Thanks to the internet, I've been able to reunite with my buddy Dan. Astoundingly enough, we are able to have a pretty good time swapping stories electronically and hardly a day passes when we don't trade at least one message.
Some of our conversations, if not all, dwell on our new circumstances as impoverished gamers. That is, distinguished folks who once had far too much money to burn on the hobby but now find themselves still gentlemen, to be sure, but gentlemen who must refrain from buying every round.
This reduction in our pocketbooks has been accompanied by equally devastating reductions in our wargaming adventures, which we thought might make some pretty amusing (possibly helpful, probably frightening) reading. So, with no further build-up, here's how you know you're having lean times as a wargamer.
- 1.) You find yourself buying individual figures, instead of having a standing
order for one bag of everything that comes out of the Foundry and Old Glory.
2.) You find yourself adding water to gooped-up paint to stretch it further, rather than calling and ordering several new bottles via priority mail.
3.) You find yourself selling your complete set of Ospreys because they take up too much space.
4.) You find yourself purchasing primer and sealer from Wal-Mart instead of the el primo hobby stores.
5.) You find yourself checking out books from the library instead of buying them - and awaiting inter-library loans instead of intercontinental shipments.
6.) You convince yourself that Roundway British Marlburians will do as SYW French even though you know you'll spend sleepless nights worrying that the lace patterns aren't correct.
7.) You find yourself haggling over the price of something you WANT.
8.) You find yourself skipping lunch to buy some flock. Then getting hungry and eating the flock.
9.) You find yourself settling into one period, because that really is all you can handle.
10.) You see a beautiful setup with great figures at a convention and think, "At least I don't have to carry all that stuff home."
11.) You start planning new wargaming purchases based on a hoped-for tax refund.
12.) You start thinking about fathering another kid to jack up your earned income credit enough to get the aforementioned refund for sure.
13.) You start mixing paints instead of buying one of every shade from the PollyS rack.
14.) You suddenly realize that you know exactly how much wargaming stuff you have.
15.) You find yourself living in Hovels instead of buying them.
If you find yourself doing more than three of these, there may be no hope of reversal. Have any more? Write or e-mail us for inclusion in a future column.
One of the other things we've been chewing on is constructing the blueprint for the perfect convention.
- 1.) To begin, it should be held somewhere where the weather is good at the exact
same time that your home weather is bad.
2.) It should be far enough away so you can't be reached too easily and none of your keepers will notice if you stay up too late or have one too many beers or puff on a cigar or two. Just before you leave your mother-in-law drives up. She is coming to visit for a few days. As you sidle by, she sneaks you her VISA and Chevron cards, winks and enjoins you to have a good time.
3.) When you pull up in your minivan, exhausted after a 14-hour drive, a bellhop cheerfully mule-hauls all your gear up to your room. When you reach for your wallet, he smiles and tells you there is absolutely no tipping allowed.
4.) You should have plenty of time and money (at least $500 that no one but you knows you have), so you can arrive early, stay late and spend yourself silly.
5.) Your room should feature a computer with an internet hookup to interactive games in every period. It should also offer 24/7 news flashes on the con. You should be able to send e-mail to all attendees and guests to facilitate game hookups, arrange luncheons and ask questions.
6.) All the big names in wargaming have attended and they are all begging to spend some quality time with you.
7.) The entire venue is well-lighted. You can actually see everything.
8.) Nothing starts until after 11 AM. And, if you're not there then, everyone waits for you. At night (or wee hours) it all stays open until you're ready to retire.
9.) Your worst figures win the painting competition. The prize is $ 100. And someone buys the winners for another $300.
10.) All game hosts actually show up.
11.) The Foundry and Old Glory stands have decided to have a face off sale and keep lowering prices until you can afford to buy one of everything from both of them.
12.) You win the door prize. A museum-quality painted army of your choice (you select Highlanders, of course)!
13.) Waterloo on Friday. Omdurman on Saturday. (or, substitute your favorite fray here) You're commanding both and you suffer astounding defeats and still have a good time, as do all your generals.
14.) Everyone is having such a good time, a consensus vote is taken and the fun and games go on for yet another two days.
15.) Howard Whitehouse decides it's too much trouble to pack his scenery home, so he gives it to you.
As earlier, if you want to add to the list, let us know. See you next time.
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© Copyright 1999 Hal Thinglum
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