The Art of War, compiled over two thousand years ago by the warrior philosopher Sun Tzu, states that a master warrior knows the psychology and mechanics of combat. According to Sun Tzu, an inner voice, a sixth sense developed by the training of the mind and body and nurtured by tasks that enhance these skills causes the master warrior to penetrate and counter the opposition's every tactic with a minimum of effort. Although no major battle has been fought on American soil in over a century, the quintessential master warrior can be observed practicing those skills on any given Saturday, at any given mall, in full battle regalia when a 75%-off lady' shoes sale is advertised. The following is an account of the conduct of these master warriors. The call to battle had been issued through the daily newspaper. An innocuous (and paid for) notice read: 75% Off Shoes Including Brand Names Like Evan Picone, Nickels, Dr. Martins, Cole Hann, Born And Easy Spirit. The ASM (area sales manager) strategist had plotted with precision to lure even the most discriminating shopper like moths to the flame. The master plan was for the ASMs to work the trenches by de-tissuing the boxes of shoes and placing them on the sales table while the ground troops, consisting of ASPs (Associate Sales Personnel) channeled the advancing horde to the free fire zone (FFZ). However, military intelligence is an oxymoron. Just as Allied planner has failed to note the hedgerows in the push from Normandy beaches n World War II, the ASMS underestimated the difficulty in holding such terrain. Another fatal error made and ignored for the moment was the woeful state of ASP preparedness. Game they might be, but these critical front-line operative consisted of mostly of the graduating class of '97 and '98 whose battle training consisted entirely of a film on sexual harassment -- and which had not prepared them for the pace and intensity of the day's events. Meanwhile, outside the locked doors, master warriors assembled, in ones and twos, for the invasion. The noise they made was like the drone of an ancient bagpipe: militaristic, dissonant and terrifying to the green troops on the other side of the glass barrier. A "volunteer" was plucked from the ASPs and sent forth on what one ASM deemed a suicide mission. Gingerly she opened the door, then deftly maneuvered out of the way as the human wave surged forth. Wielding their platinum cards like long swords, the first berserkers, their faces painted with Estee Lauder instead of wode, led the attack. Quickly on their heels, dispersing across the store on multiple routes with the skill of Attila's Huns, wave after wave converged on the shoe department. It was the moment of truth. ASMs could not stock the trenches with supplies fast enough as warrior after warrior deftly gouged out huge holes in inventory. Green ASPS often turned tail and ran to the safety of the break room. The war cry of victory drowned out the staccato fire of cash registers. At the end of the day, the department was gutted. Children were left crying in their strollers. Piles of discarded shoes lined the aisles. The psychological havoc wrought was devastating. Many of the ASPs were heard on the phone begging their parents for another try at college -- or even Burger King. Surveying the scene the ASMS gathered together in secret conclave and swore to each other a solemn blood oath to be out of retail by Christmas. While at home the master warriors were alive and well, gleefully gloating over their booty. But there is one aspect in which Sun Tzu would not approve-- this horde was bloodthirsty. This is Janet's first submission to Cry "Havoc!" She is currently working on an article on women in combat. Back to Cry Havoc #28 Table of Contents Back to Cry Havoc List of Issues Back to MagWeb Master Magazine List © Copyright 1999 by David W. Tschanz. This article appears in MagWeb (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com