Paddy Griffith appeared at the Simon household in mid-April. He stayed a day or so, and then it was off into the savage interior of the American heartland... I haven't heard any word from Paddy, his Sherpa bearer, or his faithful Ghurka bodyguard. We hit it off well... an overnight stay at Gettysburg, a multi-player, Griffith-hosted game (the subject of this article), and even two miniatures games using Simon rules... Paddy's introduction to the card system of movement. At the conclusion of the first miniatures game, Paddy's comment was "Unrealistic." At the end of the second game, his comment was "Hm-m-m..." I didn't dare try a third. Back to the Arms Bazaar. Paddy gives credit for the idea to Chris Kemp, one of his British buddies, a member of the Wargames Development Group. 'The participants' roles are tabulated below. Paprica and Rebina are two small Caribbean countries, situated on the same island, eyeing each other across a common border, each wanting to build up their armed forces to strike first. Into this tension-filled atmosphere step the arms salesmen and the action begins. Arms Salesmen: British Lord W. Simon Russian Wallyvonovitch Simonski Chinese Ling Ling Griffith French Henri Phillipe Greeffith Officials: Paprica General-Coronel Fredico Hubig Coronel-Coronel Roberto Wiltrout Coronel-General Jefrico Wiltrout Ribena General-Coronel Fredrico Haub Coronel-General Jaime Butters Each salesman had five products: an aircraft, an AFV, a self- propelled gun, a helicopter, and a type of missile (SAM, AAM, etc). Each product had quality attributes in one of four categories -- outstanding, good, medium, and poor -- and the price was set by each salesman in accord with what he thought the market would bring. For example, as the representative of Great Britain, Lord W. Simon, I determined that the British aircraft was to be outstanding in all parameters... range, payload, performance, electronics, etc ... and the resultant price for this simply superb aircraft, the WHIZZER IV, turned out to be $35,000. In contrast, as Wallyvonovitch the Russian salesman, I priced a good workhorse of an airplane, called the VULTURE, at $15,000. And, unbeknownst to me, Ling Ling Griffith's Chinese plane, the FLYING RICE BOWL, was listed at only $11,000, discounted to $8600! Even more devastating to the competitive market in aircraft was Henri Phillipe Greefith's French MIRAGE 28, going at... can you believe this? ... $6300!! In the face of this intensive competition, I actually sold about 20 WHIZZER's, the purchasers evidently expecting, because of the price and highly touted performance, that their WHIZZER's would clear the skies of all foreign objects. Alas, this was not to be the case. It turned out that, as British salesman, I also had an outstanding surface-to-air missile, known as the KILLER I, in my catalog. When war broke out, and the Paprican Air Force sent in a massive first strike wave of WHIZZER IV's, the Ribenian SAM defenses, composed mainly of KILLER I's, wiped them out! Not a WHIZZER survived! This gave rise to the unfortunate perception that the WHIZZER IV wasn't worth its weight in gold... the Papricans were quite unhappy about their previous expensive purchase... their outcries reached the ears of the Ribenians... and I didn't sell too many more WHIZZER's. A shame, because the WHIZZER IV incorporated all the latest technologies ... it was, indeed, by far the best plane available, and too much was made of the fact that a wave of WHIZZER's was annihilated by my other product, the outstanding KILLER I. The stubborn, macho Paprican and Ribenian officials just wouldn't listen to reason... FLYING RICE BOWL's and MIRAGE 28's sold by the wagonload, however, and Paddy cleaned up with his el cheapo aircraft. For some unknown reason, I could not sell a single Russian VULTURE... both Papricans and Ribenians refused to accept my guaranties of its performance value. Background Briefing The basic background briefing had indicated that both Paprica and Ribenia were deriving their income from a newly discovered source of oil on the island. Each side's monetary input, per turn, was a cool one million dollars... when I heard this, my ears perked up... surely there was a way to get a piece of the action? As both a British and Russian salesman, I was, in part, competing against myself, as was Paddy. The Russian objective was to secure a complete monopoly of all arms equipments to one country. What with the el cheapo FLYING RICE BOWL's and MIRAGE 28's flying around, it was obvious that the Russian goal could not be achieved, and so I concentrated on being a British representative, giving short shrift to my Russian alter ego. Russian equipment didn't sell from the very beginning, although I did manage to get Ribenia to buy a gross of our big, tracked, self-propelled gun, the PEASANT KILLER, a truly deadly weapon, and a medium air-to-air missile, the GREPZ III. Supposedly, Ribena outfitted their squadrons of FLYING RICE BOWL's with GREPZ III's, but the Ribenian Air Force, composed of men like Juan the coffee bean picker, Jose' the sugar cane cutter, and Gorge' the mango peeler, couldn't operate the complex gear to which they were assigned. Whatever, with the Russkis out of it, I concentrated on Lord W Simon's activities, who, as Her Majesty's Minister of Arms Sales, was determined to do what he could for his country. Lord Simon first approached the Ribenians: General-Coronel Haub and Coronel- General Butters, two men of high morale stature. Early in the game, my offer was this: all British arms at half price for a 25% interest in Ribenian oil. I'd thus be selling weapons at a loss, but making up for it with a $250,000 input from Ribenia each turn. Coronel-General Butters, that wily old warrior, agreed to do this, but only for the first three turns, and then see if we wished to renegotiate. I concurred, and the Ribenians placed in my trembling hand a check for $750,000, the first three turn's worth. They then purchased a couple of half-priced WHIZZER's (at around $20,000 each, the WHIZZER IV was rated a "best buy" in the Arms Consumer Index), some of our reliable helicopters, the SILENT SPIDER, and our outstanding British tank, the CHEETAH II. Then I was off to see General-Coronel Hubig and Coronel-General Wiltrout, of the Paprican Ministry of Defense. General-Coronel Fredico Hubig was an extraordinary fellow; his pre-game poop sheet had informed him that one of his basic victory conditions was to amass as much of a personal fortune as possible. Consequently, from the first, Hubig laid it on the line: while he wanted to do as much for his homeland as possible, all Paprican deals must be "upped" somewhat to contain a hidden 10% kickback for him, and a 5% fee for his colleague, Wiltrout. Time and time again, the General-Coronel, hovering over me and waiting for me to write out his check, stressed his integrity of character, and his deep love for Paprica. A fine man. Second Turn On the second turn, the Papricans agreed to a deal similar to that which I had made with the Ribenians; here, however, in contrast to the temporary 25% interest with Ribena, England would get a permanent 40% share of Paprican oil, a virtual reservoir of unadulterated 10W-40. I don't think, at the time the pact was signed, that the good General-Coronel Hubig, or his cohort, Coronel-General Wiltrout, quite knew the extent of the interest they were signing away. When they finally realized how deeply England had penetrated into the Paprican oil fields, the outcry was almost as loud as when their WHIZZER's were wiped out. With the agreement consumated, the Papricans stocked up on British goods, and just prior to Turn 4, the Papricans attacked!! That was when those men of integrity, SeAores Hubig and Wiltrout, sent in their first strike WHIZZER IV's and got zapped by my KILLER I SAM's. Paddy adjucated the battle, asking each side how its force was divided, where it was stationed, how it was disposed, etc., etc. I had thought I had done well, selling about 60 high quality British tanks, the CHEETAH IVs, to the belligerents, but in listening to the battle resolution, Iwas amazed to discover that the French, via Henri Phillipe Greeffith, had sold hundreds of some castoff AFV called the BOUILLEBAISE, which consisted of a huge gun, and advertised as mobile because it was mounted on two bicycle wheels. And the Chinese... Ling Ling Griffith here... had sold additional hundreds of an AFV of the truly poorest quality, the DRAGON'S ROAR, apparently consisting of a small 22 caliber "gun" on a baby carriage. Paddy certainly knew his market. His prices far undercut mine, as witness the following sales listing for AFV's: Nation Type Price Capability France BOUILLEBAISE $1900 Maybe? China DRAGON'S ROAR 550 Pfeh! Russia SWIFT 2100 Pretty good! England CHEETAH II 4300 Superb! So eager were the Papricans and the Ribenians to scoop up the cheap Chinese AFV's, that I noted one sales slip made out for the purchase of 100 DRAGON'S RIBS, instead of DRAGON'S ROARS. I wonder what the buyer said when RIBS were delivered rather than the ROARS he wanted. It should be noted that whereas the Brits had no restrictions on the quality of their goods, the Russians were not permitted to manufacture "outstanding" weapons -- they were limited to good/medium/poor -- while the Chinese were even further restricted to just medium/poor. Buyers, therefore, as has been indicated, had a fairly expansive market before them, and they had to decide whether or not to invest in a relatively few quality weapons, or to sink their funds in a mass of poor grade, but low price, systems. Next Round The first round of battle over, the next round of arms sales began. Both sides had suffered greatly... it was here that I became the target of the moans and groans concerning the WHIZZER fiasco. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't convince the simple peace-loving Papricans or Ribenians that the WHIZZER IV was worth its price, that the aircraft had been shot down by a fluke, and that if they bought enough WHIZZER's, they would become a virtual super power, second only to the US and Russia. In preparation for their second assault, the Papricans bought more CHEETAH II's and a bevy of my excellent British helicopter, the SILENT SPIDER. And, of course, General-Coronel Hubig once again told me of his love for his country, his rabid patriotism, and his unbesmirched honor, as he stood, arm around my shoulder, watching me write out his 10% kickback check. Truly a great man, easy to deal with. Then it was off to Ribena to dicker with General-Coronel Haub. Ribena had been hit harder than Paprica; Haub was in dire need of help. Senor, certainly we British will help out, said I, for if you grant England the permanent rights to 25% of all Ribenian oil, you get my superb half-price deal on all British arms. And to sweeten the pot, I continued, playing both ends against the middle, I will inform you of the arms the Papricans have just ordered for the second round of battle. Priceless intelligence. General-Coronel Haub was obviously eating out of my hand...he agreed and promptly purchased $1,600,000 worth of my weaponry at half price. He even bought some WHIZZER's! He then gave me two checks: one for the arms for the half-price of $800,000 and the other for $250,000, which was the British share of Ribenian oil for that turn. In the next round of battle, Ribenia just couldn't hold its own. Paprican FLYING RICE BOWL's and MIRAGE 28's and DRAGONS ROAR's were unstoppable. General-Coronel Haub surrendered and Paprica controlled the island. During the count-up, when I proudly displayed the Paprican and Ribenian checks to total my sales, I discovered the bitter truth. That Man of Honor, that Saint, that Pillar of Truth, General- Coronel Haub, the Father of Ribenia, had passed me a bad check! Two bad checks! Over a million dollars was uncollectable! During the last round of arms sales, Haub had far overspent his budget in tooling up for the last battle with the Papricans. He had bought so many weapons that the Ribenian treasury ran dry.. that still didn't stop him from ordering equipment and writing checks. No wonder he ordered that last round of WHIZZER's! ... they were, in effect, free! Is there no one to be trusted these days? But what's a million dollars between friends? After all, England owned 40% of Paprican oil, and Paprica now owned the entire island. Victory Problem A slight problem, however, in the victory conditions. It seemed that Lord Simon had overstepped the bounds of his negotiating authority, for Lord Simon's original pre-game instructions had informed him that the Crown wished Ribena to win the war, not Paprica. Lord Simon had sold the Papricans too many weapons. A very complicated geo-political mish-mash. Lord Simon was forthwith whisked back to Great Britain on a WHIZZER IV, where he remains to this very day, on display, under glass, in the east wing of the Tower of London, a subject for the derisive comments of passing tourists. The Arms Bazaar started around 2 o'clock in the afternoon and lasted 'till 10 at night. At first, we put no time limits on the negotiating sessions. Midway in the game, however, we tried to restrict the meeting times to about a half-hour, and still later on, when everybody fully understood -- or thought he understood -- the key ploys and procedures, to about 15 minutes. Set-up time was about an hour and a half, by the time Paddy had briefed all parties on their functions and goals, and the salesmen had figured out their weapon qualities and resultant price lists. As a fitting finale to the grand affair, Paddy cooked up a superb dinner of choice Paprican/Ribenian foodstuffs for the participants. What with a ton of vegetables and meat and rice and fruit in our collective tumtums, we ended a most enjoyable day. Back to PW Review June 1987 Table of Contents Back to PW Review List of Issues Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 1987 Wally Simon This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com