Pilot Hell A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and chooses door # 3. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door # 3 is flight attendant hell." Q. What is the ideal cockpit crew? A. A pilot and a dog ... the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything. Q. How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? A. Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. Q. How do you know if a pilot is at your party? A. He'll tell you. Q. What do pilots use for birth control? A. Their personality. Q. What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine? A. A jet engine stops whining soon after landing. Q. What is the difference between a pilot and a pig? A. The pig doesn't turn into a pilot after 6 beers. Pilot Heaven A guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there the line stretches from where he is standing (the back) out of view for miles. He stands in line for hours, without it moving. Hours turn into days, but the line still has not moved. He gets out of line and walks to the front where he finds St. Peter. "Saint Peter," he says "how come I have to stand in this line. I was a good man all of my life, I followed the commandments, I went to church, how come I can't just get into heaven?" "Sorry," says Peter, "but there are so many people entering heaven these days that it takes months to check everyone out. You are just going to have to wait your turn." The man turns his head back to the end of the line when he sees a man dressed in a flight suit walking up to the gate. His boots are shined as bright as mirrors, his flight suit is pressed and impeccable, and his Captain's bars shine on his flight cap like the sun. He walks right up to the gate, throws Peter a salute, and strolls on in. "What's the deal with that guy, why does he get to skip line and walk right in?" asked the man. "Oh, that's just God. He likes to pretend he's an Marine helicopter pilot," says Peter. Pilot Time On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is a Delta Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force flight, it is 1500. If it is a Navy flight, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army flight, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps flight, it is Thursday afternoon." Back to Dispatch April 2001 Table of Contents Back to Dispatch List of Issues Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 2001 by HMGS Mid-South This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com