The gang who hang around the Model Shop know each other pretty well, being fully aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses they are always ready to wind-up anyone for the sake of a laugh. When things are quiet it isn't difficult to get an argument going on the respective merits of figure or board wargaming, on scale, fantasy, uniforms, etc., and, as in most groups, there are one or two well-known 'stirrers' like Pete and Alan. The other night Pete came in and showed us some photographs he had taken on his recent motoring holiday in Spain. He passed one to Billy Phillips; "Know where that is, Billy?" We sat back and watched, wondering what was going to happen next because it was well known that Billy firmly believed British Military history began with and revolved around the 95th Rifles and the light Division in the Peninsula, and that he could always be got going by anything concerning them. Quick as a flash, Billy said: "It's the Lesser and Greater Arapiles on the Field of Salamanca ... fought on the 22nd of July 1812." Then Pere started raving about how marvellous Packenham's 3rd Division had been, and how the 4th and 5th Divisions came over the ridge and helped roll up the French - "40,000 Frenchmen beaten in 40 minutes! But, Billy... I've often wondered where the Light Division were whilst all this was going on?" Billy choked and went red: "You know perfectly well where they were... they were on Wellington's left flank along with the Ist Division... the best disciplined and controlled division the Duke had ... waiting to take up the pursuit when the French began retreating!" Pete looked thoughtful: "Is that so? Funny, I don't remember hearing much about the French getting badly beaten-up in the pursuit'" Billy waved his arms like he always does when he's excited: "That was because a Spanish force under D'Espana placed by Wellington in the castle at the bridge at Alba deserted their posts and allowed the French to get away!" Pete laughed sarcastically and the argument got fierce and furious, until Charlie carne over and said they were disturbing other garners.
To quieten things down and keep the peace, Toby hastily told us about a film he'd seen on a friend's video the other night: "It was supposed to be the British Army marching to the Battle of the Alma in the Crimea and they had this lot marching with a high knee action and arms going across the chest... like foreign soldiers... it was a damned insult to the British Armyl" "That was the film CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE, wasn't it?" said Billy, forgetting about the 95th for the moment: "They used the Turkish Army as extras... can't expect 'em. to march like our lads, can you?" Then Fred said someone he knew who'd worked on the film told him that the British Director, offended by Turkish cavalrymen playing the Light Brigade slumping in their saddles, lashed lengths of broomsticks up their backs to beep 'em. upright" Billy laughed bitterly. "That was the same director who insisted on one of the British cavalry regiments in die charge wearing scarlet overalls and when the military advisor protested that they wore blue, he said it was HIS army and he could dress them how he liked!"
"In the film WATERLOO, all the Allied and French units were formed of real-life soldiers of the Russian Army... there was one scene where the socalled Gordon Highlanders had their tartan stockings down around their ankles... they didn't look anything like Scotsmen!" Fred expressed sympathy and said: "Of course, the thing that spoils all military films is that there are never enough soldiers in the regiments... they can't afford to pay sufficient extras to make a unit look realistic. They show you a spaced-out column of about 40 men marching in threes and it's supposed to be a full battalion." A guy we hadn't seen in the shop before sniffed and broke our rule of never bringing politics into the shop: "Obviously they can't use as many men as took part in the real historical battle... the only time enough money can be found for that is when one country makes up its mind to kill all the soldiers of another country!" Not fancying the turn of conversation, Fred said: "I thought the Russians had pretty large units is their version of WAR AND PEACE ... made without thought of expense and used as propaganda, I suppose." Pere agreed: "I've always thought about the most realistic film of horse and musket fighting I've ever seen was in BARRY LYNDON... the attack in fine was just about how it must have been in those days."
Don't usually hear much from Chris Blake, known as the deep-thinking lad with a degree in some electriconic subject, but he came into the conversation: "The nearest you can in get to realism is in tabletop wargaming, where a unit can be as big as you like if you can afford to buy the figures." Fred interrupted: "And if you can find an opponent with a similar sized army." Chris nodded: "Table size means regiments always have to be drastically scaled down, but that's not the main trouble... the real fault of wargaming lies in the fact that the figures don't move of their own volition... they have to be moved." Someone said what we were all thinking: "Of course they can't move on their own... they're only metal or plastic." Chris shook his head: "I'm convinced there is a way to make them move on their own!" That aroused a general free-for-all with everyone talking at once, then someone reminded us of a recent film at the Odeon about a couple of American teenagers who fed vital statistics into a computer to make their very own glamour-girl. "Miss Frankenstein, I suppose," said Billy. Chris smiled: "I'm working on an idea... I'll let you know when I come up with something."
It made us a bit uneasy, you never know what these electronics wizards are doing - and there were all sorts of queer rumors about the factory on the Industrial Estate. Anyway, the weeks passed and we forgot it until Chris invited some of us around to his lodgings, to see a video film he'd made. It really made us sit up and take notice, this short and not particularly clear clip showing that were undoubtedly blocks of model wargames soldiers of the Napoleonic period jerkily moving towards each other, until blotted out by the clouds of black smoke as they fired volleys! We saw it through half a dozen times without being really convinced before Billy said: "They are mounted on a large base with a flange underneath moving in a channel... controlled by radio-like model cars or aircraft. Chris was indignant: "How do you account for the firing then?"
"Some sort of a firework set off by radio signal, said Billy. Chris shook his head sadly: "You don't know what you're talking about... I'm afraid you are out of your element." "Alright, then tell us how it's done!" "I'd like to" said Chris, "but I can't ... there's more to it than you think, it's part of a much pager... Ministry of Defense involved... Official Secrets Act... you know how it is."
We told Charlie about it and he laughed, saying he hoped Chris would let him have exclusive sale of his patent figures "Could be trick photography ... I once saw a film being made of a cavalry charge on a gun ... by moving the figures and the gunnets a fraction each shot, they made more than a hundred and fifty frames that showed for a few seconds on the screen and looked very realistic.'
A week or so later, Chris Blake came into the Shop; he had his arm in a sling. "Had an accident?" He smiled and gingerly took his hand from the sling and carefully removed the dressing, holding out his hand for inspection. Both sides of it - back and palm - were peppered with angry little wounds! "Twenty-five each side... count 'em if you like... put my hand in the way of a volley and not a man missed.'" We still don't know what to think - there's no way a guy would give himself 50 regularly spaced painful wounds just to prove a point, is there? Or is there?
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