I've recently wondered how the trend of replacing human customer service representatives with computers could affect the military. Here's the result. Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support, making a phone call and hearing the following: Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery support request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible. For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW. [In enemy language: If you are a member of the [enemy country] army, we will not be able to assist you. Please contact your own army's artillery support request line at 1-800-DIEYANK] If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1. If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2. If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3. If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4. If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu. Please select the type of fire mission you would like. If you would like 81 mm mortars, please press 1. If you would like 105 mm howitzers, please press 2. If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates. If you would like to request the use of chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible. Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please remember to verify your coordinates and remember that your request may take several minutes to process. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] You have entered co-ordinates 323451. If this is correct, please press 1. Thank you. Please enter your battalion passcode, followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your passcode, we will begin processing your request. If you have forgotten your passcode, please contact 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary passcode. Please enter your passcode now. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] Thank you. [Pause] Your passcode has been verified and your request will be processed. We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible. Thank you for using the 26th Division's artillery request support line. Back to Dispatch Apr 2000 Table of Contents Back to Dispatch List of Issues Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 2000 by HMGS Mid-South This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com