In the military, most officers aspire to command. However, every officer serves quite a bit of time on a staff. Here are some quotes overheard at some of the highest level command headquarters in the US military. Many pertain to Operation Iraqi freedom. Some may be applicable for your place of employment.
"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him."
"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." A lieutenant colonel on the joys of coalition building
"The Office of the Secretary of Defense will continue to drive this cart into the ground long after the wheels have been sold on E-bay."
"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute."
"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them...and then exploit the hell out of 'em." Attributed to a high ranking officer.
"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" One staff officer to his subordinate on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea
"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." A lieutenant colonel on life at his command
"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..."
"One of the secrets to maintaining my positive attitude in this job is this: I complete no task before its time..." A major.
"It is nothing for US soldiers to be in the desert for a year without a woman. It is different for us, though, because we are Latin..." A lieutenant colonel from a Latin American country on one of the differences between Latin American soldiers and their US counterparts.
"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." A lieutenant colonel after being assigned a difficult tasker.
"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" A lieutenant colonel after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet.
"OK, this is too stupid for words." A lieutenant colonel on a joint staff.
"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." Attributed to a major but applicable to many.
"Don't ever be the first...don't ever be the last...and don't ever volunteer to do anything...." An ancient Navy truism.
"Are you sure they aren't writing about us? Hell, at least we should jump on that wholesale desertion thing..." From a major on the following report from a newspaper: "(The Iraqi military was crippled by)...a multitude of erratic orders and strategic miscalculations, while its fighting units barely communicated with one another and were paralyzed from a lack of direction...these woes were compounded by incompetence, poor preparation, craven leadership and (the) wholesale desertions of thousands of soldiers..."
"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams."
"South of the Alps and East of the Adriatic, paranoia is considered mental equilibrium..."
The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in "fat chance..."" A high-ranking civilian in a military headquarters.
"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." From a retired chief warrant officer.
"Never pet a burning dog." A lieutenant colonel in the Tennessee National Guard.
"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up." From a naval aviator on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan.
"A staff action is like getting an out of state check, countersigned by a fraud on a phony ID: some of the time it clears, but most of the time, you're screwed." Attributed to an Air Force colonel.
"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." Attributed to a naval officer on learning he was being sent to France.
"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan.
"The hardest thing about having a third child is switching from 1-on-1 to a zone defense." A major discussing child-rearing.
"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make colonel." Attributed to a colonel.
"The first question I ask myself when tasked to do something that's not obviously and overwhelmingly in my own best interest is, 'Exactly what happens if I don't do it?'"
"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." From a major on a joint staff.
"I think that my next set of orders will take me to Iraq. My career's going so badly that I'm considered a 'dead-ender.”
"I just realized that this War on Terror might take a little longer than we thought, so I am developing a new system of hanging charts on walls to solve our problem and win the war." A colonel after a review of long range Counter Terrorism plans.
"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."
"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a briefing.
"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but the State Department is being anal about it." A colonel on OIF coalition-building.
"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it."
"I'm gonna have to leave work early today and probably stay home tomorrow. I'm fighting off a cold and I want to beat it before I start my leave in two days."
"Creating smoking holes gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." Overheard at a counter terrorism conference
"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."
"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."
"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer."
"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." From a Navy commander.
"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." A lieutenant commander.
"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."
"Mark my words, this internet thing is gonna catch on someday."
"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..."
"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it."
"I'm just livin' the dream..." A staffer’s response to the question, "How's it going?" or, "What are you doing?"
"I'm just ranting...I have nothing useful to say."
"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?" From a civilian at a military HQ.
"How soon before we can give this guy a medal, a good efficiency report, and send him on his way?" A civilian staffer referring to his military boss.
"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit."
"It was seen, visually." A staff officer during a reconnaissance briefing.
"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..."
"This should be a short conversation." Two colonels chatting.
"If you want to take down a country, gimme a call. We'll get it done." A general to a gathering of US ambassadors.
"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch." From a major at European Command (EUCOM)
"Your Key Issues are so 2003..." From a staffer in January 2004
"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!"
"This is all happening because we had the sympathetic detonation of a stress grenade." After an insignificant issue became a theater focus because somebody used the "Reply all" function.
"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna get..." An officer describing the way Army policy is formulated
"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..." Foreign general when asked if he had any questions following a briefing at a US HQ.
"I'm planning on taking the weekend off...notionally..." A lieutenant midway through a huge, simulated command exercise.
"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'"
"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today." A major after listening to a briefing.
And finally…..
"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?" From an Army major.
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