Inside the Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu At Historicon 2002, Howard Whitehouse hosted a game called "The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu." The design of the scenario was incredibly daring in the sense that there was no design, most of the game being made up on the spur of the moment. This exercise in organized chaos was set in seven different locations, spread over five tables, accommodated at least 15 players, and five "assistant directors." The intention was to create something resembling a three-reel pulp adventure movie. The players each controlled one or more characters. The cast included Sam Spade, Indiana Jones, Hercule Poirot, Bertie & Jeeves, Major Bigglesworth, Nayland Smith, a German film crew, a Hollywood starlet, and various other colorful characters. The players were not given many details about the plot since it was so incredibly evil and complicated that any mortals foolish enough to contemplate it in its entirety would surely go mad, plus we hadn't made up a lot of the bits just yet. Roughly speaking Fu Manchu was trying to acquire powerful artifacts and a virgin sacrifice so that he could activate his Soul Engine and, dare I say it, control the world. Insert ominous thunder and maniacal laughter here. In actual practice each of the directors was free to do whatever they wanted with their scenes, and they sneered at the mere mention of thinking up logical transitions. Although Howard had, in fact, written down some rules they were largely ignored by both players and directors alike, and thank goodness for that. There was something about three attributes: Guts, Gats, and Fists. Also the heroes could call out "Cut!" and redo do a scene if things had gone badly, but mostly it was fly by the seat of your pants and Devil take the hindmost. The madness was interrupted temporarily so Otto Schmidt from The Society of Daisy could give Howard the first ever "Humor in Gaming Award." Everyone involved in the game thought it was well earned. With so much going on at once I wasn't able to keep track of all the action, but I'll report what I can. In the first reel the heroes could choose one of three locations: a hobo jungle, a ruined church, or a Greek island. Each location had a director/umpire to make up crazy stuff and keep the action going. Nigel Clarke was in charge of the ruined church where the heroes tried and failed to save the mad archaeologist's daughter who was being held prisoner in the underground crypt. At the hobo jungle Walt O'Hara had concocted a scene that included a mad scientist hiding from Al Capone, bootlegging, fire, and a serum that turned people into zombies. The action must have been pretty rough because at one point Walt called for reinforcements, "Get more gangsters, find me some with choppas." I was later informed that Hercule Poirot was burned like a Thanksgiving turkey when the booze caught fire. I can only imagine what that scene was like: Sam Spade notices the fire is spreading to the barrels of booze, and Poirot is standing right next to them. "Hey! Frenchie! Run for your life!" he hollers. Poirot, the pride of Belgium, coldly stands his ground, "How many times must I tell you? I am not French, I am BelgAAIIIIIEEEE, it burns!" On the Greek island famed movie director Eric Schnitzel was using the scenic temple ruins as a backdrop for his latest film "The Virgin and the Fiend." Fu Manchu naively assumed that the female lead of such a film must be a virgin and planned to abduct her. If he'd bothered to ask Roxy Smothers she would have told him "That boat already left the dock, doll face." To make things even more interesting Indiana Jones showed up, with his extended family, and some pushy Germans also crashed the party. C.B. Stevens directed this action packed scene. Then it was on to the second reel where the heroes again had three choices for their next scene. Some chose to go to Neolithic henge where "cabinet ministers, bishops, ambassadors and other prominent men disguise themselves in cultic robes to commit human sacrifice." Others headed for "The Egyptian tomb where curses protect the dead pharaoh." I was the director for the third location - the dinosaur finds in the Sonora desert, which actually turned out to be in Mexico. I was busy with my own scene so I missed most of the action at the other locations. I can only report that Nigel followed up the mayhem at the henge with an impromptu car chase. Ross Maker directed the action at the Egyptian tomb and it included a plane crash, a liberal dose of arrows, and it ended with a bang when someone blew the tomb up with dynamite. In my scene the heroes included the Jones family (Indy, Indy Senior, Indy Junior, Indy's wife, and Big Fat Eastern Guy) and the pushy Germans led by Colonel Rommel. I decided to use "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre" as inspiration after locating some nice bandito figures. I also found a pair of cool looking Aztecs so I shifted the scene to Mexico, and mixed in a little "Raiders of the Lost Ark." Thinking way too hard about the plot I came up with the idea that Fu Manchu needed one more ingredient for his Elixir of Life. Asian folk medicines sometimes make use of bones. The most powerful bone would, of course, come from a T. Rex, and the most potent bone of all would be the pelvis bone. Thinking fast I fashioned a bone out of a scrap of paper napkin I found on the floor. So it came to pass that Indy and his family raced to the deserts of Mexico to find the T. Rex fossil before Fu Manchu could get his bony claws on it. As they dug in the hot desert sun a scruffy man appeared and, holding his hand out, said "Stake a fellow American to a meal?" Senior gave him $20. When the man had picked his chin off the ground he warned the party that there were banditos in the area and stalked off muttering something about mugs trying to steal his goods. The players didn't know what to make of this but it was very amusing for the director (me). The Banditos arrived and insisted that they were Federales (no badges needed). Since Indy didn't have a fossil-digging license they told him he'd have to pay a "beeeg fine." Wifey decided to see if she could sweet-talk her way out of trouble. Unfortunately she was a little too charming and the bandit chief declared his intentions to abduct her, take her back to his mountain lair, and make hot Mexican love to her. It was at this point that Indy sucker punched him from behind. The chief struggled to his feet yelling, "Keeel them, keel them all. Except the girl, we'll need her later." Just then the Germans arrived. I never really figured out where they came from, but they seemed to think that Indiana Jones had stolen their heroin. And no, they weren't after the "heroine," it was "heroin," I checked. They immediately began the difficult task of forming a line so they could shoot everyone in sight. These were obviously not your high quality Prussian-type Germans but some inferior breed. As the Germans struggled to get in line Big Fat Eastern Guy waddled into action. Up until now he had spent his time sweating through his black three-piece suit, but suddenly he charged the Germans like a giant human bowling ball. Krauts went flying everywhere and Big Fat Eastern Guy finally rolled to a stop face down. It was no surprise that the Germans regained their feet before Big Fat Eastern Guy. They formed a circle around him and spent the next few turns administering a five German stomp down, but Big Fat Eastern Guy wouldn't give up and most of the blows bounced harmless off his rubbery rolls of fat. Watching with exasperation, Colonel Rommel wondered aloud "How many Germans does it take to kill one big fat guy?" The answer, he would learn later, was six. Elsewhere Indy and Indy Senior were busy punching and shooting the hapless banditos so Indy Junior and his mom went to find the bone. Junior located the artifact and showed it to his mom just as the real villain arrived. It was the evil archaeologist from "Raiders of the Lost Ark," thus breaking the Historicon record for most archaeologists in one game - eat your heart out Barry Bonds. Two dangerous looking Aztec warriors accompanied him. The Aztecs were in a surly mood because they were dressed in skintight jaguar costumes and, having been out all day in the hot sun, the chafing was starting to get to them. They attacked immediately. Junior ran for his life while his mother attempted a fighting withdrawal. A few yards away the Germans were still working on Big Fat Eastern Guy. "Aim for the bony parts," the colonel suggested helpfully. Finally, running out of patience, the five Germans held down Big Fat Eastern Guy while the Colonel strode over, took out his Luger, and shot him. Problem solved. Indy and his wife finished off one of the Aztecs so the evil archaeologist needed some reinforcements. Getting into the spirit of the game I decided that what Fu Manchu really needed to fetch the bone was a vicious snarling wolf. Turning to Walt I said, "I need a wolf." With hardly a moment's hesitation Walt handed me one. It was that kind of game. Elsewhere the Germans were rapidly exterminating the surviving banditos. The evil archaeologist decided to try a parley. "Professor Jones, if we continue to fight the Germans will kill us all. I propose a truce until the Germans have been defeated. Then we will settle our differences like gentlemen." Indy agreed. Just then a second group of banditos charged into view. These were the second stringers, banditos so incompetent that they couldn't be trusted with firearms. Waving machetes, they headed for the Germans. This was precisely the kind of distraction the Indy clan needed to spring into action. Mrs. Jones blasted the Aztec with a shotgun and Indy put a pistol bullet into the wolf. The wolf ran off yelping with his tail between his legs. The evil archaeologist could only wave his walking stick in a threatening manner and curse as Indy escaped with the bone, and the Germans fought for their lives. Fade to black. Final Scene All the surviving characters gathered together for the final scene - confronting Fu Manchu in his secret lair, conveniently located in the heart of a mountain amid the steaming jungles of Assam, or something like that. The players gamely placed their figures at the end of the table while Bigglesworth selected a heroic place to crash his plane. The heroes had to fight their way through an incredible array of dangerous encounters orchestrated by Walt O'Hara. These dangers included, but weren't limited to: hostile natives, a Chinese rocket cannon, a lost tribe of primitive humans, hot tamale lava (cleverly fashioned from the shreds of a candy box), an instant gorilla (just add water), an infernal machine, a mystical riddle ("What's black and white and red all over?"), mutant rats, and marital (or was it pre-marital?) strife. In the end most of the players made it into the heart of the fiend's lair, where other players were being held prisoner and Fu Manchu's Soul Engine was just revving up. Howard took over from an exhausted Walt for the final scene. It was a kaleidoscope of action, far too confusing and hilarious to accurately describe, but I'll try to mention most of the highlights. The Soul Engine started sparking as it approached full power, violating all kinds of FCC regulations in the process. Roxy Smothers was tied up, waiting impatiently to be rescued. One of the heroes revealed that he was really a Treasury agent and everyone cringed at the news. Fu Manchu engaged in some hilariously incongruous dialogue with Nayland Smith. Smith dramatically raced to the Soul Engine and searched for the power switch. He couldn't find it. Next he tried to pull the plug but there wasn't one. How inscrutable can you get? Fu Manchu laughed triumphantly! Someone got picked up by Fu Manchu's monster, and swung like a baseball bat. Everyone else dodged out of the way and tried not to snicker when the poor guy's head collided with the wall. Indiana Jones did something cool with his whip, pushing us precariously close to an R rating. Regaining his wits, Nayland Smith smashed the Soul Engine to bits. Someone tried to grab Fu Manchu but ended up with nothing but an empty robe. Observant players got a glimpse of the naked fiend darting down the back staircase, or at least they imagined that they did. It's an image that will linger for weeks. Meanwhile Roxy had freed herself by burning through her bonds using her cigarette. The credits rolled as Roxy pushed past the confused heroes, blowing smoke in their faces. "Out of my way, peasants, I'm a movie star!" After that there was nothing left to do except listen to everyone make up outrageous lies about what their characters had done during the game and begin planning the sequel. Back to Table of Contents -- Junior General Report #1 Back to Junior General Report List of Issues Back to MagWeb.com Magazine List © Copyright 2002 by Matt Fritz. This article appears in MagWeb.com (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other articles covering military history and related topics are available at http://www.magweb.com