I think bloodshed is still the way to get dramatic change. That'll never happen because they've got all the guns now. At least they've got the nice guns, the big ones with night vision.

-- George Carlin

Thane is dead. Revel in the destruction of Iuz! Greyhawk has been saved! Praise this young Paladin for giving his life, so that a kingdom may live! Come. Let us erect monuments in his honor; retain bards to sing of his Valor; order scribes to record his deeds; inspire poets to write his tale; and consul priests and young heroes grief stricken over his demise!

At least that's how I wish it had gone down.

Those of you that read Issue 48 may recall my story of the Temple of Elemental Evil - a riveting tale of the grandeur that older scenarios provided for players. You may remember an eloquent treatment that discussed the great artistry of gaming and those noble predecessors to our modern intellectual hobby? No?

You're right. There was no grandeur. Mostly, I whined about the silliness of diagonal walls. If you missed it, don't worry; this editorial isn't that bright anyway, so it won't be hard to follow.

As I was saying, Thane is dead. With his death, we learned a lot about Dungeon Crawls. The impression I get when I read one of these Mega-Dungeons is that some designer wanted to say, "It's you vs. my new dungeon, kid! Think you've got what it takes? I'll tell you what! If you can beat this dungeon, I'll buy you an ice cream and I'll throw in a god of your choice as a henchman. How about it?"

Somewhere (in a magical fairy land), bad DMs give out +4 swords with every dead ork, and rods of might may be purchased at roadside inns. These DMs get scared when their PCs are too powerful (duh!), so they usually developed cheesy instant death traps, and cursed magic items - perhaps one that would make the PC yearn for a giant drink of water?

I never understood why so much power would be handed out in the first place, but whatever. When players have amassed too much power, the need to take it away becomes equally important. I seem to remember an old module where this great comet was coming to destroy the planet. In order to avert its course, ALL of the magic items on earth needed to be destroyed. You could just hand out erasers...

[Meanwhile, back at the temple]

To make our own story of TOEE unique, we decide to do things a little differently. First off, we added Storypath cards. If you haven't used these yet, I highly recommend their application in your games. They added a really neat dimension that would have been lacking otherwise. It took approximately 4 months, playing once a week, to finish this adventure.

We enjoyed a lot about this adventure (despite previous accounts to the contrary), and often role-playing took precedence over creeping through the dungeon corridors. Two characters and two ork NPCs voyaged into this thing, and according to my estimates, about 7 or 8 months of these characters' lives were lost trying to destroy the temple and it's source of power. Let us not forget that the published timeline on this module required us to be done in only five months. Doh!

In spite of it all, we finished, with a only a few setbacks (and one or two rewrites of AD&D physics). So, I've complied a list of warnings when entering any Temple with the word Evil in its title.

• When roleplaying a linear character development arc (i.e. foul-tempered fallen paladin searching for inner strength and purity in order to re-attain his faith in the face of an overpowering evil), do not expect your subplot to peak when your character reaches the final level of dungeon. Some styles of play may not "fit" with the author's preconceived notions of "adventure". Something significant will always happen when you reach the last level anyway, thus extending your tour of duty and seriously jeoparizing your plans.
• Do not get involved with the personal lives of the NPCs. Interacting with the owners of any farmland in the surrounding area will add duration to your stay and will seriously complicate the lives of your heroes. And who needs complicated heroes?
• Wishing for someone to be "blessed" with a giant family would normally ruin their day. Rings bestowing (delusionary) wishes should be ignored and then quickly thrown into a raging river. Resume play as if nothing happened and never speak of it again.
• Do not try to destroy every evil thing. Some of them are more powerful than you, and will continue to kick your ass, even with only 4 hit points left [Mike].
• Do not feed the talking sword.
• Looting is never an option and very little furniture is cursed.
• Going to new planes of existence (fire, earth, etc.) sucks and should be avoided at all costs.
• Rescuing a prince makes you look good and earns you many merit badges. It also results in the death of 100+ soldiers and one of his paladins. Do not leave these men alone. When you return, there will be a pile of slag. That aching sensation in your stomach should not be ignored. This feeling is called guilt.
• Do not fall in love with your partner, no matter how cool he or she is. It will result in the following: three attempts at suicide, one murder attempt, two fist fights, and the loss of a hand that quickly reappears from nowhere. Aaaahhhhh!
• Tying a knot into a bag of holding and then lopping off the top is not how you go about saving the universe. Don't try it twice.
• Werewolves and talking mirrors are stupid, cheap parlor tricks!
• Locking oneself into a Magical Chest is great fun and should be practiced frequently before showing it off at parties.
• Detecting evil in the Temple of Elemental Evil results in serious headaches, nosebleeds, and bouts of nausea. PCs engaging in such activity should he spanked.

Oh yeah. The Tomb of Horrors wanks and you'll have to wait until Issue #52 to find out why...