Ever wonder why your model soldiers do not fight as well as they should. Ever wonder what is in the tiny packs and/or webbing that you so carefully paint onto your soldiers? Or have you wondered what is in the boxes attached to the vehicles you paint up for your army? Could it be that they contain Condoms? Spike Milligan of the "Goons" fame (but before that of “Royal Artillery” fame and fortune) is reported as once saying: "Contraceptives should be used in every conceivable situation". How right he was. Some time ago I read an article in a Sydney newspaper which went as follows: Lurid Sex: A brush on liquid condom has gone on sale in South Africa. The liquidom consists of a bottle of vividly coloured liquid latex and a 12 mm applicator brush used to paint it directly on to the erect penis, where it dries in five to seven minutes. Now I find this hard to comprehend, as who can last for five to seven minutes? Anyway, as we are on the subject of Condoms, on with the real article. Condoms seem to have been around for a long time. Historians tell us that two thousand years ago the Chinese made them out of specially oiled paper. Roman soldiers supposedly had "macho" condoms made from the muscles of enemy they had killed in battle. For general use however the Romans would oil the bladders and short lengths of intestine of various animals. It seems that the oldest surviving condoms date from the English Civil War. In 1646 Royalist troops occupied Dudley Castle in Warwickshire. They were the last people to live in the castle. Recently archaeologists started to dig up the pits where garbage and human waste had been dumped. One curious find that they delicately extracted from the pits was a little tangle of five very thin brown leathery fragments that resembled tobacco leaves. Not knowing what they were, the fragments were sent to a leather specialist. It was noted that the fragments were made of animal tissue and probably some sort of internal membrane. After he had started to clean them the specialist realised that he had five used condoms. During the First World War the only major country involved in that conflict who did not supply condoms to its soldiers was Britain. It appears that Lord Kitchener, who was the Secretary for War was also a supporter of the White Cross Society a very "moral" society. Kitchener used his powers to ensure that Condoms were not made available to British soldiers. In the Austria, German and French Armies the rates of sexually transmitted diseases varied between two and six percent. However in the so called "moral" British Army the rate was 17.4 percent. I was once told by a former SAS soldier that when operating against Germans, he and his fellow soldiers would try and capture German Army issue condoms. These according to the storyteller were the old fashion re-useable condoms. They would then sprinkle explosive powder on the condoms and plant the items where the condoms were likely to be discovered by other German soldiers. Being in rather short supply, more often than not these condoms were picked up and pocketed by an unsuspecting user. However when this person went to use the condom and tried to roll it on, their would be a big flash and/or bang and in “one flash it was ash”. Some times, as the story goes, the explosive would not activate when the condom was installed but would go off in use. Now you would not know if you were coming or going, “being killed in action” or possibly “on active service”. Now that’s one way of undermining the morale of the enemy. Whilst not having read elsewhere about this form of under belt attack, it does at least make a good story. As well, a couple of years ago a German U-Boat was salvaged off the coast of Denmark. This vessel had been sunk in the last weeks of World War II. According to the news reports amongst the cargo were 144 condoms. Actually I believe that there was 288 Condoms but that information could not be released, as it would have been too gross to do so. It seems that to in an effort to fool allied radar the German submarine crews would release small balloons which trailed metal strips designed to float just above the water and which were designed to confuse allied radar sets. Unfortunately as the Germans ran out of balloons, condoms were issued and used instead. Hence the rather large supply found in this particular submarine. But condoms have uses above and beyond protecting users against disease and pregnancy. In World War II and subsequent conflicts, soldiers have used condoms when they cross rivers to keep their watches dry and to stop water getting into their rifle barrels. I recall many years ago being a Naval Reserve Cadet visiting a Royal New Zealand navy warship (no not a Bulk Sheep Carrier) at Port Adelaide. The New Zealand sailors had used condoms to cover the barrels of the 50 calibre machine guns mounted near the bridge. Well just remember if it is not on then it is not on. Hopefully when painting odds and sods for your soldiers you will remember to include in the same a few condoms to help keep your soldiers happy. Remember that you and your soldiers should always be prepared for any thing to happen on the tabletop. Back to Table of Contents -- Kriegspieler #9 To Kriegspieler List of Issues To MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 2000 by Kriegspieler Publications. This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com