by Aldo Ghiozzi and Matt Stipicevich
Published by Wingnut Games
45 Pages

I was surfing the net the other day when I ran across a forum post bemoaning the downfall of Car Wars. According to the saddened author, Car Wars had been one of his favorite games until supplement after supplement made it bog down in rules. (I disagree, but that's not important.) To this person and to all those who feel that their informal table-top games are getting too complex, may I suggest a round or two of Battle Cattle. Wingnut games has produced a game of heavily armed mayhem, in the proud tradition of Save Ollie North and The Hunt.

The book itself is a little pamphlet-sized thing, containing all the-rules necessary, some that are not, and far far too many bad cow puns. The game doesn't include six-sided dice, counters, or a playing surface, and players will need to provide their own. Personally, I boogied down to the local grocery store for a pack of plastic farm animals, then tricked them out with some spare figure parts from my bit box. But anything will work as long as it can be used to represent a cow.

The game is based around pseudo-silly bovine combat, as enhanced cows battle each other for supremacy. Each player is allotted a budget with which to purchase a cow and equip it for battle. Different cattle types range from the lighter Texas Longhorn all the way up to the massive Australian Charbray (capable of carrying 3000 pounds of large caliber brutality). All Battle Cattle are then tatted with a harness --light to extra heavy -- on which is mounted with death dealing weapons and other nifty stuff.

The weapons selection is pretty straightforward: Car Wars enthusiasts will feel right at home. Everything from the ol' reliable machine gun to the heavy laser (barbecue, anyone?) is available for mounting on your Bovine of the Apocalypse. Once weapons are chosen, it's time for armor and accessories. The accessories are particularly for bionic legs, serrated horns, methane generator implants, spiked hooves, the laser-tail, it's all here.

Once the Cattle are purchased and equipped it's off to the arena, where the real fun begins. The game gives rules for several types of playing surfaces and ways to move thereon: hex maps, grid maps, or any flat surface with a ruler. Any way you do it, movement is measured in inches, with a single cow taking up a single one inch square or hex. Range bands for the weapons are all the same -- point-blank, short, medium, long, and home on the range (the Hail Mary distance that includes one of those puns we mentioned).

Combat is super-simple, and this is where the game really shines. Computing hits and damage totals is easy, revolving around the generous application of six-sided dice, but that's not the good part. Tripping and trampling (knocking your opponents over and dancing the watutsi on them) are where it's at. Additionally, most weapons have "tip numbers," which are rolled to try and bowl your opponents over when you shoot them. Damage is a snap: simple enough ro work easily but encompassing enough variety (and more of those puns) to foot the bill for any of your bovine gladiators' weapons of doom.

The game also provides some campaign-style rules in the back, covering healing and repair between battles, upgrades in equipment, and salvage of damaged Cattle. If you want a character oriented game, these rules will work fine.

Altogether, Battle Cattle is a great break from the-usual-game sort of thing. The book suffers from a couple of organizational problems (ex: all the weapon charts are in the back of the book removed from the actual descriptions) and a typo or two, but they're fairly innocuous. Violence and mayhem on the dairy pasture may seem a little odd, but what else do you expect from the people who brought you Phart: the Dispersing? Lock and load, and enjoy the ride.