To: French Consul, Hanoi Station From: Colonel Clouseau,Panape Friendship Mission

Sir, with regret, I must tell you that our "Trade Mission" to Panape was a failure. My vessel, the republican Ship "Weasel," had been re-routed to this dirty little island to investigate trade possibilities and to check on Human Rights violations by the Governor of this flea infested piece of volcanic debris.

On arrival off the port facilities, we noticed that we were not the only foreign vessel or force in the area. As we "Peacefully" sailed into the bay, an American warship began to shell the town! Mainly, the local business area was unscathed, but the Whore House was fired on point blank, but .... they missed it ?

Being on a Mission of Peace, we steamed out of the bay, accompanied by an Italian Torpedo Boat -- Captained by a Mr. Ravioli, I think. We conversed with their minister and his wife on the rear fantail of our ship until they inched over their torpedo tubes -- as we rotated all our weapons to the rear also -- they agreed that their action was foolish and it was time to go back to town to try and find a friend of his -- a Mr. Wong Hung Low from Peking. A Boxer, he said. Or a fighter? Noticing some natives on the beach, we spied what we were warned of -White Women held captive by the local cannibals! Alas, there were TWO seperate tribes of them and so we made plans to go into "harms way" to save these damsels!

I disembarked 10 Marines and 10 Legionaires to attempt a rescue. However, as we "slowly" inched across the bay and sandy beach, we noticed that the natives had "accidently FOUND" two Galling Guns in the bush, and fully functional! And, no matter how much equipernent and clothing we took off, we could not outrace the natives, who tugging the White Captives or towing the afore mentioned heavy artillery were twice as fast as my Elite Stike Force! Sacre'bleu !

Fearing for their safety, we opened fire on the natives with our weapons. We did not want them to be taken to the local feast and be the main course! The sporadic firing on the beach and town area by the Germans, Spanish and Americans was continual -- two to three weapons firing each turn. So, when our troops fired on the Blowgun and Bow armed Natives - we fired 28 rifles, 2 deck guns and one Gardner MG into them -- we took out all 10 of them, but the fiendish Blowguns were the Modified Mark 3 Variety that blew darts out to 25" and we surcumbed to a plethera of Native Poison Darts and Gatling rounds! We left 18 men on the beach, lost the women and fired on no Europeans -- we did not see any!

So .... we sailed home ......