There are two kinds of people in the world: those who are right, those who are wrong, and those who are indifferent. Well, once in a while I get carried away and forget that two is never equal to three, even for very large values of two. There are three kinds of people in the world: those who are right, those who are wrong, those who are indifferent, and those who expect the Spanish Inquisition.

Simulacrum’s new computer installation, the Raketny Kreyser (rack of Kreys) from Byelorussia.

Well, I for one am indifferent to the Spanish Inquisition (I can also divide by zero, even in Reverse Polish Notation, but let’s not go there) which is why you will discover another article or two by Mark Wegierski in this issue. Some of you found Mark’s last article in Simulacrum Politically Incorrect enough to warrant righteous indignation in this and other venues. I consider this to be a good sign: it shows me that you’re not asleep out there; that I am not alone in my propensity for making a public fool of myself; and that being less-than-Politically Correct no longer results in automatic demands for defenestration.

Speaking of the Spanish Inquisition, my good friend and habitual liar Otto deFaye reminded me recently of Joe Bonham. Who is Joe Bonham? Those of you who have read Dalton Trumbo’s book Johnny Got His Gun will now remember him. And those of you who haven’t read the book, but who plan on catching the video soon, don’t have a leg to stand on in my estimation. In fact, Mr. Trumbo is as much to be remembered as the hero of his book. He was subjected to the ministrations of the infamous Joseph Raymond McCarthy, the Patron Saint of Political Correctness, who single-handedly demonstrated why it is most unwise for any political system to give any one individual too much power.

If any of you are wondering what this has to do with board wargame collecting and accumulating, you must be new here. Please take a number and the Welcome Wagon will be right with you. In the meantime, I’m most pleased to have this opportunity to explain. I like to think that we grognards (and apprentice grognards) tend to be a bit older and wiser, that we are part of a reality that has more than two dimensions, that we are aware of and appreciate the synergies of mixed metaphors. Arthur Koestler once said that if a person with no knowledge of railroads (a visitor to Earth, say) were standing in a valley, watching two trains approach each other from opposite directions, and that person was unable to see the tracks because of a low-lying mist, he would call the ensuing crash a coincidence.

We grognards know better.

Markus Stumptner was in Vancouver before Christmas, and accepted (much too readily, which I attribute to the fact that English is not his first language) my invitation to visit Victoria. Markus and I go way back, when rec.games.board and rec.games.board.marketplace were the only games in town, so to speak. After ten years of trading the occasional jibe over the æther, we finally met face to face. It was a delight, my only regret being that we talked too much to have time for a game of something. And he said nothing to me about Solomon Sea! Ever since Anschluss, these Austro-Hungarians have been almost as bad as Germans.

Give me enough time and I’ll finally get around to everything. Some of you may be wondering why the last issue, a profile of Simulations Canada, contained no profile of The Driving Force himself. To forestall any nasty rumors, the correct answer is: “[d] None of the above.” Steve wanted me to reprint the profile that I had written for Strategist 300 in March 1997. I tried scanning it in, but the tight gutters I used back then (in an effort to squeeze every last little bit of editorial space out of a page) were just too much for the OCR software and all I got was heiroglyphics. And as for retyping it in its entirety, my hunt, peck and dammit abilities are only marginally faster than chiselling in granite and nowhere near as forgiving. Two full pages of text. Shoot, I just remember I promised my buddies I’d play Campaign for North Africa.

A while ago, some of you may remember that I offered to part with a few good games in exchange for reviews. I sent out a dozen games, some as long ago as November 1999. It was very distressing to discover that about half of the recipients appeared to have no intention of staying in contact and writing reviews. It may be time for a fatwah. Issue 10 (the special issue highlighting Simulation Canada’s games for those of you who just got back from hitchhiking around the galaxy) is done, yet I still feel like I’ve recently been run over by a train. I learned a lot in three months, such as, don’t try to learn it all in three months. A special issue is so much more complex -- if an article is behind schedule, you can’t just delay it to the next issue and print something else instead. Oh no. That would be too easy. And besides, people would grumble and, worse, whine. When you get run over by a train, it’s not the caboose that kills you.

Speaking of special profile issues, it is clear that the Editorial Board is agreed that the suggestion for a new special profile issue is an excellent plan, in principle. But in view of the doubts being expressed, it was decided to record that, after careful consideration, the considered view of the Editorial Board was that while they considered the proposal met with broad approval in principle, it was felt that some of the principles were sufficiently fundamental in principle, and some of the considerations so complex and finely balanced in practice that in principle it was proposed that the sensible and prudent practice would be to subject the proposal to more detailed consideration with and across the relevant departments with a view to preparing and proposing a more thorough and wide-ranging proposal, laying stress on the less controversial elements and giving of the new proposal with existing principles, to be presented for consideration and public discussion on some more propitious occasion when the climate of opinion is deemed to be more amenable for consideration of the approach and the principle of the principal arguments which the proposal proposes and propounds for approval. (Thanks to Sir Humphrey Appleby of Yes, Minister for this wonderful and very appropriate bit of bafflegab and gobbledygook.)

Oh, and before I forget, I suppose I should say something about the Final Issue notice on the cover.

April Fools.

Alea iacta est.