1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five. 2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal. 3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events. 4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.) 5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode. 6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period. 7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes. 8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep. 9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night. 10. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your neighbor. Back to Cry Havoc #35 Table of Contents Back to Cry Havoc List of Issues Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 2001 by David W. Tschanz. This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com