At Historicon 2001 I played in Tom Anderson's "Explore Kifaru" scenario. It was a three-sided Darkest Africa battle using The Sword in Africa rules. As usual I chose my command using the "lazy man" method: sit in the nearest available chair and play whatever's in front of you. I ended up with a very eccentric army. There were two large units of Ruga Rugas, about 18 porters, and half a dozen European big game hunters. The hunting party was made up of some snooty looking men and women. Picking a funny name for you commander is very important. I decided that the safari would be lead by Lord and Lady Stuffington.

Lady Stuffington: "We should have brought more porters."

I also had two Rhodesian ridgebacks to play with. I considered these my most valuable figures. There were also three allied commands: Sikhs, British regulars and Askari, and some prospectors with native musketeers. We had three objectives: Kill Zanzibaris, hunt big game, and survey the valley of the pygmies.

Our main opponents were the Zanzibaris. Their forces included two cannons, a unit of Zanzibaris, some Baluchis, and a few native units. Their objectives were to kill British, capture baggage and European women, and destroy the pygmy village in the valley. In hindsight I should have been on their side, since razing native villages is something of a Fritz specialty. It's in my blood, you know. But you play the cards you're dealt. A third force was on the board, but hidden. Among the concealed hazards were wild animals, pygmies, cannibals, and black magic.

As the game began I could see two elephants in the distance. I knew what had to be done. I headed straight for them, using the ridgebacks and Ruga Rugas to scout along the way. Meanwhile on the right flank the Sikhs were ambushed by two unites of natives. Miraculously, neither native unit was able to close. The Sikh commander breathed a sigh of relief as the natives fled back into the jungle. The sudden attack did have a psychological impact. The Sikhs moved very slowly and carefully for the remainder of the game, expecting another attack on their right flank at any time.

On my left the British and the prospectors were taking their sweet time in moving onto the board. The Zanzibaris and Baluchis took the initiative and moved their cannons into a good position in the middle of the field. As my hunters stalked into shooting range of the elephants I continued to assure the Pygmy commanders that we were a peaceful scientific expedition from the National Geographic Society. They weren't buying it. We opened up on the elephants, wounding one of them. Just then a cannon ball exploded dangerously close to the party.

Lord Stuffington: "Great Scott! The elephants have brought up some artillery!"

We decided to retire briefly to consider this shocking turn of events. Just then a gigantic bull elephant burst from the trees in our rear. I briefly considered protesting that I had scouted those trees just a few turns ago. But then I remembered I had sent some Ruga Rugas to do the job. I could well imagine what had probably transpired.

Annoyed at being singled out for extra duty, the two Ruga Rugas had walked just far enough into the bush so that they couldn't be seen. They lit up a doobie while waiting for a reasonable amount of time to pass. Meanwhile, behind the next bush, the puzzled bull elephant watched them warily. The Ruga Rugas later emerged from the bush to cheerfully report that the woods are clear.

In any event, the elephant charged through the porters, scattering them to the four winds, leaving the baggage in a heap. As the hunters emerged from the woods they were astounded to see a giant pachyderm approaching rapidly. They bravely took aim. The Ruga Rugas also turned to shoot the monster. It looked like some weird elephant firing squad, and surely the beast couldn't survive the hail of bullets that was about to be unleashed.

Then the sky suddenly darkened, a black cloud appeared out of nowhere and the rain poured down. Pygmy black magic! Everyone struggled to pick out their targets and keep their powder dry. Bullets flew everywhere, most missing by a wide margin. The hunters decided to retire across the stream and out of the downpour. Just as they got clear of the rain the bull elephant came charging out of the woods after them.

Lord Stuffington: "Mighty sporting of the chap to give us another shot at him!"

Again the hunters carefully aimed at the oncoming elephant. The ridgebacks gamely charged at the beast, nipping at his feet. Suddenly the elephant they had wounded earlier in the day came charging at them from the right. Off to their left a squad of crocodiles assaulted the Ruga Rugas. The hunters blazed away, to no effect. The bull squished one of the ridgebacks as he charged. Young Teddy was stomped into pudding. Sir Cedric Collingsworth was gored and thrown aside like a rag doll. His wife Agnes was trampled as she blazed away with her pistol.

Lord Stuffington: "Leave it to Agnes to bring a pistol to an elephant fight."

It looked bad for the hunters until Lady Stuffington slapped the bull across the trunk and chastised him for his rude behavior. To the amazement of everyone the two elephants ran away.

Lord Stuffington: "It's a tragedy, but we must keep a stiff upper lip."

Lady Stuffington: "Dear, I think Cedric and Agnes are quite stiff enough already."

Lord Stuffington pointed to a pool of blood and gore: "It isn't sporting to leave wounded animals in the field. We can track them by their spoor."

Lady Stuffington: "Dear, that isn't elephant spoor, it's your nephew Teddy."

Lord Stuffington went to the Ruga Ruga commander and tried to convince him to have his men drop their muskets and pick up the baggage. The commander was reluctant to obey. After all, how could they protect themselves if they disarmed? And sir, could we please have this conversation later. Right now crocodiles are eating three of my men.

Lord Stuffington: "Well, sir, I've seen you fire your weapons, and if that's any indication of the level of marksmanship among your men you might as well be carrying steamer trunks."

The commander thought seriously about massacring the hunters as he watched the crocodiles slide back into the stream with his men in their jaws. But if all the Europeans were killed, who would pay him and his men? So he left in a huff. Off on the right flank the skittish Sikhs were engaging the Baluchis in a firefight at maximum range. On the left Major Dawdle was insisting that his command wasn't going to budge until the Zanzibaris moved first, and, darn it, the cards just weren't cooperating. I was thinking that this battle is not going well at all.

It was then that the third elephant came charging over the hill straight at the hunters. In my opinion, this was sheer cruelty on the part of Emily, the pygmy commander. Never mind that I had just been discussing, in a loud voice, the horrible tortures I planned to inflict on the remaining elephant. Three elephant attacks in one game are too many for my tastes. Once again the surviving ridgeback bravely launched himself at the oncoming elephant. Once again the elephant squished him without breaking stride. The hunters blazed away and, incredibly, killed the beast on their first try.

The proud hunters climbed a nearby hill to look for their other intended targets: lions, leopards, and rhinos. As they topped the crest a cannon ball exploded nearby, killing Sir Woolenhed and splashing blood on Lady Stuffington's fine tweed hunting jacket.

Lady Stuffington: "The problem with Africa is that it's absolutely teeming with beastly Africans."

Lord Stuffington: "Dear, those are Zanzibaris."

Lady Stuffington: "Whatever. Look, I think those swarthy chaps are going to make a fight of it."

And they were. The Sikhs started to push the attack, driving the Baluchis away. I sent the Ruga Rugas up the middle to draw fire. Major Dawdle had finally finished his tea and was starting to stir into action. I tried to help things along by loudly denouncing every Zanzibari move as a clear violation of Pygmy sovereignty, which should be punished severely. Perhaps it was stretching things when I described one of the Pygmy commanders as "The Neville Chamberlain of Pygmy land." But, to my surprise, I turned out to be correct.

Suddenly the Zanzibari's sent their native allies into the Pygmy's sacred valley. The Pygmies fought back with a combined arms counterattack that would have made Hitler proud. In this case the combined arms were pygmy archers, cannibal spearmen, and a pride of lions. Oh my! Suddenly one of the Zanzibari cannons sank into some quicksand without a trace. More pygmy black magic! And the rout was on. The Zanzibari's began to withdraw.

We took a final stab at surveying the Pygmy valley but we were met with fierce resistance from the little demons, and a fusillade of rhinos. I managed to bag one of the rhinos from a safe distance, but the battle was all but over. It was a clear victory for the Pygmies, and an unmitigated disaster for Lord Stuffington. The scenario was great fun. Everyone was impressed with the fantastic look of Tom's animals. Even the elephants looked great, the murdering monsters. I hope to get a copy of the rules Tom used for his animals, and other devious hazards, so that I can use them to torment my gaming buddies.