Willelmus Haroldum non amat totus.
(William TOTALLY does not like Harold.)
-Paraphrasing the Bayeux Tapestry
WARGAMUS MILITES
WILLIAM: (English) Great. I have to face the Irish this time. Their soldiers have better armor, but we should have better tactics. Plus, we have the clumsy, lumbering, fat Falstaff. His crossbow ought to get us out of trouble.
FALSTAFF: (English) I weigh 400 more pounds today than I did yesterday. I only ate sixty drumsticks off the bone last night. I also gobbled down five pounds of lard and imbibed sixteen gallons of mead. I sure could use some mead right now.
FR. MURPHY: (Irish) I don't drink mead, Falstaff. This is what I have to say about this war: Ta se go dona. [It is bad.] And with you around, Falstaff, it is worse. I have disguised myself as a soldier and will fight for Ireland. I just came over from the church in West Baveux. I wonder if they will come to me for their confessions...
KILKENNY COLCANNOM (Irish) Kenny Meath is a real nuisance who lives in Bayeux. He is one of the archers in the turret in the castle. If I kill Kenny Meath, I think I can run into the castle and coerce the English to surrender.
NORMAN: (English) Don't eat Meath on Fridays, Kilkenny. The Irish deserve a good crossbow blast. Our bowmen are the finest in Europe.
POTATO FAMINE: (Irish) I man the bombards, which should shatter the castle into a million bricks If only I could chuck potatoes at it...
After the Battle of Hastings in 1066, William decided to take on the Irish. Just across from England, Ireland would have a strong army, Father Murphy (the great-great-great-great uncle of the soldier-priest at Boolavogue) was the leader of the Irish. He, Kilkenny Colcannon, and Potato Famine were the three leaders.
The bombards' commander, Potato Famine, was killed by an arrow. Then, the men pushing the siege tower were upset when it sank in the Bayeux River. There was a 50/50 chance of this. Gerard's men were so desperate that he led them right across the river ... or tried to. Hungry crocodiles swam in the river, looking for a juicy Irishman. They downed seven of the eleven Irish. The archers had a 60% chance of crossing, but the halberdiers only had 40%. With my bowmen, I gradually thwarted these survivors.
Two Irishmen could carry each ladder, There was still hope for the Emerald Isle... if their men could bring the ladders to the castle. After I killed the drummer boy, someone else had to carry the ladder. The men went over the bridge and came to the door. I refused to let Gerard have a battering ram, which would have made the game too easy.
I did have an advantage when I was allowed two barrels of boiling oil. I could dump the steaming oil on top of his soldiers and melt them. [Reader: I'M MELTING!] Three were cremated early by the oil (and their family didn't have to go to a funeral home!) The Irish climbed up their ladders and tried to melee me with their best men. They would have won if Gerard hadn't made a decision...
Since there were not enough men to lay siege to the castle, Father Murphy surrendered in this speech: "...I must go back to Wexford and the province of Munster. If I don't, the English will murder all my men and take me prisoner. Now it is time to return to West Bayeux and preach. From now on, I will fight no more forever..."
Didn't Chief Joseph say that 800 years later? Well, William was overjoyed after he heard Father Murphy's speech. [Reader: Why was Gerard's luck so bad even though he made the rules" Did he just let Alexander win?] No way. Gerard gives I 10% effort in his wargames. The castle he designed was made out of individual bricks spray-painted to look real. He is a great designer but a MEDIOCRE general.
The map shows the trapezoidal castle surrounded by the Bayeux River. The two circles by the fences are the primitive cannons, or bombards. The arrows are actually trees, if you haven't guessed. The fences are there for no particular reason. They were only in front of the ladder-carriers. The bridge was gray and came up in an arch.
The castle door could only be opened from the inside. Thus, one would have to go over the bridge and set up the ladders. The siege tower started off on the right, and for every two men pushing it, the tower would move one inch. When it reached the river, it fell in with a big splash. [Reader: That tower was a big waste.]
It had a lot of potential, though. The dotted line shows its potential and how the drawbridge would fall. After the tower sank, Father Murphy's hopes were shattered.
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© Copyright 2001 Hal Thinglum
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