Being an Evil Overlord is a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, Evil Overlords invariably get overthrown and destroyed in the end; they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every time.

Thus, if I ever become an Evil Overlord: The artifact that is the source of my power will not be guarded by the Dragons of Eternity on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire; it will be in my safe deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. When I’ve captured the hero and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No”.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism, but if it is necessary, it will not be a big red button labelled Danger: Do Not Push; the big red button marked Do Not Push will trigger a spray of bullets at anyone who disregards it. Similarly, the On/Off switch will not clearly be labelled as such. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child; any flaws in my plan that he spots will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.” I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers or savage Mongol hordes; all were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind set.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use; that way, even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless, my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. I will never build only one of anything important; all important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier; morale is better with a more casual dress code.

I will not grow a goatee; in the old days they made you look diabolic; now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money; those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness; if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

My main computers will have their own operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will transfer him to a less people-oriented position. I will hire a team of architects to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship; any who cannot hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using; if he breaks the code, it will not be used. This also applies to passwords.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two; they will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup instead of quizzically peering around a corner. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a squad of crack marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him; instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.

Finally, to keep my subjects in a permanent mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.