Where each issue I try to get fired so I can finally get some sleep. Alright, let's face it. We're all outcasts. In high school, we were beaten senseless by jocks and our parents thought we were worshiping Satan. We have, as a community, only slightly more social skill than a bunch of Star Trek conventioneers. We are a geeky, sorry-ass bunch of losers who are lucky to have a date on a good day and are likely to never even see a member of the opposite sex. We are roleplayers. There are exceptions, of course. Being of a large size and a member of the wrestling team in high school, I protected many of my friends from persecution, but they did need protection. Cliches are not born in a vacuum. Face it, as a group of people, we are lucky to find enough social skills to tip a waitress. But there is one hope, one gleaming glory that gives us solace and hope in the sea of social ineptitude. This is our one salvation, the thing that lets us sleep soundly at night and wake up with a feeling of less than utter hopelessness. It's a true and beautiful fact that we hold in the very core of our most cherished scraps of ego. We aren't LARPers. Live Action Role Players--RL Who invented this social dysfunction? Who decided it would be cool to put on cloaks, get roaring drunk, and wander around pretending they aren't as sad and pathetic as they know they are? You'd think they were Masons or something. Now if these were just beer-swilling, skirt chasing party hounds, I'd have nothing but respect for them, but let's face it--they aren't. They are nothing but drunken, self-delusioned punks. Do I seem cruel? Do I seem heartlessly vindictive? Well, anyone who's tried to wade through a gaming convention of drunken LARPers knows what I'm talking about. I've thought about it long and hard. The only purpose I can see in what they are doing is to get laid. I know, this is a noble goal and all, but come on! If sex is all you need, pick up this month's issue of Maxim. Every month they have something for the sexually deprived. February has a great article on picking up women. The last thing you should be doing is is putting on cloaks and fake vampire teeth and wandering around hypnotizing each other. Nothing is more pathetic than two effeminate men playing rock/paper/scissors to resolve some deep, far ranging dispute. At least when the Society of Creative Anachronism gets all dolled up it, they try to kick the crap out of someone. So we are forced to be plagued by these drunken morons. Anyone who has tried to carry on a normal game with LARPers swarming around them knows what I'm talking about. They come in two types... The first type are the women and the ultraeffeminate men. These guys are not too bad to deal with. They are annoying and frightening (though perhaps not justly so) to the homophobic. Other than that, they are bearable. Kind of to roleplayers what drama club and band were to high school students. All in all not too bad. They are to be pitied and helped along, but not tortured to the brink of tears. I mean, some of them are kind of attractive. The second type become exceedingly belligerent as the alcohol and night progresses. They are the trailer trash of the roleplaying community, harassing and disrupting roleplayers who trying to engage in honest gaming. They are a plague that must be stopped. For instance, one of them burst into a room at GenCon this year. A friend of mine, Gary Llewelyn (a burly, hairy, football player of a man) was lounging there, taking a break from the noble sport of tormenting LARPers. At the next table were a group of young kids, your typical roleplayer types, playing AD&D (hey, to each his own, say). All of a sudden a drunken LARPer burst into the room. The conversation went something like this: LARPer: I need to borrow a cloak! Someone give me a cloak! Someone has to have a cloak! What?! [Turning on the AD&Ders] I can't believe how @#$%ing unprepared you are! How stupid can you be, not bringing a cloak?l Gary: Hey buddy, they're not the ones who are LARPing. You forgot your cloak. LARPer [Pretending it was the AD&Ders who were talking back, ignoring my biker of a friend]: You shut up or I'll kick your ass! You want some of me? Gary: Hey buddy, it's me who's talking. LARPer [Still pretending it' S the little guys talking]: You wanna fight?! I'll kick your ass! Gary [Getting fed up with this]: Hello, slut! [Gary loves calling men slut] I'm the one who's talking here. The conversation didn't get any more civil. So here I'm saying, let's rally together against this blight. We get enough flack without these guys giving us more bad press. Therefore I make the following suggestion: We should join together in a holy war against LARPers. We should torment them back into their basements and warehouses around the country. We should make them fear to crawl into the light of day! I therefore list the following suggestions for what to do when you find a group of LARPers. Be sure to check with your lawyer and/or parole officer before trying any of these. The laws of your state may vary. Suggestions 1: Walk amongst them, calmly tearing their cloaks from their necks. When they try to stop you, explain that you're with the hotel cleaning service. 2: Find those who are doing one of those silly symbols to represent being invisible. Refuse to see them. Continue to bump into them/try to reach something behind them/step on them until they stop crossing their arms. Then scream "Oh my God! Where did you come from?" 3: Start your own LARP where you are freelance dentists. Begin a holy war to save them from their own vampire fangs. 4: Act like an escapee from an insane asylum. Take everything they do dreadfully seriously. When they try to explain it's a game, tell them they won't fool you with their devious excuses. 5: Walk around with a stake and a hammer. When they try to do some in-game defense against you, thinking you are playing with them, say, "Your Jedi Mind Tricks won't work against me, bloodsucker!". Then try to pound a stake into them. 6: See how many vampire teeth you can get out with. This takes a quick hand or a group of burly friends. 7: Wait until one of them says something like, "I won! You have to take off all your clothes and have sex with the nearest person!" (This actually happens). Shrug and begin stripping as if you intend to comply. 8: If you're large, male, and Italian, with body hair that could pass as a sweater, dress in a low cut gown and try to convince the male LARPers that you are an innocent, nubile virgin. Insist that your neck is lonesome. Bat your eyelashes a lot. 9: Pretend you are playing with them. When you cast a spell on them and win, tell them they have to take off all their clothes and have sex with the nearest person. 10: Call the police. Tell them there are a bunch Of madmen in cloaks who think they are vampires, killing people and draining them of blood. When they try to talk their way out of it, criticize them for dropping character. 11: Announce loudly you're both a vampire and a werewolf, but "Bi's" don't have any rights. Start a civil rights rally. 12: Walk amongst them making spooky noises, like a ghost. When they try to remove you, insist they can't see you. 13: Pick one of them and announce loudly that he sucked your grandmother dry. Then point at the nearest young woman and insist that's her. If either try to approach you, begin weeping hysterically. 14: Pull a gun, chamber a bullet, and say loudly, "Let's see if this does aggravated damage!" 15: Punch one in the mouth as hard as you can. If their fangs fall out, tell them that's one aggravated wound each. Back to Masters of Role Playing #7 Table of Contents Back to Masters of Role Playing List of Issues Back to Master Magazine List © Copyright 1999 by Chalice Publications. This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com