you have more than one shelf in your closet reserved for unpainted figures you refer your kids as your subordinate generals you are fluent in Barkerese you always keep a spare pair of dice with you your kids are named "Alexander", "Bohemond", "Zenobia", "Jeanne" etc you refer your home as your baggage or as your stronghold you have more than twenty kilos of unpainted lead your game store clerks know you by your first name you plan your vacations by the schedule of the gaming tournaments you know all the names of the parts of a Medieval suit of armour ...but not the parts of your washing machine you call your spouse as your regular ally general you no longer Latinize, but instead you traslitterate, Greek names you have more than twenty kilos of painted lead too you have a toast to Charles the Rash when you have a glass of Burgundy wine your local SCA people refer you as a heraldry geek "Bourbon" means something else than a foul-tasting American alcoholic beverage ...and you pronounce it in the French way (boo-rh-bohn) you spend your beer money for buying figures you read Bible as a period primary source for your chariot army you are more interested about the history of your army than its tournamentability you can spell easily "Györgi Kastriota Skanderbeg" but not the names of your friends you prefer "Marcus Ulpius Traianus" instead of just "Trajan" ...but you are unsure whether to prefer "Heraclius" or "Iraklios" ...and after him, you use katharevusa to translitterate the Byzantine names it annoys when someone pronounces "Celtic" with "s" you plan to build a bigger garage to fit your gaming board in you know exactly where Cilician Armenia is but you are not quite sure of Wyoming you have sudden spells of impetuosity you think re-founding the Kingdom of Jerusalem would solve the Palestine Crisis you regret you are too old to enlist and make career as a real life soldier you think distances in paces instead of real life units you refer Mitsubishi Lancer as "cataphract" ...and you realize Alfa Romeo logo sports St. George's Cross and the Visconti arms you design your own coat-of-arms, or if you already have one, use it as your emblem you are fluent in estimating distances in fractions of millimeter ...and angles by degree you no longer need a ruler or a compass either you ponder whether you may subtract any gaming expenses in taxation you can't stand The Bold and The Beautiful awake, but you can game an all-nighter you know the coats of arms of various countries better than their flags you introduce your spouse to gaming as well ...and s/he beats you on regular basis you have more than five 10/0 brushes you consider it dressing badly when the clothes don't conform heraldic tincture rules you don't remember your country's historical dates, but know exactly theancients "War of the Roses" does NOT mean a lousy human relations' flick to you you remember all the battles of the 100 Years War by heart you know who Ferdinand and Isabella were, but not Juan Carlos you know what SPQR, AEIOU, GMU and IHS stand for you cast better figures by yourself than most manufacturers do you consider Mongols as nice chaps with a slightly eccentric lifestyle you have your spell checker with words "xyston", "psiloi", "cataphract" etc. The Phil's wife is annoyed if you refer her as "Mrs. Barker" instead of "Sue" your hobby shop gives you volume discounts you don't speak about Istanbul, but Constantinople... or better still, Konstantinopolis "Barbarossa" doesn't refer any more to WWII, but to Holy Roman Empire you have debates which were greater emperors, Hohenstaufen or Habsburgs you have a white nightgown with a large black cross on both front and back skirt is just OK for guys if worn in combination with some kind of armour you have all the Osprey Men-At-Arms books available you have also all the WRG books available you have a debate who is a better author, Ian Heath or David Nicolle you know the difference between katana and tachi all your Christmas, Birthday etc presents are connected to gaming you know everything about period architecture but you aren't an architect you visit a nearby historical battlefield while on a business trip you don't remember your kids' birthdays, but do remember the generals' in your army "Dark Ages" weren't actually so dark; they were bloody as well you don't own a firearm but you have a crossbow (and you shoot better with it) you begin to blazon traffic signs adjective "Byzantine" sounds actually positive and respectable ...but you'd still prefer Rhomanoi, or Eastern Imperial you have no troubles with the language while on vacation in Greece you think Shakespeare is a slandering bastard who committed libel on Richard III you know Latin so well you can cope with native Italians ...and they think you've learnt your Italian in Piedmonte or Toscana "Imperialist" isn't a political slogan, but an allusion to medieval Germans you treat "German" and "Teutonic" as different attributes you threat to defenestrate your kids if they are naughty you threat to decimate your kids if they continue to be naughty "New Model Army" is no more a rock band to you you seriously think about joining a free company instead just a militia Games Workshop is a worse example of monopoly capitalism than Microsoft you become interested in genealogy so you can trace your roots to certain period chess is for dullards with no imagination if you are a girl, you have a lot of dates ..and if you are a guy, you think about a sex change so you could have a lot of dates your spouse calls the local game store instead of pub to find you you have a bumper sticker "Gamers do it with a strategy !" you know all the fax numbers of your favorite figure manufacturers by heart you consider watching TV as waste of good time which should be used to painting your spouse loves you as you spend a lot of time at home, painting and modeling you begin to develop the personal traits of your army's historical C-in-C your University history teacher refers you as his reference Tom Clancy is for geeks and Froissart is for real gamers Marion Zimmer Bradley is for geeks and Anna Komnena is for real gamers fantasy stuff sucks and feels infantile mail is no longer something you get from post office, but something you wear ...under your everyday clothes you no longer think figures as chunks of lead, but real miniature men you ponder which company makes 15 mm white metal widows and orphans Back to Dispatch Dec. 99 Table of Contents Back to Dispatch List of Issues Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 1999 by HMGS Mid-South This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. 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