1. Due to budget cuts, the following policies are announced regarding all personnel traveling on official Army business. These policies are effective immediately.
2. Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure on official trips. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and the lowest fare will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
3. Lodging: All staff and faculty are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on official travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
4. Meals: Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as General Nutrition Centers and Piggly Wiggly stores, often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective to personnel traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed the entire group. Personnel are also encouraged to bring their own food while on official business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
5. Entertainment: Entertainment while on travel is stricly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on fund raising contacts, the fund provider should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such action will save Army money and also convince the fund provider that we are concerned about spending money on providing a good product, not on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to our funding agencies who visit our facilities shall also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot near a dumpster and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be provided for our guests.
6. Miscellaneous: All personnel are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all personnel prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to personnel so that sales may be made as time permits.
FOR THE COMMANDER: CHE P. SKATE, COL, FIN
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