All good Southerners already know this, but in fairness to those Yankees (northerners visiting the South) or Damn Yankees (Northerners who visit the South and stay) who may venture south, there are some things you need to know. Southerners who may have Yankees visiting this season, please pass this along. 1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know. 2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whoop a man's butt for less than that. 3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a merciless beating. Down south, it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi. 4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy butts who get to play Utah every week. 5. Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g., Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb; we know better! 6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave. 7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended, and for God's sake, don't put sugar in your grits. 8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster. 9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your Yankee butt back home. 10. We don't play lacrosse, or any of those other sissy-butt northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We simply don't care. 11. We know how to speak proper English; we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz; you have to know how to do it right first. 12. Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how to bar-b-q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. You're lucky that we let you come down here in the first place, so don't push your luck! Back to Dispatch Apr 2000 Table of Contents Back to Dispatch List of Issues Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 2000 by HMGS Mid-South This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com