Sometimes I get annoyed by people who take their games too seriously. People who get creamy over colorful many-sided dice. People who think that a new list of spells is better than Christmas. And especially annoying are those rules mechanics who never seem to let up and have any fun. I don't know what it is when I get around these people, but I want to mess with them. Ruin their day and make them cry. This might seem cruel, but I see myself doing these people a favor.

If I don't bring them back to planet Earth they could wind up wandering around in a zombie-like state, spittle dangling from their lips like Tom Hanks' deranged character in the movie Mazes & Monsters.

I like going to gaming conventions. They're cheap entertainment, and I meet some funny people, although none of them are cute girls. Unfortunately, these places are also a haven for the uptight nerds I've come to hate.

I recently went to a convention and decided to play Dungeons & Dragons, a game I hadn't played in years. Why? Call it a fit of whimsy. When I entered the hotel room and saw the Dungeon Master standing on a chair lecturing another player on the often-overlooked importance of weapon speed factors, I knew I had made a big mistake.

"I'm running an official Advanced Dungeons & Dragons game," he informed my fellow adventurers and I, "so this is going to be by the book. Or should I say books." He pointed to the huge stack of hardcover tomes before him. He had not prepared any characters, so I snagged some pseudo-marble dice from another player and rolled up a cleric - an ordinary 18 STR, 17 WIS kind of guy.

Then, I became paralyzed by the medieval K-Mart that is in the Player's Handbook when I tried to equip my character. I asked the DM if there were anything we couldn't purchase. "ANYTHING in the Player's Handbook is official!" he said ominously, the spiritual weight of E. Gary Gygax resting squarely on his shoulders.

I purchased some armor, a mace, the requisite 10' pole, and the balance in sheep. That big list of livestock just proved too tempting, and sheep were a bargain. I stipulated on my character sheet that the flock was the physical manifestation of my cleric's god, Mooooo, and that I was to defend them 'til the death. Before we started, the DM looked over my sheet and asked if this was what I really wanted to do. Oh yes, it was.

For some reason, everyone else was very annoyed by the introduction of Holy Sheep into the adventure. They didn't like underground passageways, and were pretty noisy. One ostensibly "good" character went as far as pushing an errant sheep off a cliff. As I raised the mighty scepter of Mooooo to slay the infidel, I realized there was a better way - I would defeat him with the very rules he venerates.

I demanded that the DM penalize the character for not acting according to his alignment. The DM chuckled, remarking he already had. Then I smote the heretic adding injury to insult. As tempers flared the game descended into a free-for-all: Magic Missiles let loose, Paladins battling Rangers, and half-orcs and elves holding hands. Meanwhile, the Acolyte of Mooooo stood back, petted the remainder of his holy sheep, and realized they were the best 10 gp he ever spent.

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