We wargame in Lancaster, we buy miniatures in Lancaster, and the conventions provide guides to explain both of those. However, six times a day we eat in Lancaster, and until now, there has been no guide. Wargamers, this is your guide to dining in the Lancaster area,

First, you may question my suggestion that we eat six times a day. OK, so I'm a nutritional overachiever. First, there's BREAKFAST, which comes at an ungodly hour, because God is still asleep. You, on the other hand, have to make your first game, so breakfast must come early. Then comes ELEVENSES, which, regardless of the precise hour, is that need to snack before lunch has really arrived, because you ate breakfast so early. Next, naturally, is LUNCH. It's the 'showdown at high noon'. Now you begin to see why I am in shape-round is a shape. If you're civilized you might call your afternoon snack HIGH TEA. During gaming its more likely to be a coke and chips, but it's there. Then comes the big time, DINNER. This is usually when you eat the most. The flea market and vendors areas are closed, so you try to slip something in before your evening game. Finally comes the LATE SNACK. Sometimes this should be shaken, not stirred, though at times there may be solid components to munch upon. (See, I told you there were six opportunities to eat.)

Some people skip BREAKFAST, but it's the most important meal of the day. It's the meal you can eat when no games are in progress, and there are no toys to buy. I will frequently tank up on a breakfast smorgasbord, and not eat again until dinner. Of course, I could go without eating until September without doing any serious harm to myself, but if you're frail and thin, do not skip lunch. The Lancaster Host offers an excellent breakfast and breakfast buffet, so if the weather's foul or we're short of time-and working the desk as we do, that's often the case-we dine there.

However, if you have the time and want to spend more of your money on miniatures than meals, go out the front door, hang a left, and take a lap of about a hundred yards to Lapp's Family Restaurant. I even did Lapp's limping about on my cane during Cold Wars. It's nearly as good, and not nearly as pricey (about half as expensive). And they've got a baked oatmeal dish in the buffet that's not to be missed. We used to take the car and take a left on #30 to Denny's on the right, but they failed their die roll on promptness too often, so if we have something special to do, we stick closer to the Lancaster Host. Of course, if you're staying somewhere other than the Lancaster Host, eat at the most convenient spot being careful to weigh culinary quality against cost.

ELEVENSES are why God created coolers. If you know you like to slurp & nosh, bring something. Otherwise you pay too much for an inferior product.

For LUNCH there are half a dozen spots within walking distance. We will always walk to lunch if we have a good parking space-shows my priorities--or drive if we're dining out with friends. Mind you, there is a McDonald's right where Route #30 and #462 split to the West of the convention. Turning right is easier for wargamers- no, that is not a political comment-because you don't have to cross #30, just blend into the eastbound lanes. To the right near that big outlet area is a Bob Evans and a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Modest fair for modest prices.

When it's time for HIGH TEA, it's back to the cooler.

DINNER is always our most interesting meal of the day, because it's where we always dine with friends. We have too many wargaming friends-some of whom we only see at conventions-to pass up the opportunity. The easiest thing to do is to dine within walking distance, and there are a host--no pun intended--of good eateries nearby from Lapps to Appleby's.

If you must have Chinese, the best place is left on #30 on the right hand side, right next to a beer distributor- and the beer people won't let you park in one of his spots and eat in the Chinese Restaurant, so be careful. If you must eat seafood, you're a long way from the sea, but there's a Red Lobster next to the McDonald's we've already mentioned. Unfortunately, a long waiting line has always greeted us. Maybe Lancaster needs two of them. If you have time to kill, go right on #30, left on #896 at the light, right on #340, and you'll finally get to Intercourse-no, it's a town and its name has to do with commerce-which has a food bonanza at the Kitchen Kettle Village, as well as several other eateries, but it's a trek.

I have heard that Miller's Smorgasbord is very good if you go right on #30 and keep going all the way until you're almost in Soudersburg. If you reach Paradise, you've gone too far. (Isn't that the truth?) You can also go right on #30 and then right on #896 to go to the Hershey Farm Restaurant. It was good, but it didn't inspire me.

Our TWO FAVORITE dining places when having dinner at a Lancaster Convention are both smorgasbords. (Well, remember, I haven't had anything since I tanked up at breakfast.) At Good 'N Plenty, which you can get to by turning right out of the con onto #30 East, then a left at the light onto #896 or Eastbrook Road, and its down about a mile on the left. It has a parking lot big enough to land planes in, and no matter how crowded it gets, I've rarely waited more than a few minutes. Seating is family style, so you may be sharing a big long table with mere mortals who don't have their own armies. That, or just bring enough friends to fill a table. They serve lots of stuff with a nice variety, and keep serving fresh food until you can't get any more down.

Of course, when we ate there last and Wait O'Hara--a friend of ourswas handed a platter by the waitress who said, "Here's your ham loaf," we had to call her back to modify her statement to let Wait know she didn't mean it was his personally. I've eaten there two days in a row once, and the only thing that remained the same on the menu was the fried chicken (1 of 3 entres) and shoo fly pie (1 of 3 pies), so they rotate everything including their multiple desserts, I'm big on multiple desserts. Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

Our other favorite is the smorgasbord at Willow Valley Resort. You can get there by going left on #30 west but staying on #462 when #30 branches off. Turning left on #222/#272, but that takes you through Lancaster, and there are traffic lights. You can go right on #30 East to #896, turn right, and right again on #741, then right on #272. Our favorite route is a secret. The Lancaster Host has free maps of the area, and there are a host-there it goes again---of roads to the south of #30, by which one can get there easier and simpler, except our route includes a few farm roads that go right through the fields. There you are, driving over hill and dale through standing corn. You are IN the terrain. But I digress. It's a trip, but it's probably the best Smorgasbord we've EVER been to in Lancaster. It's best to dine there on a Saturday. Try it! You'll like it!

As for the LATE SNACK, if you're up late you might require a little fortification. The bar at the Host is nice, and it's convenient. Other watering places abound And for those of you who are still gaming and can't leave, there's always that multi-purpose cooler upon which one may rely.

Bon appetite. Since life is uncertain, eat dessert first!