"And here's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, with your home in the Sudan..." --Fuzzy-Wuzzy, Rudyard Kipling After a victory in Khartoum two days before, it seemed impossible that the Mahdi would continue to worry about the British. (This is a What-If battle, because British forces were already gone.) But the remnants of the British forces wanted to destroy everything the "Fuzzy-Wuzzies" and dervishes had, much like Gen. Sherman of the United States did to the Confederacy did twenty-one years before, Yet, why would the British want to follow the tactics of the Yankees. Major-General Ralph [1] Rackstraw had just seen H.M.S. Pinafore and The Pirates of Penzance and wanted to act like some of the characters. He was "hardly ever sick in the desert," but he "led his regiment from behind and found it less exciting." [2] He and the Camel Corps (who were not riding camels) formed a British square half a mile from the Nile River. At the same time, a British steamboat was patrolling up the Nile. Ralph could not stand the heat and asked one of his soldiers: "I say, Monty, can you endure the fifty degree temperatures?" "I think, Ralph, that it's about one hundred and twenty-two, not fifty," Monty replied "Are you an American? We use Celsius out here, not Fahrenheit! I say that those Americans should use what everyone else uses!" "I'm not American," Monty said. "Say, do you think the dervishes will give us ice pops? Even the camels can't take the heat out here. I could use a plum-pudding flavored... oh, I think I hear a Fuzzy-Wuzzy! " He did not yet. Ralph Rackstraw and the Duke of Plaza-Toro (bringing up the rear of the formation) were too busy grumbling about the heat to see the enemy... I moved six inches north on the first turn and was close enough to check Area 1. On the next turn, Ralph Rackstraw discovered four Fuzzy-Wuzzies. They were all shot and killed before they could strike us with their swords, Once the enemies were found in an area, no more could jump out of the rocks. I moved my steamboat, the Bulldog, closer to Area 3, but my ground troops found FuzzyWuzzies there first. There were only two there (that was certainly good for us!) I did not come across anyone in Area 2 until the third reconnaissance mission there, when I (to my surprise) found twenty angry Fuzzy-Wuzzies! Gerard was cowardly when he sent two Fuzzy-Wuzzies backwards. [Reader~ Stop that criticisml In Issue #109 you said he lacked valor when he hid everyone in the tavern out in Saskatchewan! Enough is enough!] But my tactics were far worse. With twenty Fuzzy-Wuzzies in Area 2, the Duke of Plaza-Toro decided to lead the way and bring everyone to the exit door (see the map.) But the Fuzzy-Wuzzies in Area 2 charged after me and desired a melee. Even the two chickens went back to join the fight. Bad news for Ralph Rackstraw he was felled in the melee, Then, the bagpiper was killed I lost my entire musical section. The melee stats: I win 10 to 8 (as far as casualties go. In other words, I killed ten, Gerard killed eight.) Then there was another melee, which we tied 5 to 5. 1 shot four Fuzzy-Wuzzies (Hadendawas) with just four troops. Eventually, it was down to one Fuzzy-Wuzzy. The soldiers who brought up the rear of the formation (which was now a big jumbled mess) got him. When I reached Area 4, I found twenty-four dervishes! I was doomed. The swarm killed one but I killed one. The Duke of Plaza-Toro met his end, but he shot two dervishes. My artilleryman was mortally wounded, so I brought my naval officers off the Bulldog, Two naval officers were eliminated. Then, one ground troop was felled by a spear. I did not think Here is a report on the remainder of the battle from Arthur Gilbert, one of the soldiers who fought here: These dervishes are very, very vicious fighters, oh yas yas yas. They almost shed every ounce of British blood in just these melees. Well, we struck back. Our naval officers took down three in just one turn, and then six of them bit the dust due to us British sharpshooters. They got everyone who went after them, and the rest of the Camel Corps brought it down to just four enemies. Another melee: we eradicated the rest of 'em without suffering any casualties. Yas, we found quite a few dervishes in Area 5. We lost three in our next melee but killed one. One of our very good naval officers lost his life, but we shot three dervishes. They did a divide-and-conquer (the strategy I hate the most) but I got two in their northern division. More bad news for those ferocious dervishes: the rear division of the Camel Corps got four of 'em. Oh yas, there was another melee. Three of us royal soldiers down, three of those dervishes down. Then, everyone but one of 'em was shot. I suppose we'll win now, yas yas. All right, enough of the report. The Bulldog retreated five inches because I did not want to find anyone in Area 6. Gerard was braver than I was, but his soldiers in that area certainly were not. I eventually got the last dervish. With this good news, I brought the two remaining Camel Corps officers, naval officers, and gatling gun (which I never got to use) off the map, I had not even found anyone in Area 6, which was good! Gerard wanted to concede defeat prematurely, but I felt I should run up the score and get everyone off the map first. It was only a partial victory because I needed the majority of troops and officers plus the gatling gun off the map. The dervishes and Fuzzy-Wuzzies squabbled over possession of the Bulldog, which was just abandoned in the Nile River. I was not around to find out the results. [Reader: I wonder how many Fuzzy-Wuzzies or dervishes were hiding in Area 6. If you found sixty of them, you would have definitely lost.] War is composed entirely of mistakes?] Now for the tactical map (see top): The soldiers in the Camel Corps start out in the bottom right corner of the map and the Bulldog in the upper right. Area I is made up of two small cliffs. Areas 2, 4, and 6 are groups of small rocks. Area 3 in the middle is a large rock, and Area 5 is an oasis (the ideal area to stay in when you're in the desert.) Conclusion: 1. The Mahdi is very upset over the Hadendawas' and dervishes' loss. 2. The British are drinking Earl Grey tea at their victory celebration in the oasis (and grateful for it, after depending on their canteens for several weeks) 3. The Fuzzy-Wuzzies and dervishes are planning to attack Mother England with their steamboat... Back to MWAN #117 Table of Contents Back to MWAN List of Issues Back to MagWeb Magazine List © Copyright 2002 Hal Thinglum This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com