NOTE: We will be reprinting, thanks to Dick Bryant and the Courier, The Chronicles of Maximus Glutus articles from the early 70's! Written by Arnold J. Hendrick, these battles were always eagerly looked forward to by me and, to tell you the truth, were what initially sparked my interest in miniature ancients in the first place! See, Dick, this is all your fault.

These games were played using 3rd and 4th edition WRG rules and as Dick writes "...I no longer play ancients! After beating Phil Parker's Huns with my Egyptians in an early 6th edition game, I realized that I had not enjoyed the rules since 4th. What I read about the 7th may entice me to use either my Roman or Egyptian 25mm armies again, but the thought of rebasing and all the changes coming through sound like "Deja Vu." I am watching closely and may try again in the not too distant future."

Well... the least I can do for Dick Bryant is to encourage him to return to the fold. He got me started, and one good turn deserves another.... --T.L. Gore

The Chronicle of Maximus Gluteus

Book I: Maximus Glutus leads an expedition to the East

Cast: M. Glutus - Dick Bryant.
R. Gastritus - Dick Bagley
F. Hertnaphrocomedle - Arnold Hendrick
S. Maglo - Steve Manganiello

Beginnings

"In recognition of recent triumphs in the south and loyal military service to Rome., the Senate of the Roman People invests Maximus Pompopus Glutus with command of the expedition to the east. with powers extraordinary over all peoples and territories in the east for the duration of the campaign

With this commission, M. Glutus set sail eastward with the veteran VIII Legion. Spanish and Gallic mercenaries, and his intrepid if inexperienced subordinate Regurgito Gastritus (the Elder). Glutus stopped in Attica and Crete during the voyage, recruiting there mercenary archers. After various side trips and other adventures. he and his army landed at the mouth of the river Hermus, marched inland and invested the impregnable mountain fortress of Sardo. Glutus conducted the siege in a casual fashion, planning to starve the Sardian at the least, or preferably raise the ire of Quae. King Nees the XXVIII.

Quae, renowned for his timidity, did not respond until the winter. On a cold October after- noon he ordered the royal advisor Aye Zhade to hire a mercenary general. who could raise an army and defeat the perfidious invaders for him. After long consultations in local taverns, where some of the day's chill was removed, Zhade learned of Faggo Hermaphrocomedle. close relation to the famous Sexto Hermaphrocomedie, who had made the Pontic armies well neigh invincible.

After many talents in bribes, and other difficult quests. Zhade finally arranged a meeting with this great man on the sand bar of Gae. the only point of transit over the Vestite River. Faggo accepted the commission after driving a hard bargin, including not only a large sum of money and much power, but some special slaves as well. 

In actuality, Faggo was none other than a disguised Sexto himself, seeking employment. The reputation of Pontus was such that none dare attack it, and Sexto was finding his income less than the lifestyle he enjoyed. So Faggo-- Sexto--took the job and sent a trusted messenger to summon his loyal chief of staff Segus 'Spica' Maglo to join him, sure that the steppe lands were quiet.

Sardo and the River Hermes

Through the winter and Into the spring Faggo and Segus recruited troops, put the standing army into shops, and hired mercenaries. A naval program was contemplated, but discarded' temporarily as too expensive, time- consuming, and complex. Finally, Faggo was ready. He marched to Sardo with 5000 men. Although Gluteus had only 4000, the eastern superiority was largely illusion, since 2/5ths were fickle mercenaries or reluctant impressed levies, while of the remainder of the 4000 had the military discipline and experience of the legionaires.

Meanwhile. Gluteus had reduced the people of Sardo to eating the ivy off their buildings.and occasionally each other. Upon learning Faggo was on the march he offered the city the honors of war., which it eagerly accepted. Gluteus moved the survivors to a mountaintop "relocation camp" where their suffering was increased while Roman colonists were settled in the empty city. Gluteus admitted this device was not original with him, but straight out of the "Textbook of Boman Imperialism" volume II, book IX. In book X, he learned that the enemy should be defeated in battle and dutifully moved his army dawn the Hermus River toward the advancing Faggo.

The march along the river had given Faggo a cold. Unable to sleep. he assembled his best cavalry and stole a march on the enemy. Segas was entrusted with the Infantry, since he was in better health.

Gluteus assembled his men under the morning mists in an orthodox fashion. On the far left he personally led the heavy horse, standing along the riverbank Next were the Spanish Scutari with their javelins and long throwing spears. The center was held by the first four cohorts of the VIII with the fifth in reserve and the senior on the left (a departure from the norm). The far right was protected by the Gallic mercenary light horse, while the Greek mercenary archers stood in a long line before the legionaires. Unfortunately, Gluteus had not Judged the terrain carefully. While his heavy infantry stood on low rises of little military value, the light cavalry had to cope with very steep hill slopes. Furthermore. by staying with the heavy horse, the responsibility for the infantry fell upon his subordinate. Gastritus. who was not fully prepared for ft. Later, during a full Senate investigation of the campaign. It was argued Gluteus was not prepared for it either, but that is another question entirely.

As dawn's blood-red trickles seeped through the sky. Gluteus was horrified to see a great body of horsemen. including an array of scarlet-cloaked cataphracts.bearing down upon him under the black eagle of the hermaphrocomedle clan. Behind them were more of the light cavalry that always irked him, then hundreds and hundreds of archers. As this body moved forward. the glittering bronze and silver of a phalanx appeared behind them. Off to the far right, he caught a glimpse of some very wild and wooley Thracian mercenary peltasts disappearing into a forest. Gluteus hardly noticed some mercenary Colchis javelinmen behind the whole Infantry mass, in reserve. He was busy leading his cavalry over the river, to a location safe from a cataphract charge.

Seeing this, Faggo promptly led forward his cavalry at the gallop. The cataphracts, after a stiff fight, routed the Spaniards. With the flamboyant Faggo in the lead, they galloped off the battlefield in pursuit of the sad remnants. The light horse meanwhile frightened the archers serving the Romans, but when they took refuge behind the legionaires, the cavalry colonel wisely reined in his men, sent off a volley of javelins, and fell back. More light horse came up trying to prevent Gluteus from recrossing the river. The crafty Gluteus got-back by splashing over within supporting distance of his legionaries, but then proceeded to waste the advantage by attacking the light, horse without reforming. It was difficult to tell who got the worst. the badly ordered heavy horse or the weakly armed and unhappily positioned light horse. The situation for the easterners was improved by Faggo's disappearance. Old orders no sense and neither a counter-charge, a stand fast, or a retreat could rescue the delicate situation.

Meanwhile, Segus' vast array of levy archers was merrily shooting the gauls full of arrows. The unfortunate light cavalry. never expert at formation maneuver, much less riding up & down steep slopes, did even worse under heavy fire. Casualties eventually reached an astronomical  level. The mercenaries decided their pay was no longer enough, and fled. Fortunately, Gastritas had moved the archers to cover the gap.

Gluteus cut a poor figure, but was no above leading wild cavalry charges. Bit by bit he drove back the easter horse, despite numerous errors. In a final charge that drove the marginal remains of the horse off the field. Gluteus was seriously wounded. The enraged Roman cavalry scattered down the riverbank in pursuit of the assassins, becoming just as useless as the helpless Gluteus.

The heavy infantry of both sides had halted to watch the cavalry battle, but once Gluteus fell, the legionaires and phalangites began closing again. Segus guessed his right would be the key flank, and moved the reserve javelinmen there quickly. Gastritus meanwhile was running down a particularly stupid unit of levy archers that dumbly stood up, bow in hand, against the legion. Actually, he only had four cohorts advancing, for one of Gluteus last orders detailed the left to guard against the return of the cataphracts.

It seemed one instant the heavy units were far away, then it was time to sound the charge. Gastritus properly awed by the weight of the phalanx, turned to his wounded commander. From the litter, Gluteus gave faint advice, "when in doubt, charge!"

Gastritus ordered the nearest cohort forward at the run. Not a man came back, while the phalanx didn't missa step. Gastritus ordered the first and senior cohort forward. Striking the enemy at the corner, they had better lack. But then Segus, among his phalangites, ordered that half back out of contact while his javelinmen came up on the flank in support. The senior cohort, flank threatened, now facing the phalanx's front, halted. Segus grinned and sent the javelinmen in to occupy the cohort, while starting the phalangites forward again.

At this instant, Faggo made a dramatic reappearance with the remainder of his cataphracts (about 175 from 250) rode down the flank of the blocking cohort and spent the next few hours cleaning up the panicked remains. On the steep hill. Segus' archers pressed in on the Roman flank. encouraged by the Thracian mercenary peltasts, also appeared now that the battle was safely won.

Gastritus looked around for advice. Perhaps it was the madness that comes with any wound festering in the dry afternoon sun. Whatever-it was. Gluteus uttered the fatal words. "Charge, charge. Its the only advantage we have." So an the phalanx marched upon him. Gastritus turned about the third cohort and charged, trying to rescue the battle. The horrifying scarred Segus, in the front rank of the phalangites, convinced Gastritus it was better to lead his men from the rear.

So Sagus, with a little help from his men, cut down the cohort to the man, slaughtered Gastritus' bodyguard, and wounded Gastritus himself. With both commanders down, a young knight from Rome took the initiative, tied both generals to their horses, and left the field with them. Faggo, still hunting fugitive legionaires in the dust, didn't notice their departure.

Surrounded and deserted, the remaining Romans surrendered. The Greek mercenaries were sent home while the husky legionaires were sold as slaves for a tidy profit. Gluteus and  Gastrites wound up in a coastal fortress. From there, they sent word of defending against an army of 50,000, many casualties, and both generals were honorably wounded.

This, plus paying Ionian pirates to kill anyone saying otherwise.