Here he is, once again … smiling up from the Tar Pits of History, our own Totem of Disaster, George B. McClellan. He's had a year to ferret out the most egregious blunders, the most inane remarks, and the biggest wastes of time and energy. It hasn't been easy, with his eyes constantly focused on Fresno and Cambria. However, there were no dearth of candidates, as several people were intent on proving that it didn't take talent to be a Mule's Behind.
A Specially Built Toilet Seat from the Pentagon … for Terry Shrum, former FGA Plagiarist-sans-pareil, who claimed that it cost FGA $900 to have him post a three-page message on GEnie. Terry obviously graduated Summa Cum Ballsa from the School of Skim and Scam. Hey, Terry, call for you from Keating at the Lincoln Bank!
A tape of Mel Brooks saying, "Ain't It Great To Be King!"… to Ty Bomba, who, when informed that the BROG #1 reference to David Duke was not to him, but to the "alternate history" games and their "…milieu", responded, "I am their fucking milieu." (Sorry, all you Family Value Folks, but it IS a quote.) Ah, Ty, "…Le Jeu, c'est Toi." This is one would-be-Louis who's been in the sun too long.
A Swim off the Stern of the Exxon Valdez … to Keith Poulter and 3W, for possibly the strongest, My-Doctor-Said-Mylanta graphic and visual performance in the industry since, since … well since Keith Poulter and 3W were laying about with "The Wargamer". Remember the maps for House of Sa'ud and that unnamed Stalingrad epic? You do, huh. Well, then you stayed away from such Disposable Waste as the counters for Napoleon's Later Battles and virtually anything and everything in the Campaigns of the Civil War box. The map and general production for Clash of Arms' Chancellorsville was a close contender for this award, for which we extend them Dishonorable Mention.
A Box of Strawberries, some Steel Balls, AND AN APPOINTMENT WITH DR. LOUTSCH… to The "Staff" of FGA's now, and thankfully, defunct, "Boardgame Journal" for its, and their, endless, ad nauseam, contributions to the literature of paranoia. It took them about a year to find that, truly, Nobody Cared. Singing Captain Queegs, stage left … dancing Queegs behind the piano.
The "Hey, Tojo, Take a Load off your Mind" AWARD… to 3W's Tarawa, which included, as a key terrain feature, the Japanese outdoor, over-water privies that ringed the island. The feature pretty much expressed the general level of production at 3W.
The P.T. Barnum trophy… to Gene Moyers, who actually paid money to "buy" FGA. If it was more than $11.95, he was taken. Say, Gene, I have these shares in Burma Mines … .
A Videotape of "The Ugly American"… to Winston Hamilton, Mr. GRD/Europa, for constantly referring to the German dealers and gamers at the 1992 European Game Spectacular Convention as "Krauts". Could have been worse; it could have been Kenya.
A "PLANNED PARENTHOOD" Protest, and a Visit from Lt. Ripley … to, again, Keith Poulter, and his 3W publishing schedule. Not since "Aliens" have we seen such an alarmingly dangerous production rate, nor one so threatening to the public's health. Blood tests have shown that Rob Markham is the father.
A Photostated Copy of the Hitler Watercolors … to John Lowery, the cover artist for Thunderhaven's Red Christmas, assuredly the worst box cover EVER seen … yes, even worse than that for King of Kings … a drawing so phallic, so crude, so juvenile, and so devoid of perspective or talent that to label it Study Hall Art would be to defame the latter. You know how bad it is? I don't think Perry Moore would use it … that's how bad it is.
A STYROFOAM STATUETTE OF GOOFY … to both Alan Emerich and Harold Johnson. Alan forgot to bring the names of the winners of the 1991 Charles Roberts Awards to Origins, couldn't remember them, and then couldn't get ahold of anyone who did know. It turned out it wasn't much of a loss, as half the "winners" turned out to be such creative, bland nonentities that NOT announcing them was a blessing. All Harold did was to so screw up the balloting for the 1991 GAMA Awards that they were eventually postponed indefinitely, as was Harold's tenure as overseer of that function.
A Soggy Raincheck and another Trip to Madison Avenue … to Gene Billingsley, for having GMT run ads for Great Battles of Alexander six months after they had sold out. I think they're still running.
A Visit from Dexter Manley … to the offices of Decision Games, so that Dexter can make sure their SpellChecker is working. It was a year in which Decision spelled virtually every name wrong on the BagQuad counters, and a year in which they insisted they were publishing a game entitled "Caesar in Gall" (followed, I suppose, by "Mark Antony up the Bile") … all crowned by spelling their own company name wrong - "Deceision" [sic] - in a large-type, in-house ad. The NY Times recently insisted that the Philistines were the height of ancient, Middle-Eastern culture. They obviously never saw these philistines.
THE "OZZY OSBORNE" GAME AND A DATE WITH JUDAS PRIEST …to Lorraine Williams, Dragon Queen of TSR, for removing the Emperor's HQ guillotine display at Origins/GenCon, ostensibly because it was "tacky" and violence-inducing. TSR's "suits" obviously felt that pseudo-Franzetta bimbettes, drooling, blood- covered orcs (the paintings, not the staff … well, not ALL of the staff) and "Cruel Doubt" lawsuits were Middle America. See the next award.
An official 1899, Cleveland Spiders Baseball Cap … to the TSR Legal Staff, which seems intent on equalling the Spiders' classic 20-134, W-L record. They have a lot of catching up to do. Latest triumph? Their handling of the Todd Fischer/Emperor's HQ guillotine fiasco. These shysters are so adept at losing they could qualify as an NHL expansion franchise.
… And a Hat Trick, folks!!
Two Seasons Tickets in the Bob Uecker section at Milwaukee County Stadium: To the perpetrators of GenCon '92 - TSR - for shuttling every non-TSR activity into corners of The Mecca that not even bloodhounds could locate, for trying to pre-buy and tie up most of the hotel rooms in the area, and for claiming most of the convention floor was sold out when it wasn't. Condescension, Abrasiveness, Supercili-osity (?) and a general Lack of Intelligence are NOT the four cornerstones of Public Relations, folks … although they do appear to be so for TSR corporate policy.
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© Copyright 1992 by Richard Berg
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