"Well, I suppose there are such things as gifted amateurs." --- Lieutenant Bromhead A Northwest Mounted Police post in the province of Saskatchewan was the site of a battle. The Mounties, led by Constable Custard, were wiped out by the Desperados and Indians. The Mounties were allied with two Mexicans and a preacher. Hard to believe? Of course, this is a fictional battle set above the tree line. The Mexicans supposedly got lost, trying to cross the border and settle in Texas. Here is their conversation after two Mexicans, Paco and lack Spittle, crossed from Tamaulipas to Texas. "I told you to make a right after we crossed the Rio Grande, not a left," Paco said. "Oi, but we do not have a compass," cried lack Spittle in defense. "And why not?" asked Paco. "Because it fell into the Rio Grande. I had it in my pocket, and when I swam across, it was gone." "You what?" yelled Paco. "Fool! I ought to stick a piece of chimichunga down your throat!" And that was the story of the Mexicans, The Indians, no particular tribe in the battle, went across the border. They had fenced in a herd of four longhorns and two calves. One of the longhorns mysteriously escaped from the ranch and went off towards a frozen pond. It slipped and slid, but did not move at all during the battle. The fight took place after a brutal snowstorm, and so the ground was a fluffy white mass of snow. Four dead trees were on the pond. A teepee was set up towards the far eastern area, south of the pond. The Indians must have been freezing wearing just their breechcloths. The battle used a set of rules devised by my father, Gerard. He commanded the Mounties' and Mexicans' thirteen troops. Four of these were classified as civilians: the preacher, Jack Spittle, Paco, and Calamity lane, Jr. Calamity Jane, Jr. is Constable Custard's tough mother, who has a pistol hidden in her dress pocket. She is the only woman involved in the battle, and the first female Mountie. (Note that there are currently female Mounties, but this battle is set over a century ago.) I had fifteen troops: seven Desperados and eight Indians. Two Indians were guarding the ranch, and one was in front of the teepee. These three did not move. Movement rates explained in detail: All of the following use one six-sided die. Indians on foot would have three inches plus die roll. The mounted Indian and soldier in the scenario had six inches plus a roll. A civilian would have one six-sided die, and a foot soldier could move up to six inches without a die. For each soldier there are dice to roll for shooting: Type : Dice Rolled Mounties or Troops : 2 Averaging Dice Officers : D10 Indian Braves : D8 Indian Chief : D10 Civilian : D6 Cowboy or Desperado : 2D6 Great Leader : D12 This chart shows the weapon, range (whether the soldier is six or twelve inches away from the enemy) and what you would have to roll to hit or for the person to be out of ammo: Weapon Roll # or higher up to 6 inches Roll # or higher up to 12 inches Out of Ammo Pistol 5 - 1-2 Rifle 5 8 1-2 Shotgun 4 9 1-3 Bow 5 9 1 Gatling (5 shots) 3 7 1= jammed We received a telegram from Constable Jasper, police chief of Jasper, Alberta: The Mountle post Five miles west of Flin Flon was under Desperado and Indian attack yesterday. Before the battle, we hid a treasure chest behind the bars of the Jail. This chest had been found on Mount Logan, highest point In Canada, twenty years ago. It contained seventy thousand Canadlan dollars worth of gold. Constable Custard left behind a document Inside the post It says.- 'The battle started off with the desperados several meters from our post, and the Indians off by the ranch. We had Canadian cavalry in reserve, but we could not deploy them. They were in Flin Flon, Manitoba, waiting for us to cry for aid. Some chickens! We had a mounted soldier in front, who was fired upon by the Desperados. The first two shots missed, but the third felled him. Several Indians went after the Mexicans, I noticed. One of them shot the preacher (a grave sin, I may add.) Paco was killed, too, but lack Spittle decided to run away. The Native American did not follow him directly, but went south to the post to intercept him. Jack Spittle sneaked inside the post, and I started to write this document. Some of our men were sharpshooters, but they only thwarted five Desperados and no Indians. The first to die was Gros E. Beak. The rest were Stinky, 'Apple' Crisp, and two anonymous soldiers. I just hoped the Canadian cavalry would arrive in time." I was glad to present this document verbatim. Not one word has been omitted. Unfortunately, Geezer McGee shot the constable, and the Indlans and Desperados celebrated. They released the cattle, who almost trampled two of the Indlans In the process Our only donkey was stolen, and we have no Idea where It ended up. Thus concludes Jasper's telegram. [Reader: Tell me more about the making of the wargame. What were the random events? Why did the Indians and Desperados win?] Percunctatorem fugito nam garrulus idem est. (Latin to English: Avoid the inquisitive person, because he is also a blabbermouth.) So, reader (yawn) the processes are as follows. Morale was not a factor in this battle, not even for the Mounties and Mexicans who were the victims of a bloodbath. The Indians and Desperados won ten to nothing (as far as soldiers go.) Turns were based on this: if a red chip was picked out of a can, the Mounties would go. If a yellow chip was picked, the Indians went. However, if a blue chip was selected, the can would have to be shuffled and two dice would be rolled for random events. The random events: 2 1D6 Desperados Arrive 3 Prospectors Arrive/Search for Gold 4 Homesteaders head for town 5 1D6 Outlaws Arrive 6 1D4 Lawmen Arrive 7 Mounted Indian Warband Arrives (2D6) 8 2D6 Indians on foot Arrive 9 1D10 Mounties Arrive 10 1D6 Mounties Arrive 11 Cattle Stampede 12 Snowstorm. All ranges halved. Rule: If you move, you can't fire. And if you fire, you can't move. [Reader: Ridiculous! In real war, you can move and fire. Either that or just sit around and do nothing.] Sorry, this is a wargame, not a real war. Tactics had to be carefully planned because of this factor. The tactics of the Desperados were to move just enough so you could fire. Next turn, they could shoot and knock everyone down. Some of them did not have to move because they had rifles and shotguns, which have a better range than pistols. This was a good way to pick off the Mounties. One of the first I killed was really a civilian sod-buster. He was sitting outside the door, ready to get shot. Some of my Indians moved west, shooting at the Mexicans. Three of them were left to guard the property. Yet, if the cattle stampeded (see Random Events,) they would run over the Indians. I just kept the Indians there in case the Mounties tried to steal the cattle. Gerard's Mountie tactics were unbelievably bad (and I must say it.) [Reader: You are bending this article against him. Any reason why?] No, reader, it is true. His dice rolling was below average, and keeping some soldiers inside the post was not showing any kind of valor. Once the preacher was gone, Jack Spittle decided to retreat to the post. He was too timid to get outside and fight, or possibly steal some of my cattle. Summary of his tactics: to kill as many as he could before the amount of men dipped too low. Then, he would cower in fear and send his men into the post. Conclusion: 1. This battle shows that you don't have to be Canadian to be a Mountie. 2. That Mexicans can fight anywhere, anytime. 3. That Paco and lack Spittle are reading this conclusion and bitterly complaining. Back to MWAN #109 Table of Contents Back to MWAN List of Issues Back to MagWeb Magazine List © Copyright 2001 Hal Thinglum This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com