I Nearly Survived "Le Grand Cirque des Pyramides" Historicon Game Report I'm a connoisseur of silly games so of course I was acquainted with Walt O'Hara's "Le Grand Cirque" race series. The game is set in an alternate reality where international disputes are settled with an annual race involving exotic and fanciful vehicles. I had missed all the previous games but I was determined to finally give it a try at Historicon 2002. I got my chance late on Saturday night. A lot of other people had the same idea. There were about 20 players, an interesting mix of youngsters, teens, and middle-aged gamers. A few of the players wandered away in the early stages of the game, but there were still about 15 of us left when the race ended around midnight. The first task was to select your vehicle. Everyone mobbed the table of figures, grabbing for their favorites. I spotted a Chinese Mandarin on a penny-farthing bicycle with, and this was the really good part, a pair of rockets attached to the bike. It was love at first sight. I immediately named him "Kung Pow." There were some weird vehicles in the race: Nancy had the Golem Mobile, Harry got the Dodo Cart, there was also a Mole Mobile, a Bat Mobile, a Green Train, a guy on rollerskates (with three rockets), a Mechanical Scorpion, a Clockwork Dragonfly, and the "Wrong Trousers," to name a few. The vehicle that had the crowd buzzing was the enormous Spiked Wheel of Doom. Al ended up with that monster, and thanks to his dry wit and charming maniacal laugh, you almost didn't mind when he rammed you from behind, reduced your vehicle to smoldering ruins, and ground your broken lifeless body into the sand. The rules were fast, fun, and easy to learn. Most of the necessary information was on a small slip of paper that you used to keep track of your vehicle's condition. The vehicles were divided into general categories based on their method of propulsion - muscle power, steam, Galvanism, clockwork, or mystical powers. Players moved their vehicles when their card came up. Each turn you would decide how hard to push your vehicle, which in turn determined how many dice you got to roll for movement. For example, I could simply "pedal" for 4D6 inches of movement, or go "pedal to metal" for 8D6-2 inches, but this would increase my fatigue. If I pushed too hard I could end up having to stop and rest. There was a similar mechanism for the other types of vehicles, but in their cases they might damage the engine, have to stop to rewind the gear, or possibly piss off one of the Elder Gods. There were a lot of vehicles on the course and many opportunities for road rage to flare up. A roll of the dice would determine the results of a collision or balance check. Judges were positioned around the track to watch for caddish behavior. If they were looking in your direction when you did something nefarious you would be given a cad check. Three cad checks resulted in expulsion. Al and his Spiked Wheel of Doom got one at the starting line. Everyone put their vehicles behind the starting line and Walt blew a few notes from a bugle to indicate the start of the race. Kung Pow was directly in front of the Spiked Wheel of Doom and he was sweating bullets, praying to his ancestors that his card would come up first. He got lucky and pedaled madly into the desert, ending up near the middle of the pack. My strategy was to run a conservative race until I saw a clear opportunity to try "pedal to the medal" and light my rockets. As a result I spent the first half of the race well back from the lead as other competitors were "stirring up the demons" and "redlining the engine." There were many hazards along the way, the most persistent being the danger of getting knocked down or rammed by other racers, particularly the dreaded Spiked Wheel of Doom. Miraculously I was able to pedal my way through a series of close calls. Harry, whose Dodo was moving with great deliberation, suggested Kung Pow was a master of Feng Shui. Whatever the cause of my good fortune I narrowly avoided being attacked by mummies as we passed the Great Pyramid. Instead they mobbed the Scorpion Mobile and I was able to slip past by tricking off the edge of the pyramid, X-Games style. The next hazard was a bridge over the Nile, which created a bottleneck. The Dragon Fly Racer turned over trying to get onto the bridge and all the other vehicles rammed him as they went past. Even Kung Pow stopped pedaling long enough to aim a kick in his direction. Meanwhile Harry's Dodo was alternately scratching in the sand and staring at the sun. Some spectators suspected he had been drugged by a nefarious international cartel. The game proceeded at a steady pace. Because of the large number of participants it took a while to get through the whole deck of cards. Fortunately the crowd was in a lively mood, and even the occasional bugle solo, make out sessions, beer runs, and ballistic cows couldn't slow down the action for long. Although one cow did score a direct hit on Hal Dyson's vehicle and he lost a turn cleaning up the mess. As we rounded the corner we had to stop and answer a riddle from the Sphinx. If you got it right you were rewarded with an infusion of mystical energy, if you got it wrong the Sphinx would try to knock you over. Kung Pow got it right and that put him in position to make his move. I went for the "pedal to medal" maneuver and got a great roll. Weaving through the traffic like a drunken sailor I raced into the lead. For one, brief, thrilling moment I was in first place, nearly two full inches ahead of the Mole Mobile! Then Nancy and her Golem cut in front of me and sent poor Kung Pow sprawling in the dirt. By the time he got back to his feet and finished cursing her out he was in fifth place. The Mole Mobile was building a lead. Even when the ghostly Pharoah's Chariot raced out of the small pyramid he didn't swerve or even slow down. A pack of Anubis warriors attacked him but he kept moving and they could only chase his bumper, yapping impotently as he headed for the finish line. The Mole Mobile crossed the finish line first, followed closely by a weird egg shaped vehicle. The Dragon Racer took third in style, flying through the ring of fire. I've always believed that if you can't win then the next best thing is a spectacular defeat. If Kung Pow put the pedal to the metal and lit his rockets he would get 14D6 inches of movement. Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to make the necessary turns to reach the finish line in the conventional fashion. Some quick mental math and surreptitious distance estimation indicated that if I could use the small pyramid as a take off ramp I might be able to plummet to my death an inch or two over the finish line in one glorious parabolic move. My card came up and I grabbed a double fist full of dice and rolled - lots of fives and sixes, this was going to work. The only obstacle was a balance check on the take-off. I rolled the dice….failed. As Kung Pow pedaled wildly towards the pyramid he hit a small rut. The penny-farthing bicycle nosed down just as the rockets ignited, catapulting him into the face of the pyramid at bone crushing speed. His remains were taken back to China in a dozen mason jars. Walt says the next race will be in the jungles of Yucatan. Don't miss it. Back to Table of Contents -- Junior General Report #1 Back to Junior General Report List of Issues Back to MagWeb.com Magazine List © Copyright 2002 by Matt Fritz. This article appears in MagWeb.com (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other articles covering military history and related topics are available at http://www.magweb.com