In these trying times, it is rare to laugh, particularly when reading news from the Clan front. Even though there is a cease- fire, won by the Com Guard's, low-level hostilities continue. In an effort to bring a smile to your faces, at least temporarily, we bring you this offering. Cossack Mechs in Mock Salute 3054 Military formations have all manner of traditions, most of them for very formal occasions. Not all, however, are meant to be taken seriously. Take, for example, the Khorsahov's Cossacks' tradition of a 'mock dress parade'. The Cossacks are known in some circles for their unusual sense of humor. 'Sick', 'perverted', and 'oxymoronic' are terms sometimes used in description of their humor. It is never dull. Research indicates that this tradition evolved during the American Civil War of 1861-65. It involved, as indicated by the title, a mockery of the tradition of the dress parade. The soldiers felt the need to relieve boredom and lift their spirits at the same time, so they poked fun at one of the most sacred military formations. Only the most slovenly clothing and equipment was allowed; off icers were made to stand in ranks while the lowest-ranking soldier 'commanded' the parade. There is no recorded instance of any officer refusing to participate. The Cossack version of such a formation is not a sight for someone with weak nerves. Farcical proclamations appear from Regimental HO, 'Mechs appear with huge apparent rust stains, 'broken' weapons, and sometimes 'Mech-sized crutches and canes! Once a giant top hat appeared on Colonel Khorsakov's Atlas. An inflated globe, complete with oceans and continents, showed up one year on the other Atlas in the regiment. A ComGuard lance was once portrayed. It consisted of a light 'Mechs, three tanks, and a local cow, draped with radar-reflective foil. Often the most jarring sights are noted. A biplane of ancient design showed up in a lineup of their AeroFighters. Tanks have often sported steam boilers (false), extra turrets and weapon; a prizewinner was a Demolisher mounting a pair of aircraft-style wings. Oars as on an ancient galley (they worked, too) won first place the following year. An infantry battalion paraded in proper formation as an ancient Roman legion, with correct insignia. Techs and other support personnel appear with giant-sized tools of their respective trades, or conduct themselves in otherwise shameful fashion. A darker side is presented by the 'Chamber of Horrors', held in private. Here are displayed the crueler, more vulgar amusements. House Lords are sometimes lampooned in the Chamber, which is one reason that it's private. We are told that Hanse Davion was never an object of display. To briefly list some of the prize-winning displays of years past: 3037 - A living display featuring Chancellor Romano's Celestial Throne Chamber. This featured a local fille dejoie in a flesh colored bodysuit, a number of anonymous gentlemen also in flesh-colored bodysuits, and a doorkeeper named 'Tsen Shang' who photographed, fingerprinted, and rewarded each man as he exited the chamber. If your imagination cannot supply the details, a viewing of the latest version of I, Claudius should give a fairly accurate picture. 3040 - The Lyran uniform was crudely parodied by a man wearing a gross travesty of the uniform, made up in white pancake makeup, a red plastic nose, orange wig and the requisite outsize shoes. The display was set up as a recruiting station for the AFFC, who were allegedly not amused. 3044 - At the height of the Cossack's troubles with the LCCC, the most venom was reserved for the Mariks. This display consisted of a maze, through which the observer had to travel, the whole way 'beLeagured' by idiots in Marik uniform, goons offering bogus deals and pompous petty nobility offering bribes for farcical political services. At the center sat 'Thomas', a blindfolded, gagged, and chairbound store dummy. ComStar initiation chants were played in the inner chamber, which was crudely decorated to represent the Audience Hall on Atreus. 3050 - A Rasalhague mercenary compound was parodied, complete with (fake) concertina wire, armed guards, and searchlights. Obvious mines were placed at the exits, ball-and-chain sets and first-aid kits for wandering mercs were on hand, and only 'sleaze service' facilities were available within the compound bounds. A particularly vicious slur attacked the 'Count Dracula'- style dress uniform adopted by the Republic. The Cossacks do many other things during the mock dress parade, some of them not printable. They certainly have fun doing it, and it gives them a great opportunity to blow off steam. Every mock parade has been fully filmed, usually for members of the Regiment, but copies often go out to friends and the occasional employer, notably First Prince Hanse Davion. It is also rumored that Davion was served two fingers of brandy before reading any Cossack after-action report, by his standing order to the palace staff. The unit has not sent films to Prince Victor; a formal correctness still is observed in their relations with this Steiner Davion heir. Reaction to the mock parades varies according to the temperament and self-confidence of the viewer. Some have been infuriated and others apparently genuinely amused. No one has remained unmoved. Tor Miraborg was reportedly incensed by the portrayal of merc conditions in the Rasalhague Republic. He was notably silent regarding the uniform. After being vilified, Chancellor Romano Liao declared that the Cossacks may not be mentioned in her presence on pain of death. (Upon leaving Outreach, she added the Dragoons to that list, now comprising some fourteen merc and House units.) Thomas was not amused, but saw where the ridicule was being directed. Davion supposedly got a good belly-laugh (in private) out of the 'Lyran recruitment station'. Anastasius Focht is not available for comment. In sum, while the idea is probably sound, current execution of it could use some fine-tuning in the way of tact. The Cossacks claim that it helps them keep a sense of perspective. They say the shrinks tell them they're in better shape if they can laugh at themselves. If they can do this, they can certainly laugh. It isn't our province to comment on their state of mental health. The Cossacks are currently on loan to the DCMS for garrison and raiding duty, stationed on Luthien. They may exercise far more than their usual decorum and discretion when holding such a formation. Some few other outfits are known to do things along these lines, notably the Wild Geese Battalion. None, however, go nearly as far as the Cossacks in their efforts. Notably, the parades have never mocked at House or other mercenary regiments. Or if they have, they have kept it a better secret. Back to BattleTechnology 21 Table of Contents Back to BattleTechnology List of Issues Back to MagWeb Magazine List © Copyright 1994 by Pacific Rim Publishing. This article appears in MagWeb.com (Magazine Web) on the Internet World Wide Web. Other military history articles and gaming articles are available at http://www.magweb.com