Some general wargaming rules as related by and sent from Howard Whitehouse. This looks humorously like Bob Duncan's Rules for Evil Overlords (MB).
The delightful e-mail that le CHIEN MAUVAIS sent us inspired me to think about general colonial behavior - as depicted in the movies. I'm sure the hive mind - based on our jungle hackneyed plot thread - would excel at this.
For example:
Bad guys:
1. Never go on top of a train or out on a ledge after a good guy.
2. Never own a pet more lethal than an earthworm - you're sure to be eaten by it eventually.
3. Never build an elaborate method of execution for a good guy - simply shoot them - preferably without talking.
4. Stop leaving one member of the garrison alive to tell the tale.
5. Never ever take Shirley Temple hostage. (For more reasons than one - I know, we've been down this road before.)
6. It you follow Islam, don't leave a pig skin lying about - someone will wrap you in it.
7. Never let a pair of European soldiers sign on to "help you become a great King."
8. Don't leave women captives anywhere near the gun locker.
9. Never fight the hero mano-el-mano, no matter how much bigger, stronger, fresher you are.
10. Don't run away if you suddenly hear a bugle call.
11. Stay away from bridges over gorges.
12. If posing as a deity to get local tribes to carry out your nefarious schemes - keep a fast horse handy.
13. Never explain your plan to a captive.
14. Don't rescue survivors of unexpected shipwrecks, train derailments or airplane crashes.
15, If in the jungle, wear a life-vest - you're more than likely to wind up in quicksand.
16. It in a Tarzan film, shoot Cheetah at the first opportunity.
17. When your opponent is lying helpless and unable to prevent you from polishing them off - get away at once.
18. Unless it's the first battle of the movie, however many troops you send charging in are not likely to be enough.
19. Europeans can make cannons out of ordinary household utensils - don't forget that.
20. Do not decorate your fortress/lair's walls with swords, spears or other weaponry.
Good Guys:
1. Don't drink it.
2. Never accept a dinner invite.
3. Never trust a local potentate.
4. That goes double for the potentate's chief advisor.
5. Carry two pistols - one is sure to jam or run out of bullets just before you get conked on the head. But pack a lot of aspirin anyway, because you'll get conked on the head no matter what you do.
6. Don't kiss the really good looking native girl.
7. Never pay your bearers in advance - they're bound to run away or get eaten/killed before the movie is over anyway.
8. Never trust the local law.
9. Never trust anyone with a fancy waistcoat.
10. Remember that every stream in Africa is loaded with crocodiles - or from time to time American alligators.
11. Don't fear quicksand - somehow you'll get out of it.
12. Never pick up any native work of art that happens to be laying around. It's either cursed or booby-trapped.
13. Shoot the following people on sight: Peter Lorre, Herbert Lom, Sidney Greenstreet, Turan Bey, Raymond Massey or John Carradine.
14. Never agree to help someone find a forgotten city, attractive woman's lost relative or the elephant's graveyard.
15. Never read an old scroll, book, tablet or parking ticket aloud.
16. Remember all mummies come to life.
17. Stay out of caves and tunnels.
18. The car you are escaping in always has something wrong with it - usually it's the brakes.
19. It's always a trap.
20. There is at least one more enemy battalion hiding in the trees or behind the rise.
21. Have no fear of snipers. They will either miss with the first shot, or kill someone next to you.
22. Carry bactine (an antiseptic spray for minor hurts - often described as "boo-boos" by parents with small children). After wrestling a bear/lion/tiger or croc, there will be three non-bleeding red scratches on your shoulder. For a really bad fight there will be three on your cheek as well. Do not however bandage them as the malaria laden air is evidently an aid to fast healing.
GENERAL AND SPECIALIZED CHARACTERS
1. Never be the best friend or second in command or top sergeant of the leading man, or the bad guy's henchman.
2. Never walk point or bring up the rear.
3. Do not be a collector of exotic animals, vegetables or minerals - you're sure to get yours just as your hand closes in on the rare Himalayan chocolate carrot, or as your net has just landed on the distressed pumpkin morpho butterfly.
4. Never make camp anywhere near anything that can fall on you.
5. Don't check out strange noises in the bush.
6. Edge away from anyone who says "It's just a load of silly superstition."
7. If you come across a lonely scientist in a hut with a lot of bubbling multi-colored fluids in strange science shapes glassware - beat feet.
8. Remember, elephants always stampede and rhinos always charge.
9. Don't drink, eat or smoke anything that was intended for the hero's consumption - especially if given to him by a native.
10. Don't go back for something you dropped or forgot.
11. Never be the first man up a scaling ladder, a sentry in a really tall watch tower, or the first native American to leap on the stage coach.
12. Don't stand next to the guy who says "Of course the Maharajah can be trusted, I've known him for years."
13. Ditto for the guy who says "I don't think thugs/leopard men/shape changers exist." (a variant of #6)
14. Get very nervous if you hear a military officer - especially a senior one - say "We can protect you."
15. Run from any child fiddling with anything that remotely resembles a weapon.
16. Never stand near Charlton Heston.
17. Call dibbs on Harry Carey's watch early.
18. Never be the leading man's CO.
19. It you're fat or wear glasses your chances of survival are marginal.
20. If you're fat and wear glasses your chances of survival are almost non-existent.
21. The only thing worse than taking the window seat on a stage coach is being the driver or the guy that starts out as "shotgun."
Back to Dispatch January 2001 Table of Contents
Back to Dispatch List of Issues
Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List
© Copyright 2001 by HMGS Mid-South
This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com