored in favour of a complete concentration on petty hair-splitting about foolish little facts? Facts be damned! They and those who worship them are a curse. I'd rather play a game with slightly inaccurate rules of movement (not historically correct) but which also had a rule about a general's drinking (U.S.Grant maybe?) than one which was absolutely accurate and correct but stripped of all its humanity and humour. Maybe you don't agree with me. But if you do, read on. Following you will find a guide which will help you fight frozen-face-and-mind-Pox and perhaps will make your wargames a bit more fun. In other words, stay away from the below-listed types or if you yourself are one - quit wargaming and go back to chess, checkers or to hell: CASE 1: General Know-It-All This type is easily identified by his uniform which he usually puts on for playing wargames. complete kit will usually include all service ribbons and decorations, swagger stick or riding crop, service pistol, jump or riding boots. Mostly this individual is addicted to Napoleonic period games or the wars of Frederick. He never cracks a smile, insists that all arguments be settled by following his ideas. He actually believes everyone but himself is a clod. He is self-satisfied in victory and in defeat pulls out history books, Army field manuals and the social register to prove that the game is all wrong or childish. CASE 2: General Stiff Neck This type is a little more difficult to recognise - until it's too late and you are in the middle of a campaign with him. He is characterised by an extreme addiction to the letter ' of all rules and completely ignores the spirit. In addition, he believes that all rules must be based on military history alone completely ignoring other factors. If he wins he will lecture you on your mistakes in rule application. If he loses he will probably never play you again (be thankful). CASE 3: General Lazy Unlike the two above he is not so rigid in his views. In fact he secretly holds only one view: let the other guy do the work! He will talk and talk but comes time to do any work he doesn't have time. Yet when the work is done and the game or campaign ready to go, he will show up and join in. But his method of joining in is to criticise what others have done and thus spoil things, make things too serious. His complete inability to do anything except use the fruits of other's work will force you to work your head off getting ready for a game with him, thus leaving YOU tired and ill-natured, ready and ripe to blow up over his criticism. CASE 4: General Big Deal This type can easily be recognised by his oft-voiced big plans. He is never satisfied to fight small battles but always wants to get bigger, bigger and bigger. Soon his games (in which you are involved) become so complex, so expensive and so important that all the joy is gone from them. Since this constant growth is a constant strain, he limits rules (yours and his) to very simple basics which allow for no good-natured latitude. He can be cured however, by the very sickness which afflicts him. In time he will wear himself down so much he will begin to think with favour about a nice friendly little game of an evening. CASE 5: General Public He is the blood cousin of General Big Deal and in fact is closer to being a brother. He not only has a craving to get bigger and bigger but he has a reason: if things become big enough he can use his hobby as an excuse to approach the press and get himself publicity. Unlike Case 4 however, he cannot be cured. His final object is to have a huge exhibition hall, thousands of soldiers and plenty of assistant generals to run them. Meanwhile he will "direct" the war all the while keeping in close touch with his Press Agents, TV, radio, etc. CASE 6: General Delivery This final type writes articles for magazines like WGD criticising other wargamers. He should be avoided like the plague since he loves to stick barbs into all pompous asses and can thus spoil a good solid, serious wargame. He is a charter member of L-E-D. For those of you who have read this far I would like to conclude with another plea: "War" as Clemenceau once said, "is too important (too serious a business) to be left to the generals". Wargaming on the other hand is too much fun to be ruined by them. "Reprinted from War Games Digest March 1962" Back to Table of Contents -- Wargamer's Newsletter # 112 To Wargamer's Newsletter List of Issues To MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 1971 by Donald Featherstone. This article appears in MagWeb.com (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other articles from military history and related magazines are available at http://www.magweb.com