(An incident in a medieval club PBM recalled, exaggerated and embroidered, like all good medieval history, many years after the event.) Extract from the campaign rules sheet: The campaign is set in the British Isles and France in the mid fourteenth century. Umpiring will not be impartial; I will assume the role of the Pope, Christus the XIII. Real advantages can be gained in this campaign by players who, in keeping with the period, conspicuously favour the church. Late 1345. William, Lord Douglas (Major Scottish noble) to the Pope: Holy father. I wish it to be known that I have gifted a large part of my lands in Liddesdale to the church. Subscriptions have been granted by myself and other Scots nobles for the construction of a fine abbey on this land, to be a lantern for the true faith. [ Good call.] June 1346. An invading English army is heavily defeated by Douglas’ numerically inferior army. William, Lord Douglas to King David II of Scots: Your Grace, On the fifteenth of this month, at dawn, I led my army in an attack on the Earl of Warwick’s forces in Teviotdale. The English were totally defeated and driven from our lands. By virtue of the generous endowments made by myself and others to the Church, His Holiness allowed an extra +1 to Scottish troops in melee and morale tests, which contributed to our victory. Our losses have been negligible. Earl of Suffolk to King Edward III: Sire, I have to report a severe reverse to your army in Teviotdale. My Lord of Warwick’s forces have been scattered and the Earl himself slain. The rascal Lord Douglas took Warwick by surprise at break of day. Some dodgy dice throwing by the Earl, made worse by the ’papal +1’ enjoyed by the Scots, resulted in a total rout of Warwick’s men. Lord Percy and I are attempting to gather together such forces as we can to guard against a possible counter attack. Edward III to the Earl of Salisbury: The situation in Scotland is difficult. Douglas seems to have cornered the market in papal favour by the offer of building this damned abbey in Liddesdale, so every time we meet the Scots in battle, we’re at a disadvantage. I thought of making a similar move and building a bigger abbey on my side of the border, but I can’t afford it -- I spent all my spare cash on raising troops. Salisbury to Edward III Sire, I have hatched a cunning plan. As this Pope seems to be set against us, why don’t we have a schism and set up our own Pope, who will be better disposed to our point of view? This way, when it comes to a battle, we have an alternative umpire who is on our side. What do you think? Edward III to Salisbury I like your idea of a schism and I think I know just the person to be our alternative umpire. I’ll work on it. Edward III to Thomas Hatfield, Bishop of Durham: As your lands are all in the North of England, you are no doubt aware of the disadvantages currently being suffered by our troops when fighting the Scots. It is my belief, and that of many of my nobles, that the Pope in Rome is not fulfilling his obligations to all his flock. Therefore, having regard to your own great holiness, and the fact that your lands are vulnerable to Scots invasion, it is my proposal that you accept elevation to the office of Pope. You will, I have no doubt, have the support of many of the players - the English ones anyway. Bishop of Durham to Edward III: Sire, I have no objection to being elevated to Pope. Do any extra lands and income go with the job? I have counted up the list of players and the English are in the minority - what makes you think you will be successful in replacing the present Pope/umpire? Edward III to Bishop of Durham: Trust me. Edward III to John MacDonald, Lord of the Isles: You may know that, due to the persistence of the present incumbent of the Papal See in favouring the Scots, many of us consider him unfit to be Pontiff and intend to elevate the venerable Thomas, Bishop of Durham, in his place. As you know, we already consider you to be independent of the realm of Scotland - should you lend your support to our cause in this matter of the Pope, rest assured that you will enjoy an increase in your power. The office of Admiral of England is vacant, for instance.... Edward III to Donall MacMurrough, King of Leinster: Sir, I have a proposal to put to you, which will be much to your advantage.... Pope Christus XIII to Philip IV of France: My son, it has come to my notice that there are moves afoot, led by your royal cousin Edward of England, to set up a pretender Pope and alternative umpire in my place. Edward has been tireless, I understand, in working to gather support for this move from the other players. I appeal to your better judgement in asking that you do all in your power to support the rightful incumbent of the Papal chair. I need hardly remind you that, with the umpire on his side, you would stand little chance of defending France against Edward’s forces. Philip IV of France to the Pope: Holy father, you can rely on my support in your present difficulties. However, I feel I must point out that, if what I heard in the pub last night is true, Edward of England now has a majority of the players on his side. You must, I pray you, act quickly to prevent this unholy schism, before we all end up in the papal poo. Pope Christus to Bishop of Durham: My son, the news I have received of your intention to seek elevation to the papacy in my stead has given me much pain. I would ask you to reconsider very carefully before embarking upon this course. Should you back off from this intention, I am sure that we could arrange for the English church to be re-organised, with the See of Durham being raised to an archbishopric. Or perhaps you would prefer to be fitted for a cardinal’s hat? Consider well, as umpire you would forfeit any chance of winning the game. Bishop of Durham to the Pope: Holy father, with England’s enemies constantly favoured with a papal +1 on the battlefield, we have no chance of winning the game anyway. What have I got to lose? Pope Christus to Edward III: OK, you win. The Scots will no longer get a +1 when fighting the English. Will you cancel the papal schism now? Edward III to The Pope: Holy father, from henceforward, please consider the realm of England to have returned to the bosom of Holy Church. May you continue to exercise the office of Supreme Pontiff with such wisdom long into the future. P.S. Can my lads sack that bloody abbey now? 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