A Paranoia ... uh ... Thing

Based on the Paranoia and TORG RPGs published by West End Games

Her narrow face lit by the blue light of the video screens, Lia-B-LTY turned a dial, flipping from one surveillance camera to another. She'd patched into the security system in the warehouse, and each camera showed nothing but another view of the empty warehouse: shelves upon shelves of powders, pills, and syrups kept in drums, bins, and jugs. In this warehouse were stored the hopes, dreams, and good times of the citizens of Alpha Complex, all in the form of easily consumable meds. In the forgotten maintenance area behind the warehouse, Lia had found a perfect place for her illicit experiments.

Satisfied that the Computer had not detected her, and that no Troubleshooters were on their way to fill her body with little holes, she turned the dial and brought back the image that really mattered to her. On the screen, colorful little lizards cavorted in the luscious, misty undergrowth of some distant rain forest. As a member of the Sierra Club, she'd heard and read about these creatures for years. The machinery she used to find them was a little beyond her understanding, so she wasn't sure what part of the world she was looking at, but all that mattered to her is that she'd found them.

"I knew they still existed," thought Lia. "And if they come through all right, then soon we will be able to go there! We'll be able to get Outside in an instant. And once I get one of those cute little iguanas, I'll be the star of the Sierra Club."

Lia flipped the switch on the Transporter, and it hummed to life. Two upright metal poles vibrated and glowed, and in the large space between them, the air grew hazy, like a video screen fading out. The large mass of wires and gauges and tubes that composed the heart of the Transporter shook arrhythmically. Lia crossed her fingers for good luck. She hadn't been able to force the secrets of the Transporter out of Oppen-IMER before she'd killed him, but she was pretty sure she knew how to work the thing. And she was sure that she deserved to use the device more than he. Oppen would probably have used it to get to work on time; Lia had greater plans.

Lia looked back at the lizards in the undergrowth. She selected a playful iguana cavorting among the miniature ferns. By manipulating a few dials under the screen, she caused cross hairs to fix on it, and then she pushed the blue button. Holding her breath and folding her hands in front of her, she turned to the side, waiting for the little lizard to appear between the two glowing poles.

The thing from the screen appeared, and Lia turned white. She looked back at the video screen, where the other creatures were looking about for their vanished fellow. "Could those miniature ferns actually be fern trees?" thought Lia. "Could the little lizard on the screen really be... that!"

"I don't believe I've eaten one of your kind before," said the fifteen meter long carnosaur, hunched over and pressed against the ceiling. Of course, to human ears, it sounded more like "RAAR-ARGH!!"

Lia had intended to use the escape hatch in case Troubleshooters came looking for her, but it proved just as handy for escaping a dinosaur. As she was crawling through an air duct under the meds warehouse and back toward her laboratory in R&D, she asked herself whether she had shut the Transporter down. The sound of metal ripping interrupted her thoughts, and the air duct vibrated. The thing was finding its own way out of the maintenance room. Lia decided it would be better not to think about whether the Transporter was on. Instead, she popped a Blissful Ignorance med and crawled on.

Harvey-R-ABT-2 walked quietly through the dense fog. A strange smell hit his nose, but before he could identify it, he heard footsteps. He spun and fired, his laser drawing a red beam through the mist. He heard boxes being knocked over and the patter of pills falling to the concrete floor, and then a red beam swept through the mist at him. Harvey dived for cover behind a dark shadow that looked like a forklift and landed in a pile of. something warm and squishy.

It smelled like Hero's High- Energy Breakfast, but he gritted his teeth and stayed where he had cover. He aimed over the forklift and fired a few more times in the direction of his unseen enemy and then flipped on his hand com. "Annie! Annie! I've found them and I think I've got them pinned. Get over here!"

Through the fog, Harvey could see more flashes of red laser coming his way, and above his head he heard the sizzle as the beam burned into the shelves. Annie's voice came over the com. "I'm heavily engaged with another group of traitors. I think I hit one or two. You get over here."

Harvey considered the options: hustle over to Annie and risk being shot down by a traitor's laser, or hold his position in a pile of Hero's High,Energy Breakfast. No, actually it smelled worse than that. More like Tasty Mushy Surprise.

"I'm on my way, " he said into his com. "Fire lip at the ceiling so I can see where you are."

"OK," said Annie, and a beam of red shot tip through the fog. It was coming from the spot from which the traitors had been firing at Harvey.

"Hold your fire until I get there, so you don't hit me," said Harvey.

"OK," said Annie, "but I'm firing back if they fire at me."

"OK," said Harvey.

Harvey put the hand comn back on his belt and backed up. He circled around, feeling his way through the fog. The fluorescent lights on the ceiling barely illuminated the ground; it just made the mist seem to glow. When Harvey found Annie prone behind an overturned bin of Working Late pills, he said, "Any more action?"

"Not here," she said. "How many do you think you got?"

"Winged two or three, and drove, off maybe another three," he said casually. He kneeled beside Annie, pulled a bandage from the first aid kit on his belt and began to wipe the Tasty Mushy off his arms and chest.

"About the same here," replied Annie, sitting tip and turning to face him. "This crazy fog threw off my aim, and I had to go completely by sound, so I only got a couple, and no disabling shots. They all ran away, of course."

"Going up against a terror like you? I'm not surprised! Do you suppose they were the ones that got Harvey- 1 and Annie, P"

"Most likely. Say, what is that stuff on you? It smells like Zippy Greenish Noodles."

"More like Tasty Mushy Surprise. Here, take a whiff." Harvey held out the bandage, and Annie leaned forward, holding her hair back with. one hand to keep it from falling into whatever was assaulting her nose and making her eyes water.

"Whew! It's Tasty Mushy, all right. Where did you... run into it? I mean, what's cafeteria food doing in a med warehouse?"

"My question exactly. Let's check it out," said Harvey, dropping the soiled bandage into a plastic bag. "Maybe it's a clue." He dropped the bag into a pouch on his utility belt and then led Annie back around to the forklift. The shelves and bins of powders, pills, boxes, and crates bore numerous laser burn marks.

"Good thing those traitors were such lousy shots," said Annie. Harvey nodded enthusiastically.

Near the forklift sat a large pile of stuff. Annie got out her flashlight and examined it, a brownish blob about a meter and a half across. In the center was a deep depression where Harvey had landed.

"We need a positive ID." said Annie. "It looks and smells like Tasty Mushy. What's its texture like?"

"Feels a lot like Tasty Mushy, except why is it warm?"

"Taste it," said Annie.

"Wha...? Taste that? I'm team leader. You taste it!!"

Annie lowered her voice and said, "Harvey, next time you sneak off behind the Triple-Vid Center, watch your back a little More carefully." She watched as Harvey's jowly face went stack, his eyes pointed up to one side, and then, when he remembered sharing a carrot with other Sierra Club members behind the Triple-Vid Center the other night, his color drained. He looked back at Annie. "You saw that?" he asked.

"Taste it," she said.

Harvey haltingly put his finger to his mouth, then fell to his knees and retched.

"Tasty Mushy Surprise, all right," said Annie. "This has got to be a clue to Harvey- I and Annie-I's disappearance. Let's get---"

"Shhh!" said Harvey, and then he whispered, "What's that?" A soft scraping and shuffling sound was coming from behind them. They turned and crouched, lasers out and ready to fire. Out of the mist stepped a line of people wearing strange, scaly outfits with long masks. Each carried a long thin tube, or maybe they were lengths of pipe.

"My greetings to you, o smooth skins," one cif them said "We are warriors of Lanala and we bring the Way of Life to you. If you choose to oppose us, we eagerly anticipate the intense feelings of combat. If..."

Harvey and Annie looked at each other, shrugged, and aimed their laser pistols.

"...you embrace the Life in Lanala,

zapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzap zapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzapzap

The line of greenish creatures fell into a writhing mass of kicking feet, curling tails, grasping claws, and thrashing spears. A babble of exclamations poured forth. "Yow ow ow! Intense!" "Oh yeah!" "Right in the face! I'm in pain!" "Do it again! Do it again!" "Wow! This is better than coals between the toes!"

Annie looked over at Harvey while she detached something from her belt. "If they liked that," she said, "they'll love this." She pulled the pin and tossed the grenade into the mass of squirming lizard creatures. Annie fell flat on the floor, and Harvey followed her example.

The greenish traitors were still babbling. "Intense! Intense!" "Never felt anything like this before." "Ow ow ow ow." "Blew my hand clean off!" "Hey, what's this thing?"

KA-BOOM!

Annie and Harvey didn't find much evidence on the traitors. When Annie found she Couldn't pry their masks off, she said, "Why do you suppose these weirdos would glue themselves into their costumes?"

Harvey didn't say anything, but he knew the answer. He recognized geckos when he saw them. Still, he wondered why the Old Reckoning books hadn't mentioned geckos' ability to speak, or their masochistic tendencies.

Harvey eyed the spears the geckos had been using. They were made out of plant, and he thought about how good one would taste. "Better take one of these back to HQ," he said, picking up the least damaged spear. His stomach grumbled.

Harvey and Annie headed back toward the entrance to the warehouse, through the maze of bins, crates, and shelves. The mist blocked the light so badly now that Annie pulled out her flashlight to help them find their way. Strange noises came out of the mist from all directions, but liberal application of laser blasts deterred anything from approaching them. As they walked on, a familiar odor came through the fog. The trudged on and found another large pile of brown mess.

"Look, more Tasty Mushy Surprise!" said Harvey. The glint of metal caught the light from Annie's flashlight. "There, what's that?"

Harvey used the spear to fish a dented, bent up laser pistol out of the Tasty Mushy. He saw the notches cut in the handle of the pistol, one for every time Harvey-1 had been shot at and not killed.

" It's Harvey-Is," said Harvey, his throat tightening, "Looks like we found him" He remembered the endless, joyful hours of playing "Guess Who" with Harvey-I and the other four Harveys. The game would never be the same without Harvey-I. "Who could do this to someone?" said Harvey, his voice tense. "I mean, drowning a man in Tasty Mushy - the horror."

The carnol standing behind them and drooling said, "Didn't I eat the two of you yesterday?" Of course, to human ears it sounded more like "RE-ARRRG!" Harvey and Annie spun around, pistols pointing up at the noise. Out of the mist loomed a gigantic, two- legged creature with rows of giant, needle- sharp teeth.

"A death bot!" screamed Annie, whose vocabulary did not include the word "animal." She continued her spin the other 180 degrees and put into practice a technique that they'd never taught her in Troubleshooting Academy: running like hell.

"An iguana!" yelled Harvey, delighted. He'd seen pictures of these things in the old books, and he knew they were harmless unless attacked. "Oh joy, oh joy, a real live iguana!" he thought. In a flash, he realized he'd finally be able to figure out what a stupid "inch" was.

The books said iguanas could reach 70 "inches" in length, but no one knew what an "inch" was. Now, using this iguana as a standard, he'd finally be able to figure it out! From the tip of the toothy snout to the tip of its spiked tail, this thing was about 15 meters, 15 meters is 70 inches, so one "inch" had to be about...

CHOMP!

Annie-2 heard crunching and munching behind her in the mist. She pointed her laser backward, upside down over shoulder so she wouldn't have to turn around, and fired.

zap .. beep! beep! beep!

The pistol was malfunctioning, and Annie let it drop. At an intersection of aisles between endless shelves, Annie stopped, panting, trying to get her bearings. She was sure she'd been here before, and she began to worry that she was hopelessly lost.

Suddenly one of those costumed traitors came charging out of the mist ahead of her Annie darted down a corridor between high shelves of metal bins on either side. She was ten meters down the aisle when she saw a wall ahead - dead end. She turned and saw the traitor still charging, his stick in his hands. Annie took the only escape route left; she dropped her flashlight and started climbing. At the top of the shelves were rows of large, open, metal bins. Annie pulled herself into the first bin, and her hands and knees sank in with a rustling sound. Meds.

Squinting in the dark, she could see the familiar red lozenge shapes of Lifties. Briefly she remembered the time she'd made the mistake of taking six Lifties at once, the time that she had found herself spinning through a huge void where she'd traded unintelligible but exceedingly funny jokes with the Computer for an eternity or two. The scrabbling sound of claws on metal pulled her from the memory.

The pointed stick of her pursuer appeared over the edge of a bin two meters away, then his masked head, then the rest of him. Annie tried to stand up, but the pills shifted underneath her and kept her from getting her footing.

"In the name of Lanala, the Liver of Life," the thing hissed, raising its stick threateningly, "I skewer you, foul user of dead things. Hah ha ha ha - GULP!" Annie had thrown her only available weapon at the laughing creature, a handful of Lifties, and he'd swallowed the ones that had hit his mouth.

"Your puny pebbles bounce off my mighty scales! I revel in my victory and call out to my siblings in triumph. Hah ha ha ha - GULP!" Another handful of Lifties. "Stop that, smooth-skin. Can't you see that I'm reveling! Have you no respect for revelry? Why, I should skewer you... and stop squirming around like that!" Annie smiled; she wasn't moving. "Why, I'll say," said the traitor, wavering back and forth, "this is one of the more intense revelries I've ever reveled." The traitor tittered and put one hand on the top of his skull, as if making sure it was still there.

"Like it?" asked Annie. She gestured at the endless supply of Lifties and said, "Help yourself." The traitor dropped to all fours and began scooping up the Lifties in its beaky mouth.

Twenty minutes later, when Annie dragged the drooling, moaning, blank-eyed traitor into HQ, her superior Pedro-i-MEX-I asked, "What with this thing?"

"It's having an intense experience," said Annie-R-FUN-2.

"Computer? It's Pedro,V-MEX-1, reporting as you requested."

VERY GOOD, PEDRO-V. I TRUST YOU FIND YOUR NEW QUARTERS IN THE VIOLET SECTOR TO BE SATISFACTORY.

"Very satisfactory, Computer! I am greatly honored by the promotion!" ("Though I wish they'd cleared out the corpse of my ex-boss before I got there," thought Pedro.)

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE DISTURBRNCES IN THE MED DISTRIBUTION FACILITIES IN J SECTOR?

"Yes, Computer, I have, and I am, of course, very worried." ("Very worried that I'm going to get thrown into the mess," thought Pedro.)

VERY GOOD. YOUR PREVIOUS SUPERIOR SEEMED UNABLE TO HANDLE THE PROBLEM. THAT'S WHY I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO GET SOME NEW BLOOD, A FRESH START ON THE PROBLEM. I TRUST YOU WILL BE BETTER THAN HE WAS.

"Certainly, Computer. I know a talented scientist in Research and Development who is already working on the problem." ("And maybe I can arrange for her to take the heat when things go wrong," thought Pedro.)

VERY GOOD, PEDRO. REPORT BACK WHEN YOU HAVE DEVELOPED A WAY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM.

On the door hung a sign saying "Food Additive Testing Volunteers Needed! Walk Right In!"

Lia-B,LTY-1 always put that sign on her R&D laboratory when she needed some privacy, and the project she was working on for Pedro-V was just the kind of thing that could get her up to Indigo clearance, so she didn't want any interference.

Inside, Lia and Pedro were sitting in front of a large video screen. To one side was a shiny new Transporter, Lia's latest "invention."

"There, do you see him?" said Lia. "He just killed that dinosaur with a pointed piece of metal." Lia adjusted dials under the screen and the image came into sharper focus. PedroV saw a man, or what looked like a man, standing by a giant, scaled, winged lizard. The creature looked something like the dinosaurs that were tearing up J Sector. Reports said they were shrugging off lasers and grenades, ripping through metal walls like they were paper, crushing combat bots underfoot, and gobbling up Pedro's best men. If Lia's plans to deal with the dinosaurs didn't come through, Pedro didn't know what he would do, other than turn in a combination resignation and last will and testament, in sextuplicate for him and his clones. He pushed the thought of that particular piece of paperwork out of his head and looked back at the video screen.

A flat length of metal stuck out of the creature's head. The man, or man-like thing, had one foot on the dinosaur's head and was trying to pull the metal weapon out of its head. The slayer had two curving horns on his head and some kind of reddish veil over his cheeks and mouth. As the picture came into righter focus, however, Pedro saw that it was indeed a man. The horns were part of a helmet, and the veil was actually curly hair. He wore a scaly, sleeveless shirt, and legs and bare arms bulged dramatically.

"That hair on his face, and those bulges," said Pedro. "He hardly looks human. A mutant of some kind?"

"Yes, those bulges, mmm," replied Lia, licking her lips and staring glassy-eyed at the screen.

"So, Lia, are we ... Lia. Hey, I'm talking to you! "

"Wha-? Oh, yes? What were you saying?" she said dreamily.

Pedro sighed and said, "Does this man come from the same part of the world as the dinosaurs?"

"Oh, no. This is a different part of the world. You know, I still don't have much control over where the Transporter scans, and I'm not sure where any of this is taking place. But I can tell you that know how to deal with dinosaurs there. I've been watching them, and they seem to be quite adept at dispatching the pests. Pedro looked back at the bulgy man and the fallen beast. The man was still trying to pull the sword out of the creature's skull. "Do you think you can call him and some of his fellows here? Do you think it would be a good idea?"

"Oh yes," said Lia, looking back at the screen intently as the man's muscles tensed and relaxed rhythmically. "I think it would be a very good idea."

The hero on the video screen rested a moment and casualty scratched his furry loincloth.

"Do it," said Pedro. "Bring a few of their warriors here, and we'll let them deal with the dinosaurs."

"An excellent idea, Pedro," said Lia. "I'll start with this fellow."

As the Transporter came to life, Pedro called in a security detail. Better safe than sorry. When the security officers were ready, Lia flipped the "two-way video" switch.

"Hello, mighty Troubleshooter," she said.

Derg the Viking heard the disembodied, female voice, and looked around. Up in the air was the image of a woman like he had never seen before. She had clear skin, without pimples, scars, pox pits, or wrinkles. Her blond hair was... shiny. It had been washed!

"I have come to offer you a deal, mighty Troubleshooter," said the floating face, and then it smiled. Derg was stunned. She had all her teeth. It could only be Lady Ardinay herself, reasoned Derg. He shifted to the left in a futile attempt to block the Lady's view of the dragon. It had been one of the nicer dragons in Aysle, and Lady Ardinay was no longer as gung ho about killing things as she had once been.

"I Derg!" said Derg, pounding a fist resoundingly against his chest so that the scales of his armor rattled. "What you want from Derg?"

"Derg, I need you to kill some dinosaurs for me," said the woman. "Do you think You can do it?" Derg had no idea what a "die-no-sore" was, but he had no doubt that he could kill them. He was also delighted to see that Lady Ardinay was back to her old self, soliciting hired swords for hits.

"Derg can do it!" he said, beaming. "What you give Derg?"

The magical vision looked off to one side and moved her lips, as if talking to an invisible companion, and then turned back to Derg. "If you help us, Derg, you will be a hero of Alpha Complex, and all the rewards of heroism will be yours!"

Derg didn't know what all that meant, but if he asked for an explanation, Lady Ardinay might think he was dumb. He knew that doing hits for Lady Ardinay always used to entail big rewards, and he had a big reward in mind that he intended to offer her, so he replied, "Derg say 'yes'!"

With that, the magical, floating image wavered and disappeared. Derg looked around, expectantly, and then ran over to the dragon's head and, with renewed determination, yanked his sword out. Suddenly the world went hazy. "Ooh," said Derg, holding his head, "this like when Derg drink Dwarven thunder boulder ale." The next thing Derg knew, he was standing tinder the glaring light of a strange room, with a dozen scrawny people standing around him.

Derg looked at the assembled crew. The women, all the women, had washed their hair within the past few days. They all had perfect skin. Lady Ardinay was here, and she wore a skirt. She had shaved legs! Derg thought (if that action could be attributed to Derg) that he would like it here in the palace of Lady Ardinay. The men, all the men, had hollow chests, peasant clothes, and the shaved faces of slaves. Derg's smile widened He would definitely like it here.

"Where die-no-things? Derg kill! Then Derg take his prize!" He managed a toothy grimace and leered at Lady Ardinay.

A handful of the peasants led him to J, Sector.

"Computer. It is Pedro-V-MEX-1 reporting."

YES, PEDRO-V-MEX-I?

"We've secured a number of warriors from Outside, and they have been assigned to the various dinosaurs that have invaded JSection. Once they have eliminated the dinosaurs, we shall integrate them as loyal citizens into Alpha Complex."

EXCELLENT, PEDRO. KEEP ME INFORMED.

As he walked toward the deserted cafeteria, Will-O-WSP looked back to be sure that the two "specialists" were keeping Lip with him. The normal-size one, Sir Nood, looked like a hot, completely covered in reflective, silvery armor. The clank of his footsteps reverberated down the hall. Could he be an honorary hot? Like a hot, he didn't have a clearance color.

The short one was called Culpa. He was really short; must have been Pulled out of the vats too early. He wore blue, but his loose clothes didn't seem like any official uniform that a Blue-clearance officer or Troubleshooter would wear. And even thought he was a Blue, lie seemed to take orders from the tall one.

Both their weapons were cleverly disguised as long, flat strips of metal. Will didn't like having them, or anyone else he didn't understand, walk behind him.

Both of them came from some place called "L." When he'd asked why they didn't have a triple-letter address, Pedro-V had said that the answer to that was classified. Fine. All the more reason not to trust them. And these two were specialists in dealing with "dragons."

"What are 'dragons'?" Will had asked. "I'm sorry, but that information is not available at this time," Pedro had said.

Will came to the side entrance of the cafeteria foyer and waved his hand over the entrance pad. The door hissed open, and he stood to one side, pointing into the foyer.

"Sir Nood-L, Culpa-B-L, the 'dragon' is in here. This is the foyer, and the large doors to the left lead to the cafeteria. The 'dragon' tore through the rear and apparently ate from some of the food vats. My superiors suggest you deal with it before it recovers."

Sir Nood and Culpa walked gingerly into the foyer. Culpa whistled and Sir Nood nodded his head agreeably as they looked around. This was their typical behavior when they tried to seem relaxed in the face of danger.

Behind them, Will said, "I must report back now. Good luck to you. This area has been evacuated, so don't worry about bystanders. just come back the way I showed you when you are done." The door slid shut, and Sir Nood and Culpa heard rapid footsteps fading quickly in the distance.

"Verily, Culpa, mine goode Dwarf," said Sr. Nood, lifting the visor of his helmet, "let us see anon this dragone that we are to slay."

Culpa crossed his arms, tapped one foot, and looked up at Sir Nood.

"Nood, you idiot, the next time you start talking to people floating in the air, and start bragging about staying the 'olde wynn of Anderghast,' I'm going to point out, rather loudly, just how old that old wyrm was!"

"Dost thou doubt mine veracitie or mine prowess with arms?" said Sir Nood, straightening his spine and lifting his shoulders proudly, his armor clattering.

Culpa stopped tapping his foot, glared a little harder. "I'm just saying that 'old' didn't begin to describe the wyrm of Anderghast. The 'arthritic wyrm of Andetghast,' or the 'geriatric wyrm of Andetghast,' or maybe the 'geezerly wyrra of Anderghast' would have been more accurate. The thing would have crawled into its own grave if it hadn't been too senile to find its way ou ' t of its lair."

"Aye, thou speakest ye truth, mine goode friende. Therefore have we to this place come, here to further our reputation as fierce and fearsome warriors."

"Here to see just what a dragon looks like... from the inside!"

"Thy mocking words bounce like feathers off ye impenetrable armor of mine honor. Let its look upon yon dragone and prepare us a plan for to slay it anon." Nood's helmet kept him from hearing Culpa. behind him, mumbling something about "ye impenetrable armor of thy brain."

Sir Nood strode to a door that led to the cafeteria. With his long sword upright before him, Sir Nood stood at the edge of the door. He had learned how these magic portals operate and he held his hand ready to pass over the dark design on the wall. "Art thou at ready, mine goode Culpa?" said Nood. Culpa, crouching behind Nood and peering around him, said, "Ready." The door hissed open.

"Dost thou see it, Culpa?" said Sir Nood, standing in the doorway and peering into the misty room. "Mayhap hath it heard our approach and fled in well-warranted fear."

Culpa gulped and pointed into the mist. "Mayhap it's that gigantic thing charging full speed at us out of the fog." Hunched over to keep from hitting its scaly head against the ceiling, smashing polystyrene tables underfoot, batting chairs and tables to either side with its spiked tail, the carnol bounded toward them. "The door!" screamed Culpa. "Close the door you idiot!"

"Forsooth, mine friende, thou hast indeed struck upon a most judicious stratagem," said Sir Nood, slamming his mailed fist against the red CLOSE button. The door slid slowly shut and closed a moment before the beast reached them. A disappointed roar shook the floor underneath Nood's and Culpa's feet.

"The dragon seems to have recovered rather nicely from its bout with food poisoning," said Culpa. He clambered onto a hollow metal box with a flapping lid on top and sat there.

"Aye," said Sir Nood, leaning against the wall. "Ye beaste hungers like unto a hounde ere ye hunte."

Culpa drew his sword and held it horizontally in front of him. He imagined plunging it all the way to the hilt into the dragon's side. He put his left hand against the blade where it met the hilt. That's where the surface of the-scales would be. He moved his hand slightly down the blade, away from the hilt. That's where the scales would end and the skin would begin. He moved his hand a litter farther. That's where the skin would end, and the muscle would begin. He moved his left hand as far as he thought the muscle would last, to see how much blade would reach to the vitals. Just past the back of his left hand glinted the very tip of the sword. Culpa sighed and looked over at Sir Nood. "Boss," he said. "You know those sick days that I've been saving up?"

Nood didn't respond. He was holding his thumb and forefinger apart, representing the length of the dragon's teeth. He held these fingers up to his arm, with the forefinger aligned with the top of the armor, and the thumb pointing into the center of his forearm. He repeated this maneuver on his legs, belly, chest, and head. The frown on his face drooped further each time.

As Nood was trying to figure out just how far those teeth would go through his helmet and skull, Culpa said, "CHOMP!" All the plates of Nood's armor clattered together and his visor fell down as he jumped two inches. Rather, he would have jumped two inches if he hadn't been wearing a hundred pounds of armor.

"Zounds! Mine heade"' Nood said, trying to massage the top of his skull through his helmet.

"Uh, Boss, said Culpa, kicking his feet up, "if we're really going to go through with this plan, I think it's time you knew the truth about my part in that mermaid affair. Remember that unfortunate incident back in Lower Brouggle?"

"Ye mermaid affaire?" said Nood, flipping his visor back tip.

"Bad news, dying with a guilty conscience," continued Culpa. "I figure I ought to tell you the truth before we go any further."

Sir Nood looked down, stroked his chin, and looked back up at Culpa. "Thou meanest that night when I... when she... when thou broughtest me ye drink... ?" said Nood He drew his sword. Culpa looked left (a distant door that led to unknown, labyrinthine corridors), right (the doors with the dragon behind them), behind him (a row of colorful boxes and mirrors against a wall, but no hiding places), and back to Nood. Nood was walking toward him, holding the hilt of the sword behind him in the air, and pointing the sword at Culpa's left eyeball.

With each step, Sir Nood remembered another detail of the mermaid affair, an evening that he had tried to shove out of his memory. "And when ye ponie entered ye room... remember what thou didst say... and dost thou remember ye bodie painte?! All cometh clear now."

"Look behind you, Boss!" shrieked Culpa, scrambling down the far side of his perch and backing up.

"Thou dost think I have ye brain of a turnip to fall for a simpleton's ruse," said Sir Nood, grimacing. "Thou hast used that trick on me too often."

"Fine," said Culpa, stopping, setting his fists on his hips, and smiling. "Don't look behind you. I'm sure you can hear whether there's anything behind you even though you've got ten pounds of low-test steel on your head."