Snap into a slim-jim!

--"The Macho-Man" Randy Savage

A man that has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.

- Carl Gustav Jung

So. You kids want to hear about the time I went into that dreaded Tomb of Horrors. We'll I've got a story that'll wet your pants... you're wearing pants, right?

[Insert sounds of lightning in the distance and rain hitting against the windows.]

It all started one day when the cast of AEG were discussing a long time favorite adventure - The Tomb of Horrors. It had been theorized by Jed, Clyde, and the rest of the staff that it was THE best adventure ever. Discussions began about the specific traps and setbacks that made the dungeon so "great". After holding my ears for several minutes, and whirling around the room screeching incoherent gibberish, it became obvious that I had not played in the adventure and that my gaming experience would be ruined if the conversation continued [as it stood the entire adventure was almost ruined for me when someone mentioned the fake Lich - oops.]

So, I was telling you about the Tomb of Horrors, as it were. The Horror of all Horrors; the adventure that put hair on the lips of all PCs (male and female alike) that ever ventured into its sacred domain; the adventure that made me swear off AD&D forever.

Seven hours into this stupid rocket ride and I wanted to puke. Let's talk about how great this thing really is.

If you loved this adventure than you must have been the GM. If you played in this adventure, than raise arms with me against this travesty of "adventure". Now, I'm the last guy in the world that would tell you how to play and what to do in an adventure... but as an old, bitter man, there are certain things I don't want to see in my dungeon crawling experience.

drum roll

The scene is set.

Wait. Don't read further unless you've played. I'd hate to ruin it for you (if that's possible).

A 13th level Mage - a nice old man of 55 years played by me.

A 14th level Thief - an elf, 135 years old (but you'd never know it).

A 12th level Paladin - angry and stout, and as dumb as they come - about to reach 50 years of age.

The temple lies beneath a mound of dirt some 80 feet high. One Dig spell later and we're inside looking at three passage ways stretching into the tomb of the most dastardly trickster ever. Hallway one and three were later found to have devastating traps... but they were avoiding as everyone always picks the middle in the shell game. Onward we travelled into the dungeon, I with my host of Abjuration spells that last two days when cast...

. Trap, trap, trap. All avoided. However, an invisible bar and a twist by a paladin leads to the piercing landing of armor against spikes some 30 feet below. The first damage received. Finding our way along the floor we find a red herring scrawled along the floor written for us to decipher and figure as a hopeful clue (ha - not likely). So it went for seven hours.

We eventually ended up naked.

Now imagine this scene.

A 55 year old man, naked. A wizard. A wizard that probably never lifted a weight in his life, and that last stood in the sun when he was 14. Now imagine this mage crawling through 3' by 3' corridors ahead of you [insert graphic description of the unholy sight]!

Now imagine this, again and again as we were teleported from room to room, and through trap to trap. This was an afternoon to remember. There were no NPCs to encounter (thus severely limiting the skills of our dramatic GM, Dave), no monsters to fight, no causes to right, and no reason to be there. At any time we could have walked home naked and said "up yours" [which we ended up doing]. But something very important struck me about this adventure. It is printed on the cover - six to eight and half characters levels 87 through 25, yet no where in the adventure did I see the need for anything above a 3rd level thief. If you have a magic item, soon you won't; if you need to cast a spell on anything it will prove a useless venture; if you are waiting to use your vorpal blade against some undead beast, forget it the stupid lich you find is fake and you have to go back in again to find the real one and then fight it; and if you ever need to pick a lock, or find a trap with your thieving skills, don't worry the trap will find you. [I hope I've ruined this adventure for a lot of you.]

Many people have lamented to me at how much fun this adventure is... for who? The sick, twisted, maniacal, control-freak GMs that made this little thing so popular need to meet me out back behind the AEG offices so I can show them a good adventure.

Once again, I've taken my page to complain about a Gygax dungeon and I don't want you to get the idea that I have anything against him. I don't. His books and tips have given a lot of us something to chew on and I hope that the upcoming column in SHADIS called "GM Tool Shed" proves to be a better appraisal of what D&D has provided us than this little column has ever done.

That's it, go back to your homes and play something fun, like the giant series or the demonweb pits. The A series was pretty good, and the Temple of Elemental Evil kept us entertained for months. And if someone offers you and opportunity to risk life and limb in the most trap intensive dungeon ever made, tell them you've played Arduin.