Is the sound of daisy cutters keeping you up all night? Are you tired of sleeping in that cold dark cave wondering if and when you will ever eat again? Did the boss skip town and leave you holding the bag? Is the Northern Alliance causing you more grief than camel hairs in your milk? Then we have just the thing for you! Gitmo Resorts in collaboration with the US military is proud to offer this once in a lifetime opportunity. If you are or have been a member in good standing with either the Taliban or Al Qaeda then you could be the lucky recipient of a luxurious vacation in beautiful Guantanamo Bay Cuba. To see if you qualify, simply visit one of the US Marine detachments located conveniently near your cave. If you are selected then you will be whisked away in one of our finest, state of the art, transport planes. Upon arrival at the Gitmo Resort you will be pampered beyond your wildest dreams. Worried about what to wear? No problem! We will furnish you with a brand new wardrobe at our expense. We will even provide plenty of hot water for showers that were at one time only a dream for you and your buddies. You can forget about sleeping on the hard ground of that cave with barely a blanket to cover you. All of our guests sleep on top quality mattresses while enjoying the comforts of a modern climate controlled environment. You will be the envy of all your friends back in Afghanistan as you relax in a tropical paradise and eat three square meals a day. Worried about security? No need to worry about that. Armed guards will be with you 2417. You can forget about that pesky Northern Alliance and devote all of your attention to Allah. We will even provide signs that point the way to Mecca. Just listen to what Amhad "The Goat" Rushoubi is saying. about his stay at the resort: "I joined Al Qaeda after a blind date in Kabul went terribly wrong. I thought it would give me a sense of fulfillment. After many months of living in the cold with very little to eat, I decided to try the Gitmo Getaway package. It was more than a pleasant surprise to see real Fruit Loops for the first time. They taste so much better than month-old cheese. The people here think of everything. Some of the security people are women who do not cover their faces! I got very excited when I saw them." Need we say more? So if you think you might qualify for this incredible opportunity then walk, don't run, to the nearest American military unit near your cave. Be sure to specify the American plan as other offers might leave you eating grass in a wooden cage. Sign up today before this offer expires. Some restrictions apply. (Offer good for a limited time only to members of Al Qaeda or the Taliban. You must be actively engaged in military actions or conspiracies against the United States. Some recipients of this offer may be required to wear shackles at the discretion of the military hosts. Length of stay subject to immediate termination by Military tribunal, legal action, repatriation or firing squad.) Back to Dispatch August 2002 Table of Contents Back to Dispatch List of Issues Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 2002 by HMGS Mid-South This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com