TOP SECRET MEMORANDUM

From: General Gneisenau
To: Baron von Muffling, Liaison Officer, Brussels
Subject: Our 'Ally'

Be aware of Wellington's trickery! He has been in India so long thqt he has become as slippery as an oriental, himself. Do not believe anything he says without double checking with the sources. We cannot depend on him to support the Army of the Lower Rhine in times of great adversity.

The following scandalous behavior of his was observed:

"The Duke himself was observed today walking in the Central Park. The next moment a carriage was seen to drive up on the opposite side of the Park and a young lady (believed to be the loose charactered Lady Frances Wedderburn-Webster, or possibly the intriguing Lady Jutta Van der Haven) alighted. Shortly thereafter, she was joined by the Great Man himself, and the two descended into a hollow, where the trees completely sheltered them from view. Not a moment later, another carriage abruptly pulled up, containing our agent, who was unable to catch a glimpse of them. What secret did the green hollow keep?"

AT CAMP WAVRE

Mein Herren and Mein Fraus, Monsieurs and Madams, Ladies und Chentlemen:

I am a Colonel of the Propaganda Section. There we never know what our assignment will be next. A desperate courier ride in the night? Editing a newsletter? Secret assignments I cannot mention, other than to generally hint just to impress the ladies, eh? Sometimes I think Grandpa Blucher makes them up as he goes along! (BA-DE-BUM) So anyway, he has asked me here tonight to entertain you, and remind you why we are here. So for now, let your hearts be light, for on the morrow, desperate battle will come. Let out your emotions, and laugh a little. And remember:

In heaven there is no beer
And so we drink it here
And when I'm gone from here
All my friends will be drinkin' all the beer

WHY WE FIGHT

Always, always the French! 'We have the largest population,' 'We have the most money, ' 'We have the finest fashion.' You can't appease them. You can't even avoid them. Give them Belgium; they want all The Netherlands too. Ja. The French.

They can never settle down. They can't even keep their revolution to themselves. They have to export it, and force their ways on us.

Napoleon.

Try to negotiate with Napoleon. "My soldiers are going to live off the land--yours." "My relatives are going to rule over some redrawn borders--yours." "We need some more soldiers to go to Russia--yours."

Well, no thanks, Mr. Bonaparte. The first time we said "It doesn't have to be crucifixion--go off and live on an island somewhere." But that wasn't good enough for him. Well, guess what? We were just joking--its crucifixion, really.

NOT SO ROMANTIC

Sure, Beethovan wrote you a symphony. But he tore it up when he found out what a phoney you are. "The Rights of Man." Please. The rights of the Bonaparte family to steal everything from Europe! Go; try to find a piece of silverware left in Italy. GOOD LUCK! Deluded Liberals end up shivering in the snows of Russia, as Cossacks circle in for he kill. That's little Napoleon the Romantic for you.

NOT EVEN GOOD SOLDIERS

You know why they started with the column? They couldn't march in a straight line! No, its true. There were a lot of them, all standing around yelling, and their officers said "What have we got to lose? Lauch them in the whole column! And here they come screaming like maniacs, so you can't even shoot your musket straight at them. Its unnerving, the first time.

Yes, they beat us. We say now NEVER AGAIN. All of Europe has had enough of this theiving gangster who never gets enough. And his flunkies, those French fops. You'd think, with all their fashion, the man could at least hold his pants up. That's why his hand is always in there. Or could there be another reason? Never mind, you're too young. I'm too young. Even the sheep's too young!

NO SCHOLAR

The man who stands astride Europe like a colossus! This man can't even read a map. He wants to conquer Europe, right? So he lands in Egypt. IN EGYPT.

For heavens sake, even I know that's not right. And we don't even have a navy!

This man is insane. He declares victory; then abandons the whole army except for a few favorites who pull with him out like cowards in the dead of night. He leaves the entire army behind to death from the Muslims and the desert.

Before that, he does the same thing in Syria. He declares victory there after he can't even take an enemy city! Abandons an entire army. Insane.

What's the easiest job in the French Army? Doctor in the Medical Corps. Its true, I swear. They have no equipment, no hospitals, no blankets, and no ambulances. Napoleon's relatives sell it all on the Black Market. So what do the doctors do, play cards?

EVEN HIS WIFE CAN'T STAND HIM

Now this man, this 'emperor'--go figure. He spends his entire career beating Austrian armies, then he marries an Austrian princess, has a child, and moves in on the Emperor of that country to tell him what to do! Now that's nervy.

But you don't see his Princess with him living on the island. Oh, no. He's too busy there playing footsie with his own sister. Don't even get me started on that one.

Napoleon, hah! A bayonet through the belly is what he'll get if I find him on the battlefield. That's my dream. The only problem is; there are a hundred thousand others trying to beat me to it!

Thank you, thank you. You're very kind. I don't do this for a living, you know. I was only following orders!

Good night and God Bless!