Battle Report

It was a typical night in the Angry Iguana Tavern. Pirates from ten different crews were drinking and eating. The tavern owner, Smirnoff, was in his office cooking the books while his partner, Jack Daniels, tended bar. Margarita and Bloody Mary, the barmaids, struggled to keep up with the drink orders. LeRoi Brown, the baddest man in town, was drinking alone in one corner. Three oddly dressed men carried a mysterious box into the back room. Little Sherman, the tavern's mascot and good luck charm, was napping on a bench. In short, the bar was a powder keg waiting for someone to light the fuse.

The trouble started when one of the red pirates lobbed a grenade behind the bar. Perhaps he wasn't satisfied with the service? Fights broke out in every corner of the room. Daniels reached under the bar for his peacemaker, a loaded swivel gun, and pounded it into its mount in the bar. He didn't live long enough to fire it as musket balls hit him from all directions. A red pirate seized the swivel gun and unloaded it at his rivals.

The white pirates retaliated with their own swivel gun before assaulting the strangers in the back room.

The strangers turned out to be samurai and a vicious fight began. The pirates managed to defeat the samurai and took shelter in the back room. They desperately worked to reload their guns before a rival could attack them.

A blue pirate grabbed Margarita and headed for the door. Bloody Mary winged him with her pistol but he escaped with his prize. The green pirates attacked Smirnoff in his office. They wanted his painting, which was rumored to conceal a treasure map.

The Chinese went after LeRoi Brown. One of them shot him with a musket while the other three attacked him with their swords. LeRoi was tougher than old King Kong and meaner than a junkyard dog. He killed one of the pirates and seriously wounded a second before he went down, bleeding from a dozen wounds. The gleeful Chinese declared their captain, He-Ho, the new baddest man in town. He-Ho silenced the snickers in the room with a murderous glare.

One of the brown pirates decided to peek into the kitchen. He was horrified to see the kitchen staffed by cannibals. Willy, the missing cabin boy, was stewing in the cook pot. "Soylent green is people," the pirate shouted as he fled. The furious cannibals charged out of the kitchen but the brown pirate had ducked around the corner. The cannibals attacked the green pirates instead. Kelly Green, the famed female pirate, was struck with a poisoned dart from a blowgun. She could feel the poison coursing through her veins. The cannibals shouted "Umgowa blini blin" (translation: "dead man walking"). The green pirates tried desperately to kill one of the cannibals so they could get the antidote before Kelly died. They succeeded just in time. Just in time for Kelly to be on the receiving end of the white pirates' reloaded swivel gun.

Five guards rushed into the room to restore order. Their pike block moved across the room, driving some of the pirates towards the side door while others circled the formation looking for a chance to strike. One pirate that wasn't going to move was Blackbeard. All four of his pistols had been emptied into rival pirates so he grabbed a full mug and launched it at the guards. They continued to advance as Blackbeard showered them with bowls, plates, and mugs, killing one guard.

The brown pirates decided to go for the big prize. One of them went down the trap door and ladder into the treasure room. He found himself in a small room with four feet of water. The strong box was on the far side of the room and a floating log was conveniently positioned in front of it… a little too convenient. The courageous pirate stepped carefully onto the log and was immediately thrown into the water. The log was really a massive alligator. Big Sherman took a big chomp out of the pirate, sending him racing back up the ladder as fast as he could. His mates started tossing corpses down the trap door to appease the beast.

Back in the bar area the pirates had resorted to wholesale looting. Several grabbed barrels of rum and headed for the front door. They reached the door just as ten more guards entered the tavern, led by the captain of the guard. The pirates dropped their loot and ran for their lives. The captain killed one of them with a well-aimed pistol shot. The pirates all ran for the side door, but the Chinese had gotten there first and they weren't letting anyone out. The result was a wild furball of a melee in front of the door that only ended when the remainder of the town garrison arrived to restore order.

Victory points were tallied and the winner received his reward – a treasure chest full of gold doubloons (chocolate coins). He generously shared his treasure with the other players, even the Chinese pirates. It was a typical night in the Angry Iguana Tavern.