Every once in a while, usually on the down side of Sunday afternoon at a convention, you might hear wargamers wistfully lamenting the fact that our hobby has not been successful at drawing women into gaming with miniatures. We tend to look at role-playing gaming with a bit of envy,' mixed with a fair degree of lust, as we see the young "elf maiden" or "dungeon mistress" gayly playing their characters true to form. There they sit, bunched around the role-playing table with the most undeserving lot (and usually unknowing as cell) consisting of "low level thieves", "fighters" and "ninja" that we can only smirk at due to our much greater knowledge of history (and therefore real life) than these hapless folk. Granted, a small percentage of these unwitting heathen may someday be converted to the "TRUE FAITH" of historical miniatures, but it will most likely not be the female adventurer that will be asking for an explanation of the 'maneuver sur le derrier', as practised by the master.
Well, after much careful thought (and a great deal of frustration), I have come to the conclusion of "Who needs 'em anyway?" In our haste to have women enter the ranks of wargaming maybe we are forgetting some of the problems we would face and the price we would be paying. The best way I can think of to point out just what I am talking about is to give an example from a favorite movie of mine called "THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR". The movie stars Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway and while the plot is not really important to my point, there is a chess game in the movie that is. It is a lenghthy game of chess between the main characters who are both very good players. Steve McQueen is dressed in his competitive best business suit and ready for a serious game. Faye Dunaway is dressed to kill in a low cut white evening gown.
During tense moments of concentration for our hero, she starts doing things like taking off her shoes and touching McQueens leg with her foot. Then she suggestively fondles the rounded top of her king (the chess piece). Finally, she uses her tongue to lick her lips in a way that Laura Petrie never even thought of back in the '50's. Well, as you can imagine, while Steve may be able to hold his own against fair competition, he just can't help but succumb to this unfair assault on his powers of concentration. In desperation, he finally concedes the game and takes her in his arms and says,
"Let's play something else," and, of course, they go to bed.
The main reason I bring this up as an example is that chess is recognised as a form of wargaming, so all of us should be able to relate to this situation and grasp the lesson it has to teach us. Just try to imagine yourself in Steve McQueen's position. You're at a wargame with Faye Dunaway in a one-on-one situation. Besides being a good opponent, she is using all of the wiles of her feminine charm to distract you from concentrating on what your best moves are. Formerly your male gaming opponents would try dirty tricks to throw off your powers of concentration during a game, but it usually didn't take too long to get used to the terrible smell. Now here is someone who actually smells and looks good and it is ruining your chance to achieve ultimate victory.
It's true that Steve McQueen ended up in bed with Faye Dunaway, but that was only a movie. Even if it had been real life though, do you think he could have enjoyed himself after losing the game to her. Obviously not. Hours of frustration would probably follow with him laying awake mulling over every move and mistake in the game to try and discover the ultimate cause for his defeat.. All to no avail. It just wouldn't work.
Ah, you say... I won't be gaming with Faye Dunaway. I won't even end up going to bed with the women I game with, especially after I lose (if I ever do lose). But that's not the point. We're talking about something even more dangerous than that here. (if that's really possible!). Women THINK completely different than anyone else. They have a completely alien approach to the entire hobby. The women I have been exposed to (not literally, of course), cannot understand why men in brightly colored uniforms would stand in neat rows in the open and fire guns and cannon at each other. They think that the best troops must be the ones with the prettiest uniforms, when everyone knows that the best troops are the ones with the fanciest hats.
They continually suspect that you have just made up whatever rule you are quoting simply because it benefits only your troops. And to top it all off, how long can you go on having your 'little men' referred to as being 'cute'. The examples above are only some of what I am trying to warn you about. (Females also tend to be uncannily good at rolling dice).
So far I've mentioned only a few idiosyncracies and gone into some of the possibilities of what can happen when they win and you lose. Despite the extreme damage that losing can do to your male ego, stop and think of the consequences of winning for a moment. A good analogy is that of winning the battle and losing the war. When you defeat a male opponent you feel it is your duty, as the victor, to point out every last mistake that he has made and offer expert advice on what you might have done in that situation. Your intent, of course, is not to be obnoxious or to gloat over your victory. You are simply helping the unfortunate loser so that he will be able to pull himself up to your level next time and once again provide you with a worthy opponent You also know that he would be glad to do the same for you were the situations reversed.
If, however, your opponent is female instead, the situation is totally different. You will have to assure her that it was thru sheer misfortune that you won the game at all. You will have to convince her that you didn't really mean to win, it just happened that way. You will have to be so magnanimous and modest in victory that it will make you sick. All the joy will be taken out of the 'thrill of victory'. Even so, it will most likely be held against you in the future anyway for months and years to come. It will be painted as a perfidious and underhanded thing that you have done to a totally innocent bystander (which may, in fact, be true ... but that's no reason to hold it against you). I am sure I don't have to elaborate for most of you who have had arguments with the female of the species before.
So where does all of that leave us? Well, personally I have nothing against the female of the species, but as warqamers I have my doubts. I think we have to learn to appreciate the friends we have even though it takes 4 days after a meeting to fumigate the basement. So when you are buying those "Old Spice" deoderant sets for all of your gaming buddies this Christmas. just remember that things could be worse. After all, it's a lot cheaper than perfume.
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© Copyright 1986 Hal Thinglum
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