“You have thirty seconds to tell me how you get out alive,” Howard Whitehouse declared. There was a pause, and then the ideas came pouring out.
“I slip out the back door!”
“I run really fast.”
“I jump out a window and climb down the wall with suction cups.”
“I grab a dead Nazi and use his body to surf down the stairs.”
Everyone had a plan except for the Gestapo officer, and nobody would mourn his passing.
The heroes fled the pyramid as it exploded, sending rubble flying in all directions. A large rock landed, conveniently, on the head of a Tyrannosaurus Rex that was lurking outside the pyramid (we can’t have any loose ends). As the dust settled director Erich von Schnitzel poked his head out of the rubble and called to his cameraman.
“Did you get that? Good. That’s a wrap!” It was the dramatic end to “The Crystal Skulls of Atlantis,” a game designed to play like a 1930’s style pulp adventure movie, with three action packed reels and nine movie sets. One thing we like about the game is the clever trick of playing a scene until it reaches an exciting finish, then picking up the characters and putting them right into another scene. Of course the action in one scene may bear little in common with the next since we can’t be bothered with trivial matters like thinking up logical transitions. You get to enjoy the heart of several scenes, like watching just the best parts of a movie, or watching the highlights from a sporting event.
The idea for this game comes from the imagination of Howard Whitehouse. The rules – known as ‘Astounding Tales’ - are very simple. Each character has a rating of 1 - 6 in categories called Fists, Gats, Smarts, and Stunts. Heroes, of course, sometimes have outrageously high ratings in some categories. For the extras a single rating for all categories is sufficient. Once the scene starts the action is resolved by checking the appropriate category and trying to roll under your rating. There’s an open-ended list of special skills with names like “femme fatale” and “Mack the knife” that can affect the die roll. The roll is also modified depending on the difficulty of the task and the mood of the referee.
Two unusual rules are the “Cut” and the “Interrupt.” The Cut allows a player to have a second chance. This comes in handy when you fail the die roll during a car chase and the vehicle rolls over and bursts into flames. Third degree burns aren’t very heroic, so just call out “cut” and try again. The Interrupt rule is also very useful since the villains usually like to tell the heroes what they’re going to do before they actually do it. When the bad guy announces that he’s going to push the scary red button and blow up his secret lair, with everyone inside, it’s time for the heroes to invoke the Interrupt rule.
The rules matter little, however (Howard denies this, because he wants you to buy them when they come out). Last year Matt neglected to read them before directing his scene in “The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu.” No one seemed to notice. Improvisation is expected. The key to the game is the amazing group of players that Howard is able to assemble. It starts with his reputation for putting on games that are hilarious fun. It also helps that his game descriptions are written to attract the right sort of gamers (and repel the wrong sort of gamers). This year’s entry went like this:
“Lost in the mists of antiquity, the sacred crystal skulls of antiquity blah blah blah conquer the world! Thrills-a-minute as gangsters, headhunters, mad cultists, femmes fatales in silky underwear and square-jawed heroes fight through episodes of a plot so incredible we haven’t thought it up yet! An amazing old time movie serial set in the Amazon, old Cairo, London and Transylvania, all shot on a Hollywood back lot. Save the planet, win the girl, crash planes into volcanoes, smoke unfiltered cigarettes and drink bad liquor -”
The players are given colorful characters to portray and encouraged to ham it up. Witty dialogue is encouraged, and often rewarded. The directors provide a series of exotic locations, and a steady stream of villains to keep the action moving. This year’s game, a sequel of sorts to last year’s “Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu,” attracted about 25 players. Interestingly – and characteristically of Howard’s convention games – the group was made up of a real mixture of people beyond the wargaming stereotypes of overweight middle-aged white men (that group comprised the directors): 25% female, 25% youngsters, 12% visible minorities, 0% angry guys in SS T-shirts. Everyone was sweaty, but that’s because it was hot as the Amazon jungle; no plumbers’ cleavage was spotted at any time. The cast included some terrific performers.
Making a triumphant return was Roxy Smothers, a worldly starlet from Hollywood (by way of Hoboken). Roxy is like Madonna, but with more ego and less talent. Her director for this feature was Erich von Schnitzel, played with gusto and a funny German accent. Another stand out performer was the fellow playing The Shadow. He had his own fedora, and an encyclopedic knowledge of pulp adventure stories. Perhaps the brightest star was the gentleman playing Biggles, who had the part down cold. He drew raves from Nigel Clarke.
“Brilliant performance Biggles, you were way over the top in every scene” Nigel gushed.
“Over the top? I have no idea what you’re talking about” Biggles deadpanned.
The directors for this game included Howard, of course, as well as Dave Markley, Nigel Clarke, and Matt Fritz. The plot (and I use the term loosely) of this film focused on the fabled Crystal Skulls of Atlantis. In the first reel the heroes learn of the existence of the skulls, and battle Fu Manchu’s henchmen for possession of the mystical artifacts.
The players were sent to one of four locations for the first reel. Howard directed a scene in which the Hollywood crew and Biggles tangled with Fu Manchu’s henchmen in a Chinese village. Since Howard was handing out various figures, papers, dice etc. he was late to the scene, but found that the players had already started without him. The director was arguing with the already inebriated Roxy over camera angles, while Biggles planned the most dangerous way of setting a seaplane down in a harbour. A passer-by was shanghai’d into running a party of drunken US sailors who were quite unfairly being thrown out of a bar after trying to steal the owner’s lucky souvenir crystal skull. The umpire did intervene in the action to introduce a group of Chinese soldiers who wanted to audition their kung-fu skills, and another group of Chinese ‘Big-Sword-Men’ who effectively closed the scene by appearing at a full charge to audition their ‘beheading the westerners’ skills. Everyone who could left in Biggles’ plane – for the Yukon, apparently.
Dave directed the “Caverns Under Chicago” scene. Deep under the city of Chicago lies a nearly unknown series of caverns. Gangsters smuggle liquor into the city via the underground river without ever realizing that a Crystal Skull of Atlantis lies buried within the caves. You didn’t know there were caverns under Chicago? Well Howard assured us that he had thoroughly researched the subject.“I saw it in a movie once, maybe,” he stated confidently.
The Crystal Skull and illegal gin drew The Shadow, Sam Spade, Indiana Jones, and their sidekicks into the gloom of the caverns. The Jones family searched for the skull while the Shadow crept about, and Sam Spade watched from the shadows. A squad of German soldiers represented the forces of badness in this scene, and of course Mugsy Malone and his muscle were nearby to keep an eye on their smuggling operation.
All was quiet except for the occasional thunk of Shadow operatives slipping on wet rocks and the sound of hammer on stone as Jones Sr. searched a cave. Several German Soldiers pointed their flashlights at the river and were surprised when two large eyes were revealed on the water’s surface. Suddenly the distinctive roar of an MG34 shattered the silence as the German machine gunner opened fire, murdering an innocent crocodile.
Gunfire erupted throughout the caverns as the Shadow’s operatives and Germans started a firefight. Even the Shadow took a break from clouding men’s minds to try and kill the German soldier armed with a flamethrower. At the same time two thugs jumped Sullah and fisticuffs ensued. Sam Spade, recognizing the gangsters, opened fire with his .38, managing to hit Sullah instead of the mobster he was wrestling. Indy leapt into action and flattened another thug with the old whip around the ankle trick.
The rest of the gangsters were about to start a symphony with their Chicago Pianos when the director realized this reel was almost out of film. As if on cue a stray round finally hit the fuel tank of the flamethrower, which naturally exploded in a most dramatic fashion. As the characters scrambled to escape the caverns, Short Round glimpsed a reflection near the cave floor and pulled out the Crystal Skull.
Matt’s scene took place in the heart of the Congo. The Phantom, his wolf Devil, some friendly pygmies, Tarzan, Jane, and Cheetah the chimpanzee were headed to the Lost City of the Crocodile Men to search for Dr. Zaius. Kasper Gutman, Joel Cairo, and Miss Wonderley were leading an expedition on behalf of Fu Manchu. Their mission - get the crystal skull by any means necessary.
Both sides reached the Lost City (more of a village, really) at the same time. What an amazing coincidence! Both were surprised to learn that the Crocodile Men were not, as they had assumed, natives wearing crocodile skins, but rather a race of nasty lizardmen. The lizardmen moved swiftly to repel the invaders. Gutman sent his hired African spearmen to fight the lizardmen while he, Miss Wonderley, and Cairo tried to shoot their way to the pyramid, where the lizard shaman was guarding the crystal skull.
The Phantom, Devil and the pygmies also engaged the lizardmen. Cheetah’s screeching distracted the lizardmen long enough for Tarzan to slip past them, leap atop one of the huts, and rescue Dr. Zaius. The doctor quickly explained the importance of the crystal skull, and begged the heroes to prevent it from falling into the hands of the villains.
The lizardmen, annoyed by Cheetah’s antics, sent a swamp monster to kill the pesky chimpanzee. Cheetah vaulted onto the monster’s back, driving the beast into a blind rage, then jumped to safety as it stampeded through the village, lashing the lizardmen with its tail and gobbling them up like they were popcorn shrimp.
On the other side of the village Gutman was encountering heavy resistance. The lizardmen tried to roll a boulder onto the villains, but some spearmen prevented this with some well executed stabbing. Suddenly Joel Cairo went down with an arrow in his belly. Gutman tried everything he could think of to help Joel. He tried berating him, mocking him, threatening him, and did I mention berating him? Nothing seemed to work! Joel remained crumpled on the ground moaning.
“I think the arrow is poisoned” Joel gasped.
“Quit your excuses and get back to work, you lazy good for nothing” Gutman shot back. But the pep talk didn’t work. Joel was out of action. Gutman and Miss Wonderley went back to shooting at the lizardmen, making little progress. The heroes seized the initiative.
Tarzan raced towards the pyramid but he was intercepted by a massive Stegadon with a howdah full of lizardmen on its back. Tarzan jumped into the howdah and started pitching the lizardmen out one by one, but he was losing precious time.
The Phantom sprang into action, toppling a heavy stone obelisk onto the pyramid, squashing the luckless shaman. The crystal skull slipped from his claws and fell onto the steps of the pyramid. Cheetah raced up the obelisk to retrieve it but was forced back by a hail of bullets from Gutman and Miss Wonderley. Devil decided to try his luck. He dashed up the steps, dodging bullets, arrows, and javelins, and grabbed the skull, then ran the gauntlet again to deliver the skull to the Phantom. As the scene faded to black the triumphant heroes headed home, while Gutman and Miss Wonderley vented their frustration on poor Joel Cairo.
In the second reel the heroes attempt to intercept Fu Manchu’s agents as they transport the crystal skulls to their master. Once again they chose one of four scenes. Howard directed a scene in the Canadian arctic, which included French Canadian trappers with bad accents and a pack of Ice devils and their dog-things. It was rather as if Jack London and HP Lovecraft had cooperated on a scene before PG Wodehouse revised it as a comedy. Biggles sent his hapless sidekick Bertie to beg for some hot water for a nice cup of tea, French Pierre refused, an ice-devil-dog bit Bertie; there was a lot of shooting at these ungodly creatures (who fell down but got up again) while Roxy used her cigarette holder to savage effect. Fu Manchu – who was at the bottom of the whole thing – showed up with his Chinese minions disguised as local Inuit hunters, but his efforts to seize the skull, steal the plane and strangle Biggles with his scarf were foiled by the feisty-though-slutty dame from Hoboken. A Mountie appeared, having mushed his dog sled 300 miles to bring coffee and doughnuts – being Canadian and neighbourly, you understand – and reveal to the heroic band of flyers, tarts and camera crew that Fu Manchu’s palace was in the Amazon jungle, a fact revealed by the address on his pay-checks to French Pierre. All very inscrutable. So, once again, the plane headed off —-
Nigel directed an exciting scene involving a car chase between the heroes and the Nazis. There was a good deal of swerving and crashing. It ended at the gates of a convent – one of those big, fortified convents you see all the time – and the nuns (burly take-no-nonsense nuns-see titile photo) invited everyone in for harsh treatment and early mass.
Matt’s scene was set in an Arab village. A group of cultists had acquired a skull and were guarding it until Fu Manchu’s henchmen could arrive and take possession of it. The heroes in the scene were Indiana Jones, his father, Marion, Saleh, Short Round, Nayland Smith, Dr. Petrie, Karamanieh, Hercule Poirot, Captain Hastings, and Miss Lemmon. The cultists took the offensive but were driven back by heavy gunfire. One of the cultists climbed onto the roof and tried to intimidate the Jones family with some fancy sword skills, but they’d seen that act before and put three bullets into him. He was dead before he hit the ground.
Smith, Petrie, and Karamanieh tried to get to the skull, but several well-armed cultists blocked their path. Just then Fu Manchu’s Arab henchmen arrived to get the skull. Their forces included a cannon and a group of flying monkeys. The cult leader raised the skull over his head and mocked the heroes. Unfortunately for him Short Round had climbed onto the roof behind him and snatched the skull out of the leader’s hands. Short Round ran for his life, with the flying monkeys in hot pursuit.
Smith, Petrie and Karamanieh fought a savage battle with the remaining cultists, giving the Jones clan time to escape. Short Round and the rest of the Jones family took refuge in a house, so the Arabs set up their cannon, planning to blast them out. As they loaded the cannon Miss Lemmon watched them intently, chose her moment carefully, and fired her pistol. The first shot scored a direct hit on the keg of gunpowder, setting off a massive explosion. The blast devastated the Arabs, leaving only one, pathetic, soot-covered survivor to watch helplessly as the heroes departed in triumph, and the scene faded to black.
Dave’s scene took place at an airport in South Africa, largely so he could use a fine set of Pulp Figures rocketeers painted by the regrettably absent Walt O’Hara. It ended when a fuel truck crashed and exploded. Dave appreciates a good explosion.
Having escaped lizard men in the Darkest Congo, Tarzan, Jane, and Cheetah have teamed up the The Phantom and Devil to return their Crystal Skull to civilization. Knowing that flight is the quickest way out of the jungle the heroes were approaching the airport when the scene opened. As their car reached the side of the terminal building five unsavory types, obviously in the pay of Fu Manchu, appeared and fired on the speeding sedan.
The Phantom ordered Devil to attack one of the thugs. Leaping from the car Devil clamped onto a meaty leg as the Phantom dropped a minion with a well place slug. Tarzan jumped from the sedan and punched out another mercenary. Jane stomped on the gas pedal and ran over the remaining two adversaries. Feeling curious, Cheetah bounded out of the car and investigated a truck parked nearby. As he climbed into the cab the stalwart simian tripped a lever, opening the truck’s side panel and revealing the presence of Hauptman Schwarzadler and his Raketentruppen (rocket troopers).
At the sight of this new menace Tarzan instinctively headed for the high ground and climbed atop the terminal’s control tower, with several Truppen rocketing after him. The remaining Germans opened up with their Bergman machine pistols and turned the radiator, engine, fenders and windshield of the sedan into Swiss cheese. Miraculously, Jane scrambled out the back of the car without a scratch. The Phantom and Devil engaged two of the rocket soldiers while a shiny object on the dashboard of the truck fascinated Cheetah.
Surrounded by heavily armed and unfriendly German soldiers, things looked bad for our heroes. From the sky came a sound like rolling thunder. Roger Wilco and his Rocket Rangers arrived in style to save the day. Recognizing his American nemesis, Hauptman Schwarzadler ordered his troops to attack while he pursued the heroes and the skull. Seizing the opportunity for escape, the Phantom jumped into the truck, threw it into gear, and sped towards a large plane. The rest of the heroes joined him in a desperate escape attempt.
Faithful to their orders, the Raketentruppen began shooting at the Rocket Rangers, who returned fire with gusto. Blinded by hatred for their archrivals, neither group noticed that several stray rounds had pierced the tanks of a nearby refueling truck. With rocket men falling like ten pins, the heroes reached the aircraft just as a bullet ignited the gasoline (Dave loves fiery explosions). Naturally the truck exploded in a ball of fire and the explosive force bowled over all of the Rocket men, leaving only the stubborn Schwarzadler to oppose the heroes.
The Phantom guided the plane down the runway. Hauptman Schwarzadler set his thrusters on maximum and caught the plane, landing on the tail. The Phantom leaned out the cockpit side window and opened fire on the German Rocket Ace. After several shots, Schwarzadler lost his balance and fell to the runway. The Phantom accelerated towards take off speed.
Showing the fanatical determination that we all admire in the Germans, Hauptman Schwarzadler sets his thrusters to “uber maximum” and rocketed after the airplane. The heroes watch helplessly as the unstoppable human bullet blasted towards them. Oblivious to the danger, Cheetah spotted a bunch of bananas in the back of the plane and decided this was a good time for a snack. Tossing the peel out the window, the lucky chimp scored a direct hit. The banana peel smacked the flying Hun right in the face. Blinded, Schwarzadler lost control and augered into the runway while the heroes flew off to act three.
In the last reel Fu Manchu lures all the heroes to Macho Pikachu, the last surviving colony of Atlantis, located in the Amazon jungle. He plans to seize all the crystal skulls and use them to open the hall of records, giving him access to the secret wisdom of Atlantis. The heroes must find their way to Fu Manchu’s headquarters located in a large Mayan pyramid.
Biggles was the first to arrive. Flying low over the jungle canopy he remained calm despite clipping several trees along the way.
“Ahhh yes, this reminds me of chapter two, page 87 of Biggles’ Great Adventure” he said before crash-landing in the quicksand.
The rest of the heroes had to fight their way through the jungle, overcoming Amazons, Neanderthals, and headhunters. I directed the scene with the headhunters. The hostile natives were no match for Indiana Jones and Tarzan. They did pose a big problem, however, for Jeeves and Wooster. A large animated wooden Tiki idol appeared, threatening the pair.
“Sir, I fear we shall have to sacrifice the gin” Jeeves said, fashioning a Molotov cocktail. He succeeded in igniting the Tiki.
“Jeeves, tell me again why we’re in the Amazon” Bertie said, completely befuddled as usual.
The situation got worse for the pair as the headhunters surrounded them and closed in for the kill. Bertie peered at them intently.
“You look awfully familiar...Tuppy!” Bertie exclaimed, realizing the headhunter chieftain was an old school chum.
Eventually all the heroes found their way to Fu Manchu’s lair. They were surprised to find the evil mastermind was expecting them. The heroes sat at a large banquet table while Fu Manchu began his patented “conquer the world” speech. He was suddenly interrupted.
“If you don’t stop talking mean I’ll throw a banana at you!” shouted Cheetah the chimpanzee, suddenly gaining the power of speech. Fu Manchu was irritated by the interruption.
“Who brought the spunky monkey?” he demanded.
Cheetah hurled a banana at the master criminal. Fu Manchu recoiled in horror, toppling over backward in his ornate chair. The heroes reacted immediately. Biggles jumped up and swung from a chandelier. The Shadow tried to grab all the skulls for himself. Jeeves, always the practical one, picked up a silver salver and bonked Fu Manchu over the head. Fu’s masked minions rushed into the room to save their leader and meal ticket. It was at this point that someone (blame would later be pinned on Indy) took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse, and then clumsily dropped it.
After the inevitable explosion ended the game we passed out our own version of the Academy Award to all the players. Their brilliant performances had made the game one to remember. Hopefully some of them will be back again, next year, for the sequel. They’ve promised us a whole room, in fairness to the poor beggars who had to share with us this time (hey Chuck and Chris! Sorry about, well, everything —)
Real and imaginary from “Crystal Skulls of Atlantis”
“Oooh, eeeh, aaaah. Wha? Woo, oooh.” Roxy, directed to “act surprised.”
“Ahhh yes, this reminds me of chapter two, page 87 of Biggles’ Great Adventure.” Biggles, remaining calm while clipping several trees on the way to a hard landing in quicksand.
“An Erich von Schnitzel production, directed by Erich von Schnitzel, screenplay by Erich von Schnitzel, based on a story by Erich von Schnitzel...” Erich von Schnitzel touting his new feature “Crystal Skulls of Atlantis”
“Great performance Biggles, you were way over the top in every scene.” Nigel “Over the top? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Biggles
“Get it right kid, I’m a star!” Roxy, annoyed that Short Round couldn’t remember her name.
“I grab a dead Nazi and use his body to surf down the steps of the pyramid.” One of the shadow’s operatives comes up with a novel way to escape the big explosion at the end of the film
“I use my hypnotic powers to mesmerize everyone in the room and grab all the skulls for myself!” The Shadow, getting just a little carried away.
“If you don’t stop talking mean I’ll hit you with a banana!” Cheetah the chimpanzee, suddenly gaining the power of speech at the end of the movie. “Who brought the spunky monkey?” Fu Manchu, annoyed at being interrupted during his great “conquer the world” speech
“Sir, I fear we shall have to sacrifice the gin.” Jeeves, fashioning a Molotov cocktail while being menaced by a large animated wooden Tiki statue in the jungles of the Amazon. “Jeeves, tell me again why we’re in the Amazon.” Bertie Wooster
“Killed by an arrow in the back from a flying monkey.” Dr. Petrie, considering what his gravestone would say if he hadn’t ducked at just the right moment.
“Did you get that? Good. That’s a wrap!” Erich von Schnitzel, to his camera man, after climbing out of the rubble following the big pyramid explosion at the end of the game.
“It will be the greatest challenge of his career.” A spectator, after being told that Biggles and Roxy were going to get married.
“I traveled through the jungle being a hero, helping everyone, no matter how small.” The Phantom, friend to the pygmies, sounding a lot like Horton the Elephant
“”That obelisk has stood for a thousand years, surviving earthquakes, storms, and civil war.” Matt, directing the jungle scene “I run up and knock it over.” The Phantom “Okay, down it goes.” Matt
“The monkey flies over and looks down the hole in the roof, what does he see?” Matt, directing the Arab Village scene “The barrel of my gun....BANG.” Indiana Jones
“...and then the nuns came out.” Nigel, describing an exciting moment during his Nazi Escape scene
“I saw it in a movie once, maybe.” Howard, describing the meticulous research that went into the Caverns Under Chicago scene.
“I’ve got my own fedora!” A player explaining why he should be The Shadow
“You look awfully familiar, Tuppy!” Bertie, realizing the headhunter chieftain was an old school chum
“Well, there are worse things a chimp can throw at you.” Matt, after Cheetah threw a banana at Fu Manchu
“You can have the wolf, but not the horse.” Howard, to The Phantom, making it clear right from the start that this was going to be a low budget film
“We blew our budget on the first two reels.” Matt, explaining why the final set wasn’t more impressive
“Then they ran over and killed the crocodile. I don’t know why, he wasn’t bothering anybody.” Dave, describing the action in his Caverns Under Chicago scene
“Can I jump up, do a split, and kick them both in the face?” Karamenieh “Sure, those years of belly dancing haven’t been wasted.” Matt
“And then the monkey got in the car and tried to drive...” Dave, describing the airport scene
“And the explosion destroys the great library of Atlantis, robbing human civilization of another irreplaceable treasure.” Howard, after Indiana Jones dropped a stick of dynamite down a grate in the floor during the final scene. “Nice going, Indy. Did you ever find anything that you didn’t destroy?” a sarcastic bystander
The atmosphere was thick with tension, and the aroma that can only be produced by 25 sweaty wargamers packed too close together in a stuffy room. An all star cast of Pulp heroes (The Phantom, Biggles, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Sam Spade, etc.) and their sidekicks were at the top of a large Mayan Pyramid where they had confronted Fu Manchu and thwarted his plans to unlock the secrets of Atlantis. There was no time for celebration, however. Indy (or maybe it was someone else) had carelessly dropped a lit stick of dynamite down a grate in the floor, and the whole pyramid was about to blow up.
Nigel’s scene took place in Hyde Park, where white-robed cultists did their sacrificial thing under cover of a bandstand, because it rains a lot in England and you have to plan for it. There were cars, there were coppers –Nigel could tell you what happened, but we can’t.
Biggles, Roxy and Von Schnitzel at the Oscars.
Some Choice Quotes
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