How I wanted to like this game, truly I did. You would think that a skirmish gaming
system based on the Napoleonic Wars but with Orcs and Elves transposed into it would be just
the sort of irreverent thing I'd go for. Like I said, I wanted to.
Actually the first paragraph neatly sums up what Flintloque and its younger sibling Deadloque are all about. Alternative Armies have come up with the idea of crossing Warhammer with Napoleonics and thereby one assumes catching two sets of customers for the price of one. Only my guess is that they will actually catch next to nobody.
At least with Warhammer and any other Games Workshop stuff you get a fair bit for your money, although as it is directed at the sprogs this is mostly lightweight and superficial. Well, Alternative Armies have kept the lightweight and superficial bits and dumped the quantity. When I first opened the box I was relieved that this was a review copy and that I hadn't shelled out for it. A polystyrene container filled the entire space, and resting in its cut-outs were sixteen metal figures. Oh yes, and crammed in on top were the rules. This poorly produced handbook runs to 31 pages, and is not even protected with a card cover, meaning that the second you put it down it begins 'fraying', if you know what I mean.
The contents are no more inspiring. A page of back-slapping credits, followed by another posing as a sort of song book written in what the authors presumably felt was a mock Regency style, and loaded with bad puns: a song called "Orcs In the Hills and Fire Away'. Oh dear. Indeed the whole product is littered with these soft attempts at humour.
The next two pages are the standard fare which has become de rigeur these days for fantasy stuff. Namely the storyline to give a spot of background and a lot of filling. This one is really pap and appears to have been written purely for the school kiddies. So we now get to page 6 without finding any substance. Page 6 houses the introduction, announcing the arrival of 'High Napoleonique ' ™ and 'Black Powder Fantasy'. It is stated that Flintloque is a fast play set, and I can't disagree with that. Then page 7 goes back to narrative. So do pages 8 and 9. Finally! At page 10, I get some rules. Sadly it was hardly worth the wait.
Sets like Warhammer (try as you might to avoid it, if you are going to jump into the world of Fantasy Gaming you are going to get compared to the market leader) provide a high quality, relatively detailed rules set. This does not. A couple of pages about unit organisation ends up with telling you that characters are defined as Raw, Average or Experienced. I think Skirmish Wargames did that twenty years ago in the shape of Novice, Average and Veteran, and I've been using them ever since.
The turn sequence consists of Firing, Moving, a bit more firing, Melee and Morale. Nothing innovative there. What follows is a very basic set of skirmish rules. Move distances, allowed actions, a combat system so heavily weighted in favour of the Orcs (us British, don't you know?) that nobody in their right mind would play the Elves (French), although the Dwarves (Prussians) aren't quite so weedy. Most of the rules use one or more of the ubiquitous D10's. The best bit is the morale section, where the range of results, dependent on circumstance is varied enough to merit applause.
The rest of the rules consist of three very dodgy scenarios for 'Sharke's Rifles'. Yeah, sounds familiar, doesn't it. At least the authors credit Big Bernard at the start for inspiration, but this is the kind of inspiration that causes you to copy the Mona Lisa and then put a cigar in her mouth. In the scenarios 6 Orc Riflemen take on 10 Elf 'Voltiguers'. Yes, the Orcs are just as hard in this as Sharpe's blokes are in 'real' life. We Frogs are just there to stick out our guts to get a sword wiped across them. As well as Sharke there is the Bog-Orc, Sergeant Harpy, Pvt. Hagsmun, Pvt Arris... No I can't go on. It hurts mother!
I've had enough, I can't take any more. The game plays well enough if you are satisfied with this sort of thing. I stopped playing Warhammer after two efforts because I'd picked more holes than a colander. This makes Warhammer look thorough and complete. At the end of the book there is a set of Appendices, including a small supplement for Humans and amongst others Improbable Actions. Top of that list would be buying the sequel/supplement, Deadloque, which covers the Retreat From Moscow, with the Russians turning up as the Undead.
By the way, in case you had begun to wonder, as an apparent afterthought, a Magic Supplement was included. This 'supplement' consists of ONE A4 sheet. A four-letter word beginning with C and ending in P comes to mind. Oh yes, and on the back are the maps for the three scenarios which seem to have been forgotten in the rules. What of the figures, I hear you ask. All are well over 30mm, making them incompatible with practically anything else. Furthermore they all have hands like Pat Jennings (that's big, children) and oversized equipment, presumably to assist the blind in painting. Some are very nice, others are awful.
Finally, as a spot of advice to Alternative Armies, if you want to make friends amongst hard core Napoleonic players, don't take the piss out of the Emperor. (Renaming him Mordred and making him fat in one set and thin in the other just smacks of poor continuity.) Leave that to those of us who love him.
Back to Table of Contents -- First Empire #30
© Copyright 1996 by First Empire.
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