It's time for the Little Mac Attack … Cupidity Revealed, Inanity Unsealed, and Stupidity Congealed. As usual, we had folks seemingly lined up to Make the Lists the past year, even if we didn't have FGA and the Shrumster to bang around, proving once again the validity of that infamous maxim, "It Don't Take Luck To Be a Schmuck."
Three Copies of "Debbie Does Dallas"
to the late, but not overly lamented, convention mavens, Gemco. "What if They Threw a Party and Nobody Came?" They did, and they didn't. It was called Origins '93, but it was better termed "The Bust in the Dust". Attendance was on the level of a September, Mets-Marlins game … on a rainy day. Then again, they did get us all into the same hotel as the Miss Texas Beauty Pageant. Barbarossa Meets Barbie.
A Calendar Showing Only the Ides of March:
As if things weren't bad enough at Origins, Brutus Hamilton and his GAMA conspirators caught up to The Gemco Caesar, Howard Barasch, in the rotunda at the Ft. Worth Convention Center and left him dead and bleeding on the floor. It wasn't as if Gemco didn't deserve the "stabbing"; they hadn't paid a bill in several years, it appears. "Et tu, Winstonus?"
This Year's P.T.Barnum Award
to Richard Berg for, once again, offering for sale the infamous Guns of Cedar Creek, the one with the see-through counters. At least he had the decency to print new ones. He also had the self-serving common sense to charge an arm-and-a-leg for the privilege of rebuying the same game. Coming a very close second was Harry "Crock-o-Counters" Rowland, purveyor of World in Flames, a marketing device that repeats itself more than a Taco Bell lunch.
A Free Screening of "The Empire Strikes Back"
to Ty Bomba, for his Henry II/Becket-like, Reviewers-be-Damned editorial in Command #22. With strains of "My Way" floating in the background, Ty attempted to set us on the Straight-and-Narrow Path to Simulated Salvation, while letting us all know in which direction he swung. Probably the best Humor Column of the year. May the Krim Be With You.
Skinhead Hall of Fame Trophy.
To Ed Wimble and Clash of Arms, for running an ad for two of their games featuring the headline "Deutschland Uber Alles." Confronted with this Paean to Tackiness, Ed insisted it was OK, as it was in the German National Anthem. No it's not, Ed, not anymore. It's just offensive.
A Working Model of a Guillotine
to Gene Billingsley at GMT, for his seemingly never-ending efforts to get the counters for "Lion of the North" printed right … or even printed at all. And then, when he finally does get them, his warehouse gets vandalized. Must have been those Croats, Gene.
Scrooge-of-the-Year Award
to both Gene Moyers and whatever is left of FGA, both of whom refused to provide designer Masahiro Yamazaki with a copy of his own game that they had published, "War for the Motherland". "Ees No My Job" is not an acceptable excuse, although it was the one offered by both of these penurious peckerheads.
An Autographed, "8" x "11" Glossy of Kevin Zucker
to Command Magazine, for printing the wrong map for "Shogun Triumphant", despite having the correct version at hand. XTR's excuse? "You shoulda told us." Well, Ty, you coulda "reached out and asked someone."
A Portable "Loo" of Their Own:
In this, the supposed Year of Napoleon, everyone seemed to want to kick The Napster when he was down. Both Joe Miranda and Dean Essig put the wrong French flags on the counters; Ed Wimble insisted that Napoleon used tanks to traverse Belgium; and Joe M -- yet again -- seemed determined to reproduce battle maps without ever looking at one.
The Low-Rent Madonna, Large Spheroidal PR Trophy
t o Keith Poulter, for attempting to pass off a blatant commercial for one of his games as a "review" in this year's least felicitously named house organ, "Schwerpunkt". Surprise! He loved the game! Hey Keith, the Surgeon General warns us that playing with your House Organ too much will render you intellectually blind.
The Irwin Allen Disaster Movie Award:
to, yet again, Rodger MacGowan. (See BROG #2.) His house in Malibu came within 20 feet of being engulfed by the horrendous fires that raged last summer … while he was working on "Down in Flames"! So what did he do? He moved his family into Los Angeles, just in time for the earthquake. A good man not to move next to.
The Poor Man's, Wayne Huizinga Garbage Collector Trophy.
To John Schettler for his Entire Ouevre. His S&T games on the Mediterranean campaign needed more face-lifts than Zsa Zsa Gabor to even begin to comprehend what was going on, and his "Tide of Fortune" was gaming's equivalent of the Exxon Valdez disaster. It says a lot that there are now three companies who wouldn't touch his games with lead-sealed gloves. Neither will the consumers, it appears.
A Guest Role in "I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka II"
to Keith Poulter who thought that Jim Fisk and Jay Gould had a good thing going by simply running off shares of stock in his basement. Unfortunately, he forgot both his first gaggle of investors, none of whom had ever seen $ #1 from 3W, as well as the SEC, which had a somewhat less humorous view of the whole proceedings. Last heard, KP was in semi-retirement, attempting to finish his 437-volume novel on the ACW, "The Brothers Cambriamazov".
Quote of the Year #1:
Tom Dalgliesh, in thanking the Origins committee - and voters - for giving him a Best Design Award for a game system he first came out with over 21 years ago: "I'd like to thank the Origins People for their quick recognition of my creativity."
Quote of the Year #2:
M. Jacques Behar, CEO of Jeux Descartes (publishers of "Casus Belli", in France), when asked if he was interested in a French-language version of Waterloo: "Why? We didn't win that one." How 'bout a DeGaulle Quad, Jacques?
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© Copyright 1993 by Richard Berg
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